What do you really believe?

What is the meaning of life?  What is my purpose in life?  We ask that question, often not in those words, but we ask it.  We usually don't think about it too hard and just try to stay busy or spend more time online hoping the answer will show up in our e-mail box.  But, meaning doesn't come out of activity.  It comes from closely held beliefs that I have about life and God.

My faith is the foundation of who I am.  My beliefs shape my identity.  My beliefs and identify will give me a sense of my purpose in life.  If I choose my actions to fulfill my purpose then I will pursue that purpose with passion, creativity and tenacity.

Often, I ignore beliefs, identity and purpose and try to look for things to fix me.  Especially as Aspies we are often on a constant hunt for the latest “intervention” that will help us… you name it.

Some of us want to feel or at least seem more normal.  Others of us just want to know the key to better relationships or getting the best jobs or dealing with sensory overload.  Those are all good things to work on, but we spend so much time dealing with the symptoms of our lives that we don’t ever deal with the causes of many symptoms.

If we ignore what it is that shapes us, then it will continue to shape us, regardless of how many treatments or interventions we choose.

If I believe that the only worth while people are normal people, and that Aspies are defective, then I will identify myself as an individual that is fundamentally flawed.  It’s very likely that my purpose will include fixing myself so that I can be or at least feel normal.  I will relentlessly pursue normality, which doesn’t exists, and never attain it.

If I believe that everyone is uniquely created by God and as such reflect something of their creator.  I will identify myself as special, because my creator God is very special.  Being different will not bear the mark of error, but the mark of uniqueness.  I’ll also see the skills I have as gifts and my potential as being open to development.  How my purpose develops will also be far more open as I will tend to see myself as having potential.

So, what are the fundamental beliefs that are at the core of who you are, and how are they being lived out in your life?

Adam

A Ship Without a Rudder? (#Aspies #Aspie #Change)

Everyone believes and their beliefs give their life "direction".  In other words, my closely held beliefs and values influence what I do and how I respond.  While you might be a "non-religious" person, you still have a set of values by which you measure and direct your conduct and which influence your perspective.  This is true even if you never think about your beliefs and values.

As Aspies we often chase after every new technique and treatment or our parents do.  As adult Aspies we work to understand ourselves (hopefully) and live productive lives.  These things are all good, but a ship without a rudder may only reach a destination by chance wind current.  When I live my life without understanding my own beliefs and values then I'm like a ship without a rudder.  That ship must go in whatever direction the wind and sea currents drive it.  You may get closer to your destination only to get blown back the opposite way.

If I lack a moral "rudder" in my life then I may face difficulty gaining the life I wish.  Most of my circumstances are beyond my control, and they will change often without prior notice.  As such without a moral rudder then my circumstances can result in a feeling of powerlessness and lack of direction.  In another sense, if I'm not aware of my closest held beliefs and values, then I may not only lack a rudder, I might even lack a destination. 

How many of us Aspies look at ourselves and judge our worth or our level of success based on the neurotypical culture around us.  A culture, by the way, which is constantly changing and differs depending on the group in which you are.  The expectations of the neurotypical world system can vary even from person to person. I can never judge myself based on the chaotic expectations of others. 

I do judge myself though.  Everyone does.  After an event, or at the end of the day or even after a conversation.  I think we Aspies do this more than most, because we analyze back through the day and try to decide if we understood and followed all the social rules. 

What if you had a separate set of rules.  Unchanging rules that guided you through any circumstance at any time.  When you judged yourself, what if you judged yourself against principals that had universal merit.  Then you value and worth wouldn't change and your sense of success or failure will not change based on the shifting culture around you.  Your destination would be to most closely live out your beliefs and values.

That is what is getting me through all the many difficult changes I'm facing these days.  Getting laid off of jobs twice, changing careers.... all this change at once is tough enough.  As an Aspie it is really difficult.  Even as my circumstances constantly changes, my beliefs and values are like a strong rudder that gives me a direction, helps me make choices, and helps me asses my behavior.

What guides you in your life?

Speaking at a Conference Near You?

You know about two years ago, I got opportunities to speak on Asperger Syndrome at some conferences and meetings. About four different times. The smallest group was about ten adults, the largest group was closer to 150.

Leading up to each event, I would get all worked up, wondering why I had agreed to this. I would try to document every word I was going to say, but toss each script. In the end I had either some well documented notes or a few scraps of paper.

As I was sitting and waiting to go on, I could feel something in me switch on: like an engine warming up. Then I would step behind the podium, and that something would click, and as if out of nowhere I would have all this stuff to say.

In the last year or so, I've been speaking quite a bit at churches. Different topic. I started to document my presentation less. I've noticed that I work best with a broad outline on paper and then some good ideas in my head. The presentation, sermon, or speech begins to do itself in my head over and over in the days leading up to the event.

When I get up to speak, the sermon, presentation or speech sort of makes itself, and I sit and watch. It's always very visual. I can see and hear what I'm talking about.

I don't know if I'm that good of a public speaker, but it's a remarkable experience. I have noticed that audience reaction to my Asperger presentations is one of enlightenment and hope. That's really cool. Honestly, there's a lot of hope in this world, we just can't see it for what it is.

I'm not scheduled at any more Asperger conferences, but I'd be happy to speak at some more.

But, the point of this blog entry is that I'm wondering if there are other Aspies that have an intuitive ability. It could be music, speaking, drawing . . . something which just sort of gushes out from an unseen place. Maybe as parents of Aspies we can benefit our children, but gently encouraging and feeding that gift, even if the gift doesn't seem to fit our expectation of something with good career prospects.

