What do I do for my child?

Here is a question from an anonymous reader:

"I have a 8 year old son who has apergers. I am trying to avoid any anxiety in school years. Please give me some advise on helping him through. You mentioned that Christian High School was your salvation. Why? I would appreciate any suggestions on making friendships, school easier. Thanks."

Here is my disclaimer: I am not a trained clinician. Everything in this blog is just the uninformed opinion of an Aspie guy from Kalamazoo, MI.

I'd like to focus on one specific part of your question: "I am trying to avoid any anxiety in school years."

Take a step back and ask yourself, what are the points that cause my child anxiety? What I think is that there are two core sources of anxiety:
1. Sensory integration / sensory defensiveness
2. Social/Emotional awareness

To me dealing with the sensory issues will bring about so much relief. I'm just learning about that and realising that I'm under so much stress, frustration, and revulsion from sensory input that most people have no trouble dealing with. I must be one tough dude to be distressed this much of the time and still be fairly well balanced.

For the Asperger/Autism person, the world is a chaos of sensory input and they need help feeling grounded and calm. I just started reading a book called Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight: What to Do If You Are Sensory Defensive in an Overstimulating World. So far I like it a lot, because the author is explaining what happens in the brain, and how (from a brain chemistry perspective) the exercises she recommends help.

I think that for an eight year old the most important thing is to get some Occupational Therapy (OT)services if you can afford it or insurance covers it. Ask the OT if he/she is familiar with a technique called the "Wilbarger Brushing Protocol". A brief explanation of the technique is at this link. I have not had experience with the technique, but would vouch that deep pressure has helped me.

I sleep under a heavy blanket, and if I could get away with it at work, a weighted vest would be nice. Bike riding, rocking back and forth to music, and stretching are also helpful.

I think that you should also give diet some serious consideration. I think my changes in diet have helped me in various ways. A good place to start in learning about diet is a dull book called Special Diets for Special Kids. My wife owns it, has read it twice, and refers to it with some regularity. There is a sequel to Special Diets for Special Kids, Two, but I don't know what is different about it.

All of the book titles in this blogs are links directly to the books at Amazon.com. If you can't afford to purchase books, check with your local library to see if they have a process for you to request books. The Kalamazoo library has bought all of the books that I have requested (five so far).

This is a place to start. Start there, and let me know how it is going, what you are learning, what works and what doesn't.

In the mean time, start establishing some clear routines for your child. He/she may take some comfort in that. Also, look for an interest or skill at which they can excel and enjoy. It not only helps them with managing emotions, but it will give them a vehicle with which to enter social situations. My son plays trumpet quite well, and it has helped him build relationships in band. My daughter like to run, do crafts, and art.

Don't drive your child, but encourage their passions, and let them excel in an area that appeals to them. Not much money? Look for grants. We got a grant to help pay for trumpet lessons.

Adam

Stranger Than Fiction

My wife and I were about 20 min. into Stranger Than Fiction (Will Farrell, Emma Thompson, Robert DeNiro), and I turned to Marge and said, "This guy is an Aspie!" He counted everything, timed his days, all these charts and visuals where in his head, his coworkers asked him math problems that he did quickly in his head, and He had no idea how to ask a woman out on a date.

He didn't display any self stimming or ritual behavior so I don't suppose he could completely qualify, but he did have the zero affectation and obvious lack of emotional intelligence. It was fun to watch.

For me the most fun was him talking out loud to the person narrating his life. I thought that was hysterical. The sad thing is that, like most movies, boy meets girl, boy has sex with girl (because they like each other), boy and girl fall in love. According to the movies, television and popular culture, that is what is normal.

I suppose it is normal, but it isn't healthy, and it's not the right thing to do. Humans were designed by God to be monogamous, and to mate for life. The damage done by our promiscuous society is evident around us. Sexually transmitted diseases are only one small, but not minor, consequence. The family as a unit of society has degraded, and as a result society has suffered.

On the contrary, men and women who wait until they are married are seen as prudish and mentally repressed (at least in movies). I have seen exactly the opposite over and over again. I've seen couple after couple who waited until marriage, and go on to live very happily.

So, what does this have to do with Asperger? Well as much as I enjoyed the movie, it's a shame that part of the main characters "salvation" included the immoral behavior. The movie displayed his inner moral strength. That was a key to the movie's plot. What made him odd (or possibly Aspie) also was the key to his quiet dedication to doing what was right.

