The is an article the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry profiling the violent behavior of a 20 Aspie guy toward his girlfriend. Below is the abstract:
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Asperger's Syndrome is assumed to be closely related to autism. A case of a 21-yr-old man with Asperger's Syndrome who is frequently violent to his 71-yr-old girlfriend is presented. According to a social-cognitive model of autism, this man is predicted to be markedly impoverished in his appreciation of his victim's thoughts and feelings. Interview-based assessments confirm this deficit, and this is discussed as an important factor in the maintenance of his violence.
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That has to be a misprint. Right? 50 years seems to be a stretch for a romantic relationship.
Then I went to WrongPlanet.com and found a series of posts. Some one asked the question, "Did you ever do anything particularly violent as a child?" Well, there were a string of responses. The common thread used to be an almost clinical lack of empathy or feeling toward the "victim".
If I look back into my own youth and childhood I can see a few times when I did somethings without any thought for the feelings of others. During a game of tag with my nephews I was giving chase. It was one of those games where you had to capture members of the other team or something. We owned a small farm. I think that I was about 14 or 15 and my nephew was probably about 10. He was just a little faster than me. I was having a hard time gaining on him and just couldn't reach him. This all happened in seconds, but I reviewed my options, and realised that the best way to tag him was to make him stop. To do that I lunged forward and firmly stepped on his heal. He fell face forward onto the ground.
Immediately, I realised that doing such a thing, while practical, would engender the condemnation of him and those I cared about, so I told him I was sorry and that it was a mistake.
So, Aspie friends, what is the lesson you can learn from my mistakes? We have to live our lives on principal. That's why understanding what you believe about God, morals, etc (faith), and what is important (values) is so important. As an adult my urges must flow through my faith and values principal filter before I act them out. I am not always successful at this, but I am striving for it, because some one I care about deeply is pleased when I try my best.
I believe that some one is Jesus Christ. He is pleased when we try to emulate Him, and when we try to do what is right. I believe that He is pleased with us even when we try and fail. So, I've really been striving to live out my beliefs. It has made a marked difference in the way I live and the choices I make.
Adam
Sep 16, 2007
Aug 21, 2007
Gun fights, and sword fights Part I
A person who is an Aspie asked me if I ever think about violence.
When don't I? That sounds bad, doesn't it? In my opinion, we Aspies are "What If?" machines. What if some one jumped out of the bushes and tried to attack me? What if a gun man broke into my home and threatened my children?
Last Friday some guy jumped out of the bushes about two blocks from my home and snatched a girl. They found her later that day, but I don't believe that they have found the perpetrator. All I could think about that day is what if some one snatched my child? There where many scenarios in my head and none of them where kindly.
Our minds work in three dimensions, and in graphic detail. In a job, that can be an excellent asset as an Aspie mind can actually picture something happening and look for problems. I crashed on my bike once because the pavement was slick. I strained my wrist. So after that most of the time as I'm riding I was playing crash/fall scenarios over and over in my head.
The second time I crashed was by hitting a section of pavement that was under construction, but this time the scenario played back. I analyzed and executed and only got banged up a little. Later that summer, I accidentally ran straight into a curb, this time I executed an exaggerated curving roll into the crash and ended it up by jumping into a standing position.
The incessant what if scenarios in my head, helped me prepare for a crash and avoid getting hurt.
So, the "what if" thinking happens a lot. Sometimes it has to do with war fare and violence.
It can become an obsession, and it can get me down, but it can also be a tool.
Adam
When don't I? That sounds bad, doesn't it? In my opinion, we Aspies are "What If?" machines. What if some one jumped out of the bushes and tried to attack me? What if a gun man broke into my home and threatened my children?
Last Friday some guy jumped out of the bushes about two blocks from my home and snatched a girl. They found her later that day, but I don't believe that they have found the perpetrator. All I could think about that day is what if some one snatched my child? There where many scenarios in my head and none of them where kindly.
Our minds work in three dimensions, and in graphic detail. In a job, that can be an excellent asset as an Aspie mind can actually picture something happening and look for problems. I crashed on my bike once because the pavement was slick. I strained my wrist. So after that most of the time as I'm riding I was playing crash/fall scenarios over and over in my head.
The second time I crashed was by hitting a section of pavement that was under construction, but this time the scenario played back. I analyzed and executed and only got banged up a little. Later that summer, I accidentally ran straight into a curb, this time I executed an exaggerated curving roll into the crash and ended it up by jumping into a standing position.
The incessant what if scenarios in my head, helped me prepare for a crash and avoid getting hurt.
So, the "what if" thinking happens a lot. Sometimes it has to do with war fare and violence.
It can become an obsession, and it can get me down, but it can also be a tool.
Adam
Aug 9, 2007
Wine or Shine
I was riding my bike to work this morning. When the storm system go through, I get extra aches and pains. I have a mild case of Fibromialgia. I'm starting to wonder if that goes hand in hand with the Autism Spectrum.
Because of my over aroused sensory system when I was riding past a sprinkler system that was misting some ones lawn, each drop that shot at me hurt a little. Of course then it began to rain and I was just wet all over. The rain was nice and warm though.
I don't like being wet.
I shouldn't have to ride in the rain.
No one else I know has to ride in the rain.
Those were some of my thoughts. That's when I decided to do some serious self talk. You see, some of the people I admire accomplished great things for the societies around them with less resources than they needed and with obstacles and difficulties at the same time. The didn't wine about it (at least not in the books they wrote).
Instead their attitudes and actions made them stand out from the crowd. Dietrich Bonhoeffer was imprisoned in 1943 because he helped fund the escape of Jews from Germany. He was executed in 1945 after he was traced back to a plot to overthrow Hitler. Bonhoeffer never let his circumstances define who he was, and he took solace in the truth that true freedom (i.e. inner freedom that comes from trusting Christ) can never be taken. Inner freedom can not be taken away by other people or even by death. He decided to SHINE instead of WINE.
He must of had bad days, painful days, days when he had nothing good to say to anyone. Everyone has those days. Don't you think there were days when he was mad at God for his circumstances? Those, however, where the exceptions. The general flow and direction of his life was to affirm and act upon the basis of His Christian principals and inner freedom.
I have other heros that I could write about later. I have to admit, I have yet to read any of Dietrich Bonhoeffer's books. I know the basic outline of his life and some of his most famous quotes. Initially I've been afraid to read his books, because I think they will force me to a new level of living. A level at which I want to live. Changing levels is always painful.
Now, with missions prep, I have limited time for reading since I have quite a bit of assigned reading. You'll know if I'm reading one of his books or a book about him. His best known work is "The Cost of Discipleship". You'll know if I'm reading it, because I'll have to tell you about it.
Anyway, back to shining.
