Sep 11, 2011

Eye to Eye

Often we Aspies have difficulty making eye contact, knowing when to and when not to stair.  I have developed a routine when in casual conversation, so that the other party does field uncomfortable or that I’m doing something unexpected.

The Eye Count:  While I’m talking I count: eyes, 2, 3, 4 / mouth 2, 3, 4 / elsewhere 2, 3, 4 then I start over.  I throw in a forehead every so often.  What happens is that I look the person in the eye for four seconds then I look at their mouth for four seconds, then somewhere else for four seconds then I start the cycle over.  This approximates what a typical person does without thinking.

If I five nonstop eye contact the person feels like they are being “drilled”.  It’s too intense.  I used to just watch people’s mouths the whole time so that it was easier to understand what they were saying and that made some uncomfortable.  The gaze of neurotypical folks naturally drifts around as they talk and they just don’t realize it. 

Once you get in the habit of doing the Eye Count it will become an internalized process that won’t take as much conscious thought.  Then it’s time to move on to Advanced Eye Count.  While you are counting you listen for verbal cues to change what you are doing.

“My boyfriend broke up with me” or some other sad or happy revelation means you look near some one’s eyes and do a facial expression of sympathy.  Most women will want eye contact at the points in the conversation when they reveal something of emotional importance.  Men also, but if you are having casual conversation with guys, you can get away with very little eye contact.  Just look some where, anywhere, and ask questions about football or something.  When they say, Hey guess what or I have to tell you something, then you give eye contact to initiate the next step in the conversation, but it usually doesn’t have to be long.

UNLESS, you are in a confrontation, then you give non stop unwavering eye contact.

Ultimately, you can develop a routing way of using your eyes when speaking that will be pleasing to the neurotypical and manageable for you.

When you are with your spouse or close friends then you can relax a little and not be so disciplined about you eyes.

Sep 9, 2011

There Is Hope (Remembering 9/11)

Fires burn
Countless mourn
We realize we are but dust
As walls collapse
Our strength fails and
Hope fades
What super power can bring it back?

Fear grows
Countless hide
We realize we are under attack
As soldiers move out
Our sense of safety dies
Souls ache
What weapon can defeat this terror?

No need to fear when you’re cradled in the hand
Of the one who spread the stars in space
When time and earth began
There is hope in the one who holds the keys
To life and death, heaven and hell
King of eternity

No need to fear, for weapons cannot steal
The life bestowed by Jesus blood
Eternity with Him
There is hope in the life beyond the grave
Eternal joy, forever peace
Secure in eternity

(c)2011 Adam M. Parmenter – Creative Commons  http://www.archive.org/details/ThereIsHope_624

There is Hope (Remembering 9/11)

Fires burn

Countless mourn

We realize we are but dust

As walls collapse

Our strength fails and

Hope fades

What super power can bring it back?



Fear grows

Countless hide

We realize we are under attack

As soldiers move out

Our sense of safety dies

Souls ache

What weapon can defeat this terror?



No need to fear when you’re cradled in the hand

Of the one who spread the stars in space

When time and earth began

There is hope in the one who holds the keys

To life and death, heaven and hell

King of eternity



No need to fear, for weapons cannot steal

The life bestowed by Jesus blood

Eternity with Him

There is hope in the life beyond the grave

Eternal joy, forever peace

Secure in eternity

Sep 1, 2011

Grief Expressed as Anger

In June of last year, I left my quest to be a missionary, and got a contract as a tech writer.  I was told it would be 6 to 18 months, and that they really, really wanted to hire me.  Then a little church asked me to be their pastor.  About 30 people.  They couldn’t really afford to pay me anything much, but I didn’t care.

So, I would work 40 hours and spend time outside of work prepping to lead singing and preach.  It was draining, but such a great joy to teach and care for these folks.

Then in December, with no warning, the contract ended.  I’ve been jobless for eight months.  Since June, when I started keeping track again, I’ve applied for 75 jobs.

Today, I spent some time taking care of things at church, and came home furious.  It took me hours to figure out that I was feeling grief.  Baring a miracle, I will have to leave the church when I finally find a job.  I’ve been there over a year, and have grown to care for these folks.

No tears though, just fury.  It helps if when I figure out what it is, because then I don’t feel quite so angry.  My wife is cool with it if I explain it to here.  My wife is the coolest neuro-typical I’ve ever met.

The last time I cried, other than during times of worship, was two years ago when my mother died.  Intense times of worshiping God lead me to tears when I have a sense of His mercy and holiness.  But those tears are not about grief necessarily.

Adam