The main character is an IRS auditor. One of his coworkers jokes about busting a tax payer for evasion. The main character on the other hand never uses bravado or condescends to those he investigates. He has a gentleness and quietness about him. The same thing that makes him odd, is also what makes him a good person. It's too bad that he couldn't have risen to a new level of moral purity and found romance and love while pursuing sexual purity.

Oh, that's right, sin sells movie tickets.

I forgot. How Aspie of me.

Adam

Finding My Voice

I've found my voice, I think. It's been developing for some time, and It's been integrating into who I am over the last three years or so, but maybe even in the last year, I've fully come into who I am.

What is voice? I'm sure there are text books and paper backs full of discussion. I've taken some English courses in which the text book spends several chapters discussing exactly what communication is. I always liked that, but almost found it a little silly that some one would have to explain it. I always thought, "Can't we just do it instead of reading about it?"

At the same time I used to feel a sense of derision when an individual would speak of "looking" for themselves or say "I'm trying to find myself". It just seemed like so much fluffy mumbo jumbo. Or I remember in the Seventies, the middle aged father of four that would suddenly buy a Corvette, start leaving his shirt unbuttoned and wear lots of medallions. I think that's when mid-life crisis was coined as a term. I remember thinking, in the old days people didn't go through mid-life crisis, because they were to busy trying to survive. I used to really be afraid of mid-life crisis, because I wanted to always be a kind and faithful husband.

Well this isn't a mid-life crisis. Thankfully, because I can't afford to purchase a Yugo let alone a Corvette. My wife faithfully drives me to work each day and picks me up each night until it's warm enough for me to ride back and forth to work on my bicycle. I also think I should take back all my negative thoughts about "finding yourself", because obviously in finding my voice, I have found the means to know myself, and as a consequence know God and others around me in far deeper, richer, and satisfying way.

So what is voice? Well, I'm writing this part first, and haven't read anybody else's work on the topic. This all started as me being engaged to speak at a church academy series, and the title was provided for me.

My personal definition of voice is this:
The ability to express in either concrete or symbolic terms one's inner person, namely one's emotions, big ideas, reactions to the world around, and closely held beliefs. I have effectively "found" my voice when I can express myself to you in a way that is meaningful to us both, and allows you to reflect back to me using your own voice.

It what people mean when they say some one is expressing themselves. They are taking part of their inner person and hading it over to an person so that the other person can receive it, handle it and reflect it back to them. It involves an interaction between two.

The interaction might not be face-to-face even, but might be through the printed page. I'm convinced though that voice must involve some kind of revelation of the inner person and be received by at least one other person. I suppose a diary is the beginnings of that.

Good thing this is a blog and not a book that you've just purchased from a bookstore as I imagine I'll be thrashing ideas about in her for a while. I hope you enjoy it. Please jump in with any comments that you may have.

Upcomming Topics

I sort of fell of the writing band wagon for a week.

Below are some ideas that are bouncing around in my head. Let me know if you have any questions, ideas or comments in general. Also, if you would like me to post your experiences or comments as a "guest" writer I would be willing to consider them. Please send them to adam@parmenterclan.com.

Here is what I'm going to try writing about next:

Movie: Stranger Than Fiction. This guy has to be an Aspie. Why can't they wait until they're married.

Finding My Voice part II or III or who knows

SCHOOL EXPERIENCES

• First Grade - How Was Your Trip? (The angry Mrs Clark, "Put him in special ed")
• Second Grade - Spelling backwards and the frost method
• Third Grade - Ms Paul - Pushing too hard on my pencil, failing advanced math because I was certain I would
• Fourth Grade - Mr. Obrian - I almost never completed a homework assignment
• Middle School - Becoming a loner, getting bullied for the first time
• Junior High - School is a special kind of hell
• Highschool - Grace Christian School. My salvation.
• College years - Lost and wandering

Monk

I've been watching the detective/situation comedy show "Monk". At first I didn't find it funny, because it seemed to fit my world too closely. Actually Monk also reminded me of an extreme example of my son.

O.K. me too.

The difference is that Monk does all his OCD stuff. I do it in my head. I notice little things, and choose to just let them go.