Being wet is a temporary situation. So is everything in life, including life itself. It is our soul/spirit that is eternal. Eternity is huge in comparison to the hundred or so years we will live in this life, so even the worst trial in this life can be considered a momentary affliction when placed in view of eternity.
So, my fellow Aspies, what areas can we learn to endure and move on. How often are we trapped by our condition, unwilling to extend into areas of discomfort. Maybe it's time we strive against the odds and against our circumstances and push past into areas that make us uncomfortable. I think it's time that we try that thing that scares us. Or try a little bit of it.
And while we are trying it look for better and more effective ways to deal with the stress, but don't run from the stress of trying new and uncomfortable things. Endure and move forward in life, since the pain is only a momentary reality.
Adam
Because of my over aroused sensory system when I was riding past a sprinkler system that was misting some ones lawn, each drop that shot at me hurt a little. Of course then it began to rain and I was just wet all over. The rain was nice and warm though.
I don't like being wet.
I shouldn't have to ride in the rain.
No one else I know has to ride in the rain.
Those were some of my thoughts. That's when I decided to do some serious self talk. You see, some of the people I admire accomplished great things for the societies around them with less resources than they needed and with obstacles and difficulties at the same time. The didn't wine about it (at least not in the books they wrote).
Instead their attitudes and actions made them stand out from the crowd. Dietrich Bonhoeffer was imprisoned in 1943 because he helped fund the escape of Jews from Germany. He was executed in 1945 after he was traced back to a plot to overthrow Hitler. Bonhoeffer never let his circumstances define who he was, and he took solace in the truth that true freedom (i.e. inner freedom that comes from trusting Christ) can never be taken. Inner freedom can not be taken away by other people or even by death. He decided to SHINE instead of WINE.
He must of had bad days, painful days, days when he had nothing good to say to anyone. Everyone has those days. Don't you think there were days when he was mad at God for his circumstances? Those, however, where the exceptions. The general flow and direction of his life was to affirm and act upon the basis of His Christian principals and inner freedom.
I have other heros that I could write about later. I have to admit, I have yet to read any of Dietrich Bonhoeffer's books. I know the basic outline of his life and some of his most famous quotes. Initially I've been afraid to read his books, because I think they will force me to a new level of living. A level at which I want to live. Changing levels is always painful.
Now, with missions prep, I have limited time for reading since I have quite a bit of assigned reading. You'll know if I'm reading one of his books or a book about him. His best known work is "The Cost of Discipleship". You'll know if I'm reading it, because I'll have to tell you about it.
Anyway, back to shining.
Being wet is a temporary situation. So is everything in life, including life itself. It is our soul/spirit that is eternal. Eternity is huge in comparison to the hundred or so years we will live in this life, so even the worst trial in this life can be considered a momentary affliction when placed in view of eternity.
So, my fellow Aspies, what areas can we learn to endure and move on. How often are we trapped by our condition, unwilling to extend into areas of discomfort. Maybe it's time we strive against the odds and against our circumstances and push past into areas that make us uncomfortable. I think it's time that we try that thing that scares us. Or try a little bit of it.
And while we are trying it look for better and more effective ways to deal with the stress, but don't run from the stress of trying new and uncomfortable things. Endure and move forward in life, since the pain is only a momentary reality.
Adam
Aug 7, 2007
Aspies Inc. Blog
I want to find out more about my readers, by using a series of polls. Look on the side panel of this blog for the first one. These will be simple anonymous polls, that will give me an idea of how often readers are checking for new content, and what other kinds of events or information will be helpful to you.
As always if you have questions or comments, click on the comments link at the end of any of the posts. I get an e-mail whenever a comment is posted and will post a response either in that same comment section or within the body of another post.
I want to make sure this blog is useful to those that are reading it, so my first poll is intended to find out how often readers check in to look for new posts. In the past I've thought about locating other writers so that there is more posts and greater variety. I keep a journal too, becuase writing helps me keep my emotional and intelectual sense of balance. Well, one day I just started writing a fictional story that contained elements of my life in it. It allowed me to document thoughts and reactions that I've had to life without trying to acurately record real events. It also lets me interact with my thoughts and feelings in a creative way.
I wrote one chapter and then misplaced my journal. My wife found my journal in a suitcase so when I have some freetime, the next chapter is in my head. I'm wondering if I should try my story out on you'll here in this blog or just start it up in a different blog. It's the type of thing for which I might go three months without any posts and then post something 10 days in a row.
It might be more interesting to have two or three other Aspies writing here in this blog. Multiple perspectives may generate a more useful blog.
Anyway, as you are reading this post, please help me by completing the poll on the right side of the screen. Also post any comments or suggestions to the blog. If it doesn't make sense how to do that, please feel free to e-mail me at adam@parmenterclan.com.
I want to make Aspies, Inc as useful as possible.
Adam
As always if you have questions or comments, click on the comments link at the end of any of the posts. I get an e-mail whenever a comment is posted and will post a response either in that same comment section or within the body of another post.
I want to make sure this blog is useful to those that are reading it, so my first poll is intended to find out how often readers check in to look for new posts. In the past I've thought about locating other writers so that there is more posts and greater variety. I keep a journal too, becuase writing helps me keep my emotional and intelectual sense of balance. Well, one day I just started writing a fictional story that contained elements of my life in it. It allowed me to document thoughts and reactions that I've had to life without trying to acurately record real events. It also lets me interact with my thoughts and feelings in a creative way.
I wrote one chapter and then misplaced my journal. My wife found my journal in a suitcase so when I have some freetime, the next chapter is in my head. I'm wondering if I should try my story out on you'll here in this blog or just start it up in a different blog. It's the type of thing for which I might go three months without any posts and then post something 10 days in a row.
It might be more interesting to have two or three other Aspies writing here in this blog. Multiple perspectives may generate a more useful blog.
Anyway, as you are reading this post, please help me by completing the poll on the right side of the screen. Also post any comments or suggestions to the blog. If it doesn't make sense how to do that, please feel free to e-mail me at adam@parmenterclan.com.
I want to make Aspies, Inc as useful as possible.
Adam
Aug 2, 2007
What should I say?
There are so many times, when not talking (i.e. holding my tongue) is best for everybody. I was in a meeting at work and a coworker kept interrupting me. This individual dominated the meeting. Any question asked the answer came from this person. Every time I tried to ask a question or make a comment, I got cut off. This individual has handed in a resignation, and will be leaving in about a week. It's said that quite a few people were happy this person resigned.
I kept reminding myself that God made this person and I therefore must treat this individual with value and respect. I could not determine how it could benefit anyone or anything other than to let of some irritation. So I held my tongue. I didn't say all the stuff that I could have justifiably said.