When I was five, who would have thought that my talking too much could turn into a career, at best, or at least a side job. But as a 43 year old unemployed Technical Writer, I'm sitting here thinking that writing is not my strongest skill. Speaking to and motivating groups is. I don't know how to turn that into any kind of temporary income, but I'm wiser to keep it in mind.

Adam

Durable Pets, Weighted Vests, and Trampolines

I saw Jerry Newport speak once. He has a great book called You Are Not A Label. In his presentation he talks a lot about getting durable pets for people in the Autism Spectrum. He means a dog or some pet that can endure/enjoy being hugged and squeezed.

I don't remember if he discusses the background behind why that might help, or if he helps people decide what will help their child. I wonder how many parents and care givers are stuck in the "fix my child" mode, without coming to terms with what they are trying to accomplish? I wonder how many people misunderstood Jerry's point and ran out to buy a dog for their child.

Others are trying to find out if I've tried weighted vests or if I've bought a trampoline yet.

If I were to pose the question of, what values are behind your decision to purchase a dog or trampoline, the person might reply with, "I'm just trying to help my child!"

That response or one like it is unacceptable anywhere else you know.

At a restaurant,
Waiter: May I take your order?
Diner: I want dinner. That's all I want.
Waiter: Please, be more specific about what it is you want for your meal.
Diner: "I just want dinner!"

With a realtor,
Realtor: What are you looking for in a home?
Home Buyer: Look, I just am trying to find a home o.k.? Just get me a home I can buy!"

Auto Mechanic: What specifically seems to be wrong with your car?
Customer: "Look, I just want to fix my car!"

My wife and I have considered numerous treatments and therapies for our children and have taken advantage of very few. Our primary intervention has been at home, and what we teach them about our faith and values (identity). What treatments or therapies we choose are based on thoughtful consideration. What we choose would be different based on our child's age, but at the fore front of our thinking is our child as a person, and what will enrich his/her life as a person (identity).

Just a thought.

One final note. I am going to buy leg weights this weekend. I plan on wearing them all day. It may help me feel more grounded as the weights will trigger nerve endings in the joints. If you can come to the Aspies Inc. coffee 20-June-2007 I'll let you know how it is working. I have been doing some other exercises and notice some small improvement in tension. ''

Later,

Adam

Do Aspies Need Faith?

O.K., here's what I hear when parents and care givers get together:

Have you tried vitamins?
I hear vestibular stimulation can cure some!
Have you tried rolling on a medicine ball?
You should send your child for chelation!

Upon receiving the diagnosis parents and care givers switch into panic mode, and jump at things to cure or nearly cure their children. At worst they are engaging in action without direction. At best they are engaging in action that has short sited direction.

Unless our plans/actions are based on some kind of purpose and values we are going to be often frustrated and may even harmful. This might irk a parent or care giver who could respond by saying, "I just want what's best for my child!"

I would say something nice, but inside I would think, "No, you are trying to fix your kid. You are panicked that your child is disabled, and you can't deal with it." So, like all good Americans we just do more, instead of going back to the values position of our live's before planing what to do.

If you saw my talk on Four Square Life Planning you'll know what I'm getting at.

This is especially important for Aspies and others whose disabilities tend toward impulsiveness. Please read this very carefully: My faith and my identity (translation: values) saved my life. They were the reason I never committed suicide.

So, you've just received a diagnosis of Asperger or ADD or OCD or you-name-it, and you are panicked. You might not call it panic, but it is (at least a little). You may also feel anger. Those are normal reactions. Panic and anger are secondary emotions. They typically mask other more troubling feelings such as helplessness and guilt. Panic and anger will shift and change over time and they are looking for a quick fix. If you follow them, you will be looking for a quick fix.

What your Aspie child needs is for you to help them form a solid foundation in their lives that they can rely on for every decision. They need to be able to turn to something in every situation. So, what are they learning?

If things aren't working do more things to fix it.

That's what we do in America. What ultimately saved me is a solid faith/values framework in my mind that created important boundaries and guides to my actions and direction. I messed up a lot in life, but never completely violated the guiding principals that my parents instilled in me as a youth.

What do people with Asperger need? All the different therapies are good, but more than that we Aspies need a framework in which to live our lives. We need that structure so that we can understand what is right, wrong and preferential. We need a framework to guide our thinking so that we can make decisions about what is a valuable direction for our lives and what is not.

The principals on which I've based my life have changed very little. Often I have done a poor job of living by them, but they have gravity like the sun and pull me back toward them. How? I believe them to be true, and they were deeply embedded in me as a child.

The Bible says, "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." A closer examination of the original language reveals that the passage is not saying that the child won't violate or ignore the way he/she was trained, but the child will never depart from it. Regardless of what decisions I've made in life, the principals instilled in me as a child have never left me, and have drawn me toward them.

My parents began instilling these principals in me from the moment they could talk to me. At the age of four I made a faith decision to be a follower of Christ. I'm an Aspie, I probably could have done it age three.

I'm not sure how to end this one.

Maybe this. It is important to understand Asperger Syndrome and the various therapies that will help your child, but far more important is to understand your own faith and values and to clarify those or teach those to your child. If your child is old enough then the exercise is to help your child clarify them for himself/herself.

Faith and values will outlast any therapies and will sustain your child through the worst "hell" they may experience.

Adam