I used to think that I didn't have enough self control. Stuff like that makes me realise that I've got lots of it. I crave order and the world around me seems to be wildly chaotic. There times when I am quite peaceful, but often I other must impose order upon the world around me or simply live with the chaos.

We Aspies need to understand that because of the way we are designed, much of the world around us will be annoying or excruciating and that we can only fix some of it. If we can't make our environment suite our needs we need to employ our mind to overcome the need.

It's taken me a long time to figure out how to do that, and I'm not sure how to explain it yet. Part of it has to do with the sense of being separate from my body. I've heard other Aspies speak of their brains as if it were separate from themselves. I often have that sense. Often feel as if I am a passenger in my body. I think that sensation has a neurological component that is part of sensory integration disorder.

I have "leveraged" that sensation that the "me" part of Adam is separate from the "body/brain" part of Adam, and learned how to step away from my brain. I call it filtering. I remove me from the part of my brain that is in anguish. Sense it is at arms length, I can endure it. For extreme situations it takes a great deal of discipline and energy, and sometimes it doesn't work.

It's an important skill that has helped me survive and grow.

Adam

Adam

Crunch Attack!

I was sitting at work trying to stay focused when the person in an ajoining cubicle starting loudly crunching celery or something. They were loud open mouth crunching down onto the celery stalk. There is a rush of high frequency pulse that are the crunching of the celery. That sound also reflects off of the inside of the mouth like when you talk into a tin can, but it changes frequency and tone as the shape of the mouth changes. I didn't see the celery. I can only guess that is what it was.

It was like shooting needle like daggers through my brain and chest. I felt physical pain.

You know, I think since I went cold Turkey and cut out Gluten, Dairy, and a few other things I've been more alert. That's good. On the flips side my senses seem like they've cranked up a notch. I've also never heard any one crunch that loud. That was yesterday.

Today it was wheat crackers. The crunching wasn't so bad as the sound of some one eating wheat crackers with their mouth open. Accompanied by smacking sounds. I tried to endure, but I finally had to rush out of the building and find my hiding place. I sat down and put my head in my hands and rocked back and forth. Even after I was "over it" my chest still hurt. It was like being under attack.

I have a pair of earplugs that I wear when I mow the lawn, the cut the volume of a sound, but I used to wear earplugs when I was a furnace duct cleaner. I could wear the earplugs while the loud machinery was running and still carry on a conversation.

Sound isolating headphone are not covered by insurance.

When I got home it made me appreciate my wife even more. At her loudest she doesn't crunch and smack like that. I can never tell this other person that I'm appalled at his lack of manners. I'm just shocked that an educated individual would still eat with their mouth open.

Don't I sound like an Aspie. I feel it 100% today.

Read Light! Green Light!

I finally admitted to my wife recently that the color of traffic lights holds no special meaning for me. I know that it means STOP, but to me it's just red. If the red light had the word STOP in it that would make more sense. I've actually seen a traffic light (long time ago), that had the word STOP in small black letters printed on the lense. When the red lense lit up, it not only was red, it said STOP.

Most of the world sees that little red light as meaning STOP, but to me it's just a red light. Maybe I already said that. So, I have to remind myself "Red means STOP", when I come to a stop sign. It's usually second nature, but often enough I'll be talking to my wife while I'm driving, and she'll say, "It's red honey".

The other drivers in Michigan (and other parts of the U.S.) owe my wife a debt of gratitude I suppose. I don't get nearly as distracted when I'm by myself. O.K. there have been occasions that I've gone careening through a stop sign or traffic light.

It's inconvenient, but I actually enjoy that Marge and I only have one vehicle. Then, when it's warm enough, I just ride my bike to work. Much simpler. I also enjoyed taking rapid transit to work when I lived in the Chicago area.

I am NOT a National Emergency

It still bugs me that the National Autism Association (NAA) is calling for the CDC to declare Autsim a national emergency. What are the implications of a national emergency? Rates of diagnosis have jumped, I grant you. What isn't being discussed is any assessmnet of unreported or undiagnosed cases. Asperger Syndrome was largely undiagnosed until recently. I was never diagnosed. I got no real special services as a child. I just struggled through. I new other nerdy people like me who loved books and didn't fit in to the popular mainstream. None of us were diagnosed.