In the end this person would have written me off as inferior, and would have moved on, but I would have been viewed as a hot-head.
What is the lesson for Aspies. Let everything you say be carefully considered before you speak. Be certain that you are speaking for the benefit of others or to enjoy a relational conversation. If what you are saying is spoken in anger, retribution, or just because you have the information in your head, keep it to yourself.
I'm not always successful, but that's what I did today.
Adam
I kept reminding myself that God made this person and I therefore must treat this individual with value and respect. I could not determine how it could benefit anyone or anything other than to let of some irritation. So I held my tongue. I didn't say all the stuff that I could have justifiably said.
In the end this person would have written me off as inferior, and would have moved on, but I would have been viewed as a hot-head.
What is the lesson for Aspies. Let everything you say be carefully considered before you speak. Be certain that you are speaking for the benefit of others or to enjoy a relational conversation. If what you are saying is spoken in anger, retribution, or just because you have the information in your head, keep it to yourself.
I'm not always successful, but that's what I did today.
Adam
Jul 24, 2007
Thimerisol and President Bush
"Bush Set To Veto HHS-Labor-Education Appropriations Bill Due To Provision To Remove Mercury From Infant Vaccines"
I didn't know that the flu vacine may contain Thimerisol. Click on the link above to read the entire article on the Bill the president is set to veto.
Also, take note that some flu vacines do not contain Thimerisol. Thimerisol is a mercury based preservative used in some vacines. A panel at the FDA found Thimerisol to be toxic in 1982. Some claim that Thimerisol is a contributing factor in Autism Spectrum Disorders.
Mercury may or may not have a link to ASD, but Mercury is just a bad thing to be putting into our bodies. This fall when you consider getting the flue vacine, ask your physician or health department what brand they use, and if it contains Thimerisol.
The following do NOT contain no mercury or Thimerisol:
Fluarix® from GlaxoSmithKline (contains no mercury)
FluMist® MedImmune (contains no mercury)
Fluzone® Sanofi Pasteur - *request mercury-free version. The Fluzone prefilled syringe contains no mercury, but the Fluzone 5ml vial contains mercury.
Fluvirin® is made by Novartis vacines and it seems to also be made by Chiron which, I think, is owned by Novartis. It's the largest selling vacine in the world. It contains some Thimerisol, but I'm not sure how much.
Adam
I didn't know that the flu vacine may contain Thimerisol. Click on the link above to read the entire article on the Bill the president is set to veto.
Also, take note that some flu vacines do not contain Thimerisol. Thimerisol is a mercury based preservative used in some vacines. A panel at the FDA found Thimerisol to be toxic in 1982. Some claim that Thimerisol is a contributing factor in Autism Spectrum Disorders.
Mercury may or may not have a link to ASD, but Mercury is just a bad thing to be putting into our bodies. This fall when you consider getting the flue vacine, ask your physician or health department what brand they use, and if it contains Thimerisol.
The following do NOT contain no mercury or Thimerisol:
Fluarix® from GlaxoSmithKline (contains no mercury)
FluMist® MedImmune (contains no mercury)
Fluzone® Sanofi Pasteur - *request mercury-free version. The Fluzone prefilled syringe contains no mercury, but the Fluzone 5ml vial contains mercury.
Fluvirin® is made by Novartis vacines and it seems to also be made by Chiron which, I think, is owned by Novartis. It's the largest selling vacine in the world. It contains some Thimerisol, but I'm not sure how much.
Adam
Jul 11, 2007
Aspie in Missions?
So, I'm sitting at the head quarters for Association of Baptists for World Evangelism (ABWE). We are in Candidate Seminar.
If we successfully complete this seminar, then we will be appointed as ABWE missionaries.
I won't get much opportunity to post to this blog until after 23-July. But in the mean time, you can check my missions blog at http://journey2missions.blogspot.com/
If we successfully complete this seminar, then we will be appointed as ABWE missionaries.
I won't get much opportunity to post to this blog until after 23-July. But in the mean time, you can check my missions blog at http://journey2missions.blogspot.com/
Jul 4, 2007
Autism Gene Breakthrough Hailed
Autism Gene Breakthrough Hailed
Click the link above for the full article.
"Chromosome 11 was identified as one of the culprits Scientists have found new autism genes by scanning the largest collection of families with multiple cases of autism ever assembled."
This is one more indication that Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) are hereditery and not caused by mercury or bad prenatal vitamins or some such. It does not indicate anything about people in the spectrum being extra sensative to environmental factors such as mercury, etc.
Experience and research already indicates that those of us in the spectrum have extra sensativities to diet, chemicals, smells, etc. So, it seems likely that our condition could be exaserbated, while not caused, by external factors. By the same token it seems likely that bothersome symptoms could be controlled by elimination or supplements.
Adam
Click the link above for the full article.
"Chromosome 11 was identified as one of the culprits Scientists have found new autism genes by scanning the largest collection of families with multiple cases of autism ever assembled."
This is one more indication that Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) are hereditery and not caused by mercury or bad prenatal vitamins or some such. It does not indicate anything about people in the spectrum being extra sensative to environmental factors such as mercury, etc.
Experience and research already indicates that those of us in the spectrum have extra sensativities to diet, chemicals, smells, etc. So, it seems likely that our condition could be exaserbated, while not caused, by external factors. By the same token it seems likely that bothersome symptoms could be controlled by elimination or supplements.
Adam
Jun 27, 2007
Aspie Traveler Survival Kit - Ear Plugs
Ear Plugs
These are little foam plugs. You roll them in your fingers so that they become thin, insert them in your ears and they expand blocking out some, but not all of the sound around you.
They block out much but not all of the high and mid range frequencies of sound, and don't do much for the low frequencies. The very low frequencies are more felt than heard anyway.
I use the Hearos earplugs ($2 a pack) because they are flesh tone and less noticeable. When I travel I just carry a pair in my pocket and casually pop them in when I need them. There are times I'll just pop one in one ear. Anything to help filter out found that is becoming overwhelming.
I spoke with a coworker that purchased sound isolating headphones. For a $100 plus a pair, make sure that you really do your homework and don't just take Dr. Bose word for it. Apparently the BOSE headphones really block out sound and surround the ear nicely.
The question is when you travel do you need something to completely isolate all sound (if possible) or just to cut back. The foam earplugs block out sound, but I can still hear what people are saying, and even speak. Speaking is something of a challenge, because I can't be sure how loud I am. Turns out that when I have them in I talk more quietly.
Frankly, when I travel, even if things aren't loud, they and the sun glasses cut back on the amount of data to sort in my brain, and I often just leave them in the whole time I travel.
I do NOT recommend wearing them if you are driving the car. You need to be able to hear everything in order to drive a car safely.
Adam
Jun 21, 2007
Magnesium and B6 Supplements May Help
Well,
I've noticed that a Magnesium supplement seems to help me. I have no medical or clinical training, so I wasn't sure if what I was experiencing was legitimate or just the placebo effect.
I recently was able to find some research that would indicate that I'm on the right track.
Click this link for the full article.
Give it a read. It's a little hard to understand all of it, but it's good to give it a try. Curious if anyone has had any experience or found any science to back up or explain the clain that Magnesium and B6 is helpful for Aspies?
Adam
I've noticed that a Magnesium supplement seems to help me. I have no medical or clinical training, so I wasn't sure if what I was experiencing was legitimate or just the placebo effect.
I recently was able to find some research that would indicate that I'm on the right track.
Click this link for the full article.
Give it a read. It's a little hard to understand all of it, but it's good to give it a try. Curious if anyone has had any experience or found any science to back up or explain the clain that Magnesium and B6 is helpful for Aspies?
Adam
Jun 20, 2007
That was interesting. . .
Well, this morning I packed up my hand outs and things that I wanted to show, hoisted a 15 pound backpack, and rode my bicycle to work. After work I got on my bike and rode to the D&W for the Aspies Inc Coffee, arriving 30 min. early. I hunted around for what looked like a meeting room, and then went to the service desk. I was told that it wasn't really a meeting room, it was just an open area on the second floor with tables and chairs.
So, I got myself set up and then sat there. Luckily I had all the supplies from my Aspie Traveler Survival Kit to help me pass the time. I had the hand outs set out on the table in hopes that it would make me a little more obvious. At 7pm I walked down the stairs to see if anyone was sitting down there. At 7:40 I packed up, hoisted my back pack and pedaled for home.
I was disapointed and discouraged at first, but prayer has a way of easing those things. It's good not to be controlled by circumstances, and I was really starting to get worked up. So, gave it over to God and could feel the frustration sort of melt away.
So, in the process I got some great bike riding in too.
Adam
So, I got myself set up and then sat there. Luckily I had all the supplies from my Aspie Traveler Survival Kit to help me pass the time. I had the hand outs set out on the table in hopes that it would make me a little more obvious. At 7pm I walked down the stairs to see if anyone was sitting down there. At 7:40 I packed up, hoisted my back pack and pedaled for home.
I was disapointed and discouraged at first, but prayer has a way of easing those things. It's good not to be controlled by circumstances, and I was really starting to get worked up. So, gave it over to God and could feel the frustration sort of melt away.
So, in the process I got some great bike riding in too.
Adam
Jun 17, 2007
Aspies Inc - Coffee Club 20-June-2007
Join me on Wednesday 20-June-2007 from 7pm to 9pm at the D&W second story meeting room for an informal evening of conversation.
D&W Grocery Store (yes they actually have a meeting room)
525 Romence, Portage, MI
Phone 269-329-3202
The event is free. If you want coffee or snacks, there is a Starbucks kiosk in the store and, well, it's a grocery store, buy whatever you want to eat.
O.K. you Aspies, before you panic about having to chit chat, it aint like that.
Cool, I ryhmed.
I'm going to talk for about 15 min. I think I'll be bringing the Aspie Traveler Survival Kit to show everyone. Then we'll just have a guided discussion. What we discuss will depend on who is there. Some one might say, "Did you guys ever have to deal with bullies?". Maybe you have figured out a great way to deal with teasing, or some excellent way to relax when you are over stimmed.
This evening is openning to anyone in the spectrum from High Functioning Autism, to Asperger Syndrome to all you PDD NOS types. Parents and care givers who have questions about living life in the spectrum are also welcome, but the Aspies get to talk first (just kidding).
Ground Rules:
D&W Grocery Store (yes they actually have a meeting room)
525 Romence, Portage, MI
Phone 269-329-3202
The event is free. If you want coffee or snacks, there is a Starbucks kiosk in the store and, well, it's a grocery store, buy whatever you want to eat.
O.K. you Aspies, before you panic about having to chit chat, it aint like that.
Cool, I ryhmed.
I'm going to talk for about 15 min. I think I'll be bringing the Aspie Traveler Survival Kit to show everyone. Then we'll just have a guided discussion. What we discuss will depend on who is there. Some one might say, "Did you guys ever have to deal with bullies?". Maybe you have figured out a great way to deal with teasing, or some excellent way to relax when you are over stimmed.
This evening is openning to anyone in the spectrum from High Functioning Autism, to Asperger Syndrome to all you PDD NOS types. Parents and care givers who have questions about living life in the spectrum are also welcome, but the Aspies get to talk first (just kidding).
Ground Rules:
- No put downs. You can question what some one says, but you can't say it is stupid (or anything like that).
- No profanities.
- Ask at least one question before you make a statement. Ask questions that will help you understand what some one is saying.
- No sales. If you have something you are selling, save it for afterward. Talking about your business and trying to get us to buy your stuff, does not count as sharing or conversing.
- Excercise the power of pass. If some one asks you a question, you don't have to answer it. This isn't school. Just say pass.
- Be honest. Speak you mind.
- While your speaking your mind, be careful to phrase your statements with kindness to others feelings.
- The leader has the right to change the subject at any time.
May 31, 2007
Emma and Elaine
A young girl posted a comment to one of my recent posts on bullying:
"Yes i get bullied. Bullying makes me feel sad. I don't want to have autism anymore. My mommy tells me that is what makes me special."
"ps: hi i am emma's mom and she is telling me that she doesn't want autism anymore and i am wondering if you can help her with some advice.thanks,emma and elaine"
I want to help in anyway that I can, but I need to understand more about what is happening.
I do want to restate that I'm not a clinician, not a DR., nor a therapist of any kind. I'm just a Christian Aspie from Kalamazoo, Michigan. That said, perhaps we can think this through together and help Emma find a solution that works for her.
So, please post in the comment section to this blog posting. Please tell me your story of what happens. My belief is that in bullying situations it's often the same people doing the same things over and over.
Nothing is ever exactly the same every time, but I bet it might be mostly the same each time.
So, please tell me
"Yes i get bullied. Bullying makes me feel sad. I don't want to have autism anymore. My mommy tells me that is what makes me special."
"ps: hi i am emma's mom and she is telling me that she doesn't want autism anymore and i am wondering if you can help her with some advice.thanks,emma and elaine"
I want to help in anyway that I can, but I need to understand more about what is happening.
I do want to restate that I'm not a clinician, not a DR., nor a therapist of any kind. I'm just a Christian Aspie from Kalamazoo, Michigan. That said, perhaps we can think this through together and help Emma find a solution that works for her.
So, please post in the comment section to this blog posting. Please tell me your story of what happens. My belief is that in bullying situations it's often the same people doing the same things over and over.
Nothing is ever exactly the same every time, but I bet it might be mostly the same each time.
So, please tell me
- Who and how many (you don't have to use names). Boy or girl?
- Where - Does it happen most at school? If so where in the school. Does it happen in your neighborhood?, then where in your neighborhood. At the shopping mall?
- Who else - Who else is there witnessing this. I mean non-bullies. Are you with your friends, teachers, other adults, or is there hardly any one else around.
- The Script - Movies and plays have a script so that the actors know what to say. The bullies might not say exactly the same thing each time, but what do they say most often? What do you usually say or do in response. It will help if you can make it like into a play with dialogue and actions. The play could be called, "The Typical Bullying Thing".
This is the first step in the process of stopping the bullying. I call this step IDENTIFY AND OWN. I've heard over and over, and it's true also for me, that we Aspies feel comforted when we can write down things and feelings. Also, the bully or bullies have you believing that they have power over you. By writing down all the Who, where, who else, and the script it will help you to have power over the situation.
Emma, your greatest power is not unkind actions like pushing, grabbing, or fists. Nor is your power in unkind words. Those are things that bullies use. Bullies use unkind actions and words, because they are week and sad.
The truth is, Emma, that your mommy is right. You are special. Autism does give you some special things. Some very smart and talented people have Asperger Syndrome or Autism. Autism/Asperger is a real hastle sometimes and I have days that having it makes me feel sad or angry, but it is who I am, and having it gives me some special ways of thinking that others might not have.
What makes you really really special is something that makes every person special and unique. I believe that every human being (even bullies) where made by God. I believe that God is the most special of all. I believe He is very creative, wise, and beautiful. God is like the most wondrous artist of all, and Emma, he made you. That means you are special, wondrous, and beautiful. God would never make a mistake or make something ugly.
I'm sad to say that the bullies are not acting like one of God's creation nor are they treating you like one of God's creation. Somewhere inside those bullies there is something special too, but over time they have covered the beautiful parts of who they are with lots of ugly and dark parts. I don't know if there is anything you can say that will stop them from being bullies. What you can do, is help them stop bullying you. That is good for you and them both.
So, please tell me the stuff I asked for above, and I'll try and help you. I tried this on my son, and it helped him.
Adam
May 25, 2007
Calmer@Work
Sitting in a meeting at work 11:30am
Funny, but I'm sitting in a meeting, and I'm feeling fairly focused and quite calm. It's not a very interesting meeting, but it's important. Normally, I would be so stirred up that I would need to blog, check e-mail, and surf the net in order to keep myself calm. Right now I'm jotting this idea down on paper so that I won't forget it later. Otherwise my mind is at rest.
Later
I'm not sure the cause. I've made some major changes to my diet. I've also been riding my bicycle to work more, and have been wearing ankle weights at home. The ankle weights are something I'm trying. They actually have a calming effect. I've also been praying a lot and been spending more time reading and thinking about the Bible.
There is clearly more stress in my life with preparations for a trip to Eastern Europe, but I am feeling better than I have in quite some time.
Funny, but I'm sitting in a meeting, and I'm feeling fairly focused and quite calm. It's not a very interesting meeting, but it's important. Normally, I would be so stirred up that I would need to blog, check e-mail, and surf the net in order to keep myself calm. Right now I'm jotting this idea down on paper so that I won't forget it later. Otherwise my mind is at rest.
Later
I'm not sure the cause. I've made some major changes to my diet. I've also been riding my bicycle to work more, and have been wearing ankle weights at home. The ankle weights are something I'm trying. They actually have a calming effect. I've also been praying a lot and been spending more time reading and thinking about the Bible.
There is clearly more stress in my life with preparations for a trip to Eastern Europe, but I am feeling better than I have in quite some time.
May 22, 2007
No Link Found Between Autism And Thimerosal In Vaccines
"The increase in the number of diagnosed cases of autism in recent years has sparked concern that environmental toxins may cause this complex disorder. However, a new University of Missouri-Columbia study concludes that exposure to Rh immune globulin preserved with mercury-containing thimerosal before birth was no higher for children with autism. "
"The study - 'Lack of Association Between Rh Status, Rh Immune Globulin in Pregnancy and Autism' - was published in the May 2007 issue of the American Journal of Medical Genetics."
Quoted from http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/medicalnews.php?newsid=71209
So, what does this mean? I think that it means that there is no way to prevent autism by removing a something from your environment. Mercury is toxic and just all around bad, but not necessarily the cause of Autism/Asperger. Ofcourse, I don't think this one study will or sould put this topic to rest.
In my experience there are environmental factors that contribute to and exacerbate symptoms of Asperger/Autism. It's important to understand how and to what extent diet, toxins, etc impact Asperger/Autism and how changes can be brought to bear in the life of individuals to ease some of the distressing symptomology.
That said, my pet theory is that Asperger/Autism is primarily genetic, which means in the absence of some high tech gene treatment, you are what you are. I don't know if I want there to be an absolute cure for ASD. It is so much bound up in who I am. Perhaps what's more important is what does having ASD mean about who you are? Are you o.k. with this label? If you are a parent or care giver, what message are you sending your child? Are you willing to accept the way they are and help them live a full and healthy life?
If there can be not cure, can you still live a meaningful life? That's really what's most important.
Adam
"The study - 'Lack of Association Between Rh Status, Rh Immune Globulin in Pregnancy and Autism' - was published in the May 2007 issue of the American Journal of Medical Genetics."
Quoted from http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/medicalnews.php?newsid=71209
So, what does this mean? I think that it means that there is no way to prevent autism by removing a something from your environment. Mercury is toxic and just all around bad, but not necessarily the cause of Autism/Asperger. Ofcourse, I don't think this one study will or sould put this topic to rest.
In my experience there are environmental factors that contribute to and exacerbate symptoms of Asperger/Autism. It's important to understand how and to what extent diet, toxins, etc impact Asperger/Autism and how changes can be brought to bear in the life of individuals to ease some of the distressing symptomology.
That said, my pet theory is that Asperger/Autism is primarily genetic, which means in the absence of some high tech gene treatment, you are what you are. I don't know if I want there to be an absolute cure for ASD. It is so much bound up in who I am. Perhaps what's more important is what does having ASD mean about who you are? Are you o.k. with this label? If you are a parent or care giver, what message are you sending your child? Are you willing to accept the way they are and help them live a full and healthy life?
If there can be not cure, can you still live a meaningful life? That's really what's most important.
Adam
Fibromyalgia - Asperger/Autism Connection?
Aryeh Abeles, MD and other contributing doctors have authored research recently published in the Annals of Internal Medicine. The study put forth the notion that Fibromyalgia sufferers have a lower pain threshold.
Maybe it's better to sayt that they have a greater sensativity to everything. Maybe Fibromyalgia sufferers sensory defensive.
Having recenly been reading the book "Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight: What to Do If You Are Sensory Defensive in an Overstimulating World", I started wondering if there is a connection between the overstimulated state of our Aspie brains and the existance of chronic pain.
I wonder if Aspies have more occurance of Fibromyalgia and other similar conditions?
This is a very short post. Just posing the question, curious of what anyone else is thinking.
Adam
Maybe it's better to sayt that they have a greater sensativity to everything. Maybe Fibromyalgia sufferers sensory defensive.
Having recenly been reading the book "Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight: What to Do If You Are Sensory Defensive in an Overstimulating World", I started wondering if there is a connection between the overstimulated state of our Aspie brains and the existance of chronic pain.
I wonder if Aspies have more occurance of Fibromyalgia and other similar conditions?
This is a very short post. Just posing the question, curious of what anyone else is thinking.
Adam
May 17, 2007
Durable Pets, Weighted Vests, and Trampolines
I saw Jerry Newport speak once. He has a great book called You Are Not A Label. In his presentation he talks a lot about getting durable pets for people in the Autism Spectrum. He means a dog or some pet that can endure/enjoy being hugged and squeezed.
I don't remember if he discusses the background behind why that might help, or if he helps people decide what will help their child. I wonder how many parents and care givers are stuck in the "fix my child" mode, without coming to terms with what they are trying to accomplish? I wonder how many people misunderstood Jerry's point and ran out to buy a dog for their child.
Others are trying to find out if I've tried weighted vests or if I've bought a trampoline yet.
If I were to pose the question of, what values are behind your decision to purchase a dog or trampoline, the person might reply with, "I'm just trying to help my child!"
That response or one like it is unacceptable anywhere else you know.
At a restaurant,
Waiter: May I take your order?
Diner: I want dinner. That's all I want.
Waiter: Please, be more specific about what it is you want for your meal.
Diner: "I just want dinner!"
With a realtor,
Realtor: What are you looking for in a home?
Home Buyer: Look, I just am trying to find a home o.k.? Just get me a home I can buy!"
Auto Mechanic: What specifically seems to be wrong with your car?
Customer: "Look, I just want to fix my car!"
My wife and I have considered numerous treatments and therapies for our children and have taken advantage of very few. Our primary intervention has been at home, and what we teach them about our faith and values (identity). What treatments or therapies we choose are based on thoughtful consideration. What we choose would be different based on our child's age, but at the fore front of our thinking is our child as a person, and what will enrich his/her life as a person (identity).
Just a thought.
One final note. I am going to buy leg weights this weekend. I plan on wearing them all day. It may help me feel more grounded as the weights will trigger nerve endings in the joints. If you can come to the Aspies Inc. coffee 20-June-2007 I'll let you know how it is working. I have been doing some other exercises and notice some small improvement in tension. ''
Later,
Adam
I don't remember if he discusses the background behind why that might help, or if he helps people decide what will help their child. I wonder how many parents and care givers are stuck in the "fix my child" mode, without coming to terms with what they are trying to accomplish? I wonder how many people misunderstood Jerry's point and ran out to buy a dog for their child.
Others are trying to find out if I've tried weighted vests or if I've bought a trampoline yet.
If I were to pose the question of, what values are behind your decision to purchase a dog or trampoline, the person might reply with, "I'm just trying to help my child!"
That response or one like it is unacceptable anywhere else you know.
At a restaurant,
Waiter: May I take your order?
Diner: I want dinner. That's all I want.
Waiter: Please, be more specific about what it is you want for your meal.
Diner: "I just want dinner!"
With a realtor,
Realtor: What are you looking for in a home?
Home Buyer: Look, I just am trying to find a home o.k.? Just get me a home I can buy!"
Auto Mechanic: What specifically seems to be wrong with your car?
Customer: "Look, I just want to fix my car!"
My wife and I have considered numerous treatments and therapies for our children and have taken advantage of very few. Our primary intervention has been at home, and what we teach them about our faith and values (identity). What treatments or therapies we choose are based on thoughtful consideration. What we choose would be different based on our child's age, but at the fore front of our thinking is our child as a person, and what will enrich his/her life as a person (identity).
Just a thought.
One final note. I am going to buy leg weights this weekend. I plan on wearing them all day. It may help me feel more grounded as the weights will trigger nerve endings in the joints. If you can come to the Aspies Inc. coffee 20-June-2007 I'll let you know how it is working. I have been doing some other exercises and notice some small improvement in tension. ''
Later,
Adam
Do Aspies Need Faith?
O.K., here's what I hear when parents and care givers get together:
Have you tried vitamins?
I hear vestibular stimulation can cure some!
Have you tried rolling on a medicine ball?
You should send your child for chelation!
Upon receiving the diagnosis parents and care givers switch into panic mode, and jump at things to cure or nearly cure their children. At worst they are engaging in action without direction. At best they are engaging in action that has short sited direction.
Unless our plans/actions are based on some kind of purpose and values we are going to be often frustrated and may even harmful. This might irk a parent or care giver who could respond by saying, "I just want what's best for my child!"
I would say something nice, but inside I would think, "No, you are trying to fix your kid. You are panicked that your child is disabled, and you can't deal with it." So, like all good Americans we just do more, instead of going back to the values position of our live's before planing what to do.
If you saw my talk on Four Square Life Planning you'll know what I'm getting at.
This is especially important for Aspies and others whose disabilities tend toward impulsiveness. Please read this very carefully: My faith and my identity (translation: values) saved my life. They were the reason I never committed suicide.
So, you've just received a diagnosis of Asperger or ADD or OCD or you-name-it, and you are panicked. You might not call it panic, but it is (at least a little). You may also feel anger. Those are normal reactions. Panic and anger are secondary emotions. They typically mask other more troubling feelings such as helplessness and guilt. Panic and anger will shift and change over time and they are looking for a quick fix. If you follow them, you will be looking for a quick fix.
What your Aspie child needs is for you to help them form a solid foundation in their lives that they can rely on for every decision. They need to be able to turn to something in every situation. So, what are they learning?
If things aren't working do more things to fix it.
That's what we do in America. What ultimately saved me is a solid faith/values framework in my mind that created important boundaries and guides to my actions and direction. I messed up a lot in life, but never completely violated the guiding principals that my parents instilled in me as a youth.
What do people with Asperger need? All the different therapies are good, but more than that we Aspies need a framework in which to live our lives. We need that structure so that we can understand what is right, wrong and preferential. We need a framework to guide our thinking so that we can make decisions about what is a valuable direction for our lives and what is not.
The principals on which I've based my life have changed very little. Often I have done a poor job of living by them, but they have gravity like the sun and pull me back toward them. How? I believe them to be true, and they were deeply embedded in me as a child.
The Bible says, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." A closer examination of the original language reveals that the passage is not saying that the child won't violate or ignore the way he/she was trained, but the child will never depart from it. Regardless of what decisions I've made in life, the principals instilled in me as a child have never left me, and have drawn me toward them.
My parents began instilling these principals in me from the moment they could talk to me. At the age of four I made a faith decision to be a follower of Christ. I'm an Aspie, I probably could have done it age three.
I'm not sure how to end this one.
Maybe this. It is important to understand Asperger Syndrome and the various therapies that will help your child, but far more important is to understand your own faith and values and to clarify those or teach those to your child. If your child is old enough then the exercise is to help your child clarify them for himself/herself.
Faith and values will outlast any therapies and will sustain your child through the worst "hell" they may experience.
Adam
Have you tried vitamins?
I hear vestibular stimulation can cure some!
Have you tried rolling on a medicine ball?
You should send your child for chelation!
Upon receiving the diagnosis parents and care givers switch into panic mode, and jump at things to cure or nearly cure their children. At worst they are engaging in action without direction. At best they are engaging in action that has short sited direction.
Unless our plans/actions are based on some kind of purpose and values we are going to be often frustrated and may even harmful. This might irk a parent or care giver who could respond by saying, "I just want what's best for my child!"
I would say something nice, but inside I would think, "No, you are trying to fix your kid. You are panicked that your child is disabled, and you can't deal with it." So, like all good Americans we just do more, instead of going back to the values position of our live's before planing what to do.
If you saw my talk on Four Square Life Planning you'll know what I'm getting at.
This is especially important for Aspies and others whose disabilities tend toward impulsiveness. Please read this very carefully: My faith and my identity (translation: values) saved my life. They were the reason I never committed suicide.
So, you've just received a diagnosis of Asperger or ADD or OCD or you-name-it, and you are panicked. You might not call it panic, but it is (at least a little). You may also feel anger. Those are normal reactions. Panic and anger are secondary emotions. They typically mask other more troubling feelings such as helplessness and guilt. Panic and anger will shift and change over time and they are looking for a quick fix. If you follow them, you will be looking for a quick fix.
What your Aspie child needs is for you to help them form a solid foundation in their lives that they can rely on for every decision. They need to be able to turn to something in every situation. So, what are they learning?
If things aren't working do more things to fix it.
That's what we do in America. What ultimately saved me is a solid faith/values framework in my mind that created important boundaries and guides to my actions and direction. I messed up a lot in life, but never completely violated the guiding principals that my parents instilled in me as a youth.
What do people with Asperger need? All the different therapies are good, but more than that we Aspies need a framework in which to live our lives. We need that structure so that we can understand what is right, wrong and preferential. We need a framework to guide our thinking so that we can make decisions about what is a valuable direction for our lives and what is not.
The principals on which I've based my life have changed very little. Often I have done a poor job of living by them, but they have gravity like the sun and pull me back toward them. How? I believe them to be true, and they were deeply embedded in me as a child.
The Bible says, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." A closer examination of the original language reveals that the passage is not saying that the child won't violate or ignore the way he/she was trained, but the child will never depart from it. Regardless of what decisions I've made in life, the principals instilled in me as a child have never left me, and have drawn me toward them.
My parents began instilling these principals in me from the moment they could talk to me. At the age of four I made a faith decision to be a follower of Christ. I'm an Aspie, I probably could have done it age three.
I'm not sure how to end this one.
Maybe this. It is important to understand Asperger Syndrome and the various therapies that will help your child, but far more important is to understand your own faith and values and to clarify those or teach those to your child. If your child is old enough then the exercise is to help your child clarify them for himself/herself.
Faith and values will outlast any therapies and will sustain your child through the worst "hell" they may experience.
Adam
May 16, 2007
Bully, Repeat, Bully, Repeat, Bully, Repeat
I was bullied a fair amount when I was a child. As I think back over the years I think that i see a pattern. I'm 42 now and being bullied at ages 9 or 12 was a long time ago. That said, I think that Bullies tend to elicit the same behaviors over and over, because they enjoy the same response in their victim.
A group of older boys and girls would corner me when they saw me on the street and tell me say, "Adam, you are a jail bird. We are going to send you to jail." I would end up in tears by the time it was all done. They thought it was funny.
Have you ever teased the family cat? Or perhaps your cat likes to fight with you. Maybe you wiggle your fingers around in front of the cat's face and it attacks your hand. It's fun, so you wiggle your hands the same way each time hoping for the same response from the cat. The more you get the response you want and as long as that response is enjoyable, you feel a stronger motivation to repeat the behavior.
Ever get bullied? It's like you are like the cat in a way. The goofy thing is that your tormentors aren't bright enough to think through anything new or creative. Instead they expend their energies on the same behaviors that give them the response that they enjoy.
If you are getting bullied, it is important that you write down everything you remember about getting bullied. Look for a pattern of behavior that repeats itself. Look for location, environment, external events, personal roles present, time/event . . . see if you can identify what bullying events have in common. I think that you will see a number of things that are the same over and over.
If you can identify that and then document it in a journal, PowerPoint or even scrap paper, you will be in a position to gain power over the situation.
My disclaimer is that when I was getting bullied, I never followed this advice. The bullies had dominion and control over me. As an adult, having studied process improvement and quality management techniques, I'm starting to get some ideas. So, I have no personal success stories, but I think my ideas are based on universal techniques.
Let me know what you think.
Adam
A group of older boys and girls would corner me when they saw me on the street and tell me say, "Adam, you are a jail bird. We are going to send you to jail." I would end up in tears by the time it was all done. They thought it was funny.
Have you ever teased the family cat? Or perhaps your cat likes to fight with you. Maybe you wiggle your fingers around in front of the cat's face and it attacks your hand. It's fun, so you wiggle your hands the same way each time hoping for the same response from the cat. The more you get the response you want and as long as that response is enjoyable, you feel a stronger motivation to repeat the behavior.
Ever get bullied? It's like you are like the cat in a way. The goofy thing is that your tormentors aren't bright enough to think through anything new or creative. Instead they expend their energies on the same behaviors that give them the response that they enjoy.
If you are getting bullied, it is important that you write down everything you remember about getting bullied. Look for a pattern of behavior that repeats itself. Look for location, environment, external events, personal roles present, time/event . . . see if you can identify what bullying events have in common. I think that you will see a number of things that are the same over and over.
If you can identify that and then document it in a journal, PowerPoint or even scrap paper, you will be in a position to gain power over the situation.
My disclaimer is that when I was getting bullied, I never followed this advice. The bullies had dominion and control over me. As an adult, having studied process improvement and quality management techniques, I'm starting to get some ideas. So, I have no personal success stories, but I think my ideas are based on universal techniques.
Let me know what you think.
Adam
May 10, 2007
Bullies
I've been trying to think of how I would handles bullies if I could do it all over again.
A parent was asking me how his child should deal with bullies. I was at a loss in a way, but then I had some ideas on the way home.
A bully is an abuser, just like a man who beats his wife or a guy stalking a single woman. There are patterns of behavior that can be isolated and examined. I believe that his process will work for most any age (with modifications).
Let's start out in the bully's mind. What are the bully's general objective. I believe that there are three:
Isolate (this is key)
Dominate
Control
The bully must remove you from any kind of support system (isolate) so that they can seem more powerful than you (dominate), and then determine you actions (control). This gives them a sense of being powerful, when actually they are pathetic and deserve your mercy. If you really could find out everything about the bully, you might find that they are bullied by their parents or something.
That doesn't matter right away though. What matters at first is making it stop.
Here's what came to my mind:
1. Identify and categorize
When you have interactions with a bully they probably happen the same way every time or maybe there are two or three different scenarios that take place. Think about it. Right down or talk through what happens when you are bullied. Treat it like it is a play or movie.
Scene 1: Where does it take place. Who is there. What do they say. What do they do with their bodies and tone of voice. What do you do and say? Go for as much detail as you can.
Is there a scene 2 or 3? Do the same.
Now you are no longer isolated with the monster. Now the vague amorphous blob of bullying has been reduced down to the repetitive behavior that it is. It doesn't mean you've solved it, but it means that you can realise that you don't have 1,000 problems to solve, but the same problem over and over again. The bully is thriving because he provides you with a stimulus and gets the same response. It's like when you tease the cat, the cat reacts, you laugh. It's funny to you, so you do it again. You don't do something different. You want the same reaction out of the cat, so you do the same thing again, and it's funny again.
The same holds true for bullying.
Most children could do this with assistance and guidance.
2. Own The Event
Use a video camera or make it into a play or reader theatre, and act it out. Your child must play the part of the victim and the bully. They should do it convincingly. I think this is called role playing. Obviously a teen or young adult will feel silly acting out a play, but they could do a read through. If they are playing the bully's part, they need to match the tone of voice and body language of the bully. They also need to teach you how to match their voice and body language when they are reacting.
It's important that your child make an effort to really play the part. This will help take away the bully's power. It will also help them understand and think through the situation.
3. Brain Storm Alternatives
Talk through different things that they could do. Don't put limits on this discussion, anything goes. If your child is hiding some rage and thoughts of violence, they should talk about it. You then react as if it's no big deal, and you talk about consequences and feelings of everyone. Chances are instead that your child will come up with some good and bad ideas of how they could react differently to the bully.
4. Pick A Solution
Pick one alternative that might work better. There is no right one. Just grab one that might work.
5. Model The Solution
Just like you did before, read through or play act the solution. Talk about how well it would work. How will the bully act? Will this help?
6.Score
Give the child a goal to do the solution three times in a row. If faced by the really bully situation that they have practiced for, and they use the solution they practice, that counts as a point. Three in a row and they get a prize. Then shoot for five in a row.
Each time you do this your child (or you) will internalise one way to break the bully (abusive) cycle.
Let me know if this helps.
When the bully sees that his/her old ways don' t work, the bully is going to try a new approach, so you have to start the process over, and come up with new solutions.
A parent was asking me how his child should deal with bullies. I was at a loss in a way, but then I had some ideas on the way home.
A bully is an abuser, just like a man who beats his wife or a guy stalking a single woman. There are patterns of behavior that can be isolated and examined. I believe that his process will work for most any age (with modifications).
Let's start out in the bully's mind. What are the bully's general objective. I believe that there are three:
Isolate (this is key)
Dominate
Control
The bully must remove you from any kind of support system (isolate) so that they can seem more powerful than you (dominate), and then determine you actions (control). This gives them a sense of being powerful, when actually they are pathetic and deserve your mercy. If you really could find out everything about the bully, you might find that they are bullied by their parents or something.
That doesn't matter right away though. What matters at first is making it stop.
Here's what came to my mind:
- Identify and categorize the event(s)
- Own the event
- Brain storm alternatives
- Pick a solution
- Own the solution
1. Identify and categorize
When you have interactions with a bully they probably happen the same way every time or maybe there are two or three different scenarios that take place. Think about it. Right down or talk through what happens when you are bullied. Treat it like it is a play or movie.
Scene 1: Where does it take place. Who is there. What do they say. What do they do with their bodies and tone of voice. What do you do and say? Go for as much detail as you can.
Is there a scene 2 or 3? Do the same.
Now you are no longer isolated with the monster. Now the vague amorphous blob of bullying has been reduced down to the repetitive behavior that it is. It doesn't mean you've solved it, but it means that you can realise that you don't have 1,000 problems to solve, but the same problem over and over again. The bully is thriving because he provides you with a stimulus and gets the same response. It's like when you tease the cat, the cat reacts, you laugh. It's funny to you, so you do it again. You don't do something different. You want the same reaction out of the cat, so you do the same thing again, and it's funny again.
The same holds true for bullying.
Most children could do this with assistance and guidance.
2. Own The Event
Use a video camera or make it into a play or reader theatre, and act it out. Your child must play the part of the victim and the bully. They should do it convincingly. I think this is called role playing. Obviously a teen or young adult will feel silly acting out a play, but they could do a read through. If they are playing the bully's part, they need to match the tone of voice and body language of the bully. They also need to teach you how to match their voice and body language when they are reacting.
It's important that your child make an effort to really play the part. This will help take away the bully's power. It will also help them understand and think through the situation.
3. Brain Storm Alternatives
Talk through different things that they could do. Don't put limits on this discussion, anything goes. If your child is hiding some rage and thoughts of violence, they should talk about it. You then react as if it's no big deal, and you talk about consequences and feelings of everyone. Chances are instead that your child will come up with some good and bad ideas of how they could react differently to the bully.
4. Pick A Solution
Pick one alternative that might work better. There is no right one. Just grab one that might work.
5. Model The Solution
Just like you did before, read through or play act the solution. Talk about how well it would work. How will the bully act? Will this help?
6.Score
Give the child a goal to do the solution three times in a row. If faced by the really bully situation that they have practiced for, and they use the solution they practice, that counts as a point. Three in a row and they get a prize. Then shoot for five in a row.
Each time you do this your child (or you) will internalise one way to break the bully (abusive) cycle.
Let me know if this helps.
When the bully sees that his/her old ways don' t work, the bully is going to try a new approach, so you have to start the process over, and come up with new solutions.
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