Now I am a parent, and I didn't expect my children to just muddle through nor did I assume that my child's struggles were just part of his personality. My wife and I studied and searched and consulted our physician. Our searches led us to Asperger Syndrome (AS). NAA needs to do some kind of assessment of how many of the newly diagnosed children have parents with Asperger or a subset of the Asperger symptomology.

Better to dianose a child at age four, so that child can devote a large bulk of time to sensory integration training, social skills training and other assistance. They will have to adopt a special diet that eliminates foods to which they are intollerant. However as that child makes his/her way through school, they will have an easier and much more typical experience.

Don't you wonder how many of the geeks, freeks and nerds who sat on the periphery of the popular culture as loners . . . how many of them are Aspies?

Doesn't a national emergency imply an attack on our nation. Isn't a national emergency a threat to our economy, stability, or national security? Early intervention is critical. Advances in intervention is crucial. Elimination is wrong. I have so much to offer, because I am an Aspie. Great care must be taken not to eliminate our unique culture in the name of curing our dysfunctions or delayed abilities.

Poke Those Babies?

I had to work late on Wednesday, and when I got home my wife was warming up some potatoes in the microwave. The microwave timer said "beep beep", and my wife handed m a fork and said, "Poke those babies and see if they're done."

It made feel a little ill to think of poking this little babies with a fork. There were about four of them in the dish, and I could hear them all crying in their little diapers. It was a bizarre image.

I felt bad for them, but I ate them anyway. Maybe I shouldn't had.

Don't I sound certifiably insane? I hear this sort of thing from my daughter all the time. It is the Aspie brain's concrete way of navigating the world. There are certain books that are sacred to me, and I've thought of them as friends at times. My son said the same thing the other day. We understand that objects are not people, but there is a sense of . . . I don't understand it.

I feel badly for my wife. She is thrust into the Aspie weirdness every day. She is a saint.

Adam

Is That Part of Asperger?

The Isabella character in Mozart and the Whale said that she said things as they came into her mind, and that she said things to shock people. She made it sound like that was part of Asperger.

I thought it was just my personality. I find that I have to constantly work at not saying the most shocking thing I can think. As I become more confident and comfortable I still work at it, but after a while I start loosening up.

For example, today I made some vanilla flavored coffee, and the delicious aroma wafted throughout our work area. My boss came over and said, what is that delicious smell that is filling our area. I looked at him and in all seriousness said, "Well, actually I have body odor today."

No one who wants to keep their job should ever say that, but it sure was funny. In a paper for Autism Independent, Digby Tantam wrote referred to something called 'pathological demand avoidance'. It speaks of a behavior that disrupts a social situation before that environment can
place expectations upon the individual. So, Donald told Isabella to be on her best behavior that evening because his boss was coming home with him for dinner. If pathological demand avoidance is a real thing, then without realising it Isabella feels compelled to disrupt dinner that evening rather than having to face the vague and troubling expectation of "best".

I understand. When I am in new and troubling situations numerous outrageous behaviors go through my head. Ever seen comedian Robin Williams when he is really in the groove? It's kinda like that. As long as you keep people off balance no one can ever look at you disapprovingly. At the same time I have this vague sensation that there is something hidden that I don't know about that will warrant the disapproval of the person with whom I dealing.

I work really hard, and am largely successful, at keep my mouth shut and just hanging in there until I chill out. For example when I spent the day with a Czech missionary on his layover in Newark, I was really worked up. Not just a new person, but a new place (not to mention that I was near New York). The next day I was better.

Does that mean anything for my career goals / desired life's work of missionary service? I don't believe that I should work in a large city as that would be one constant stream of new places. Also, I will work best in small groups/churches. I also need to remember to give myself buffer time to adjust to new places. It's not always possible to have a chill day in a new place, but it will certainly help me.

My Favorite Line from Mozart and the Whale

In the Mozart and the Whale movie, the Donald Mortan character had driven a cab for years even though he scored quite high in college. Isobel had worked it out to get him a job interview in the IT department of a local university hospital (or something).

He did the whole interview looking at the wall, but the hiring manager knew that he was autistic so it was no big deal. The man hired Donald, and asked him why he had been driving a cab since he had such skills and intelligence. Donald's said, I interviewed at IBM and when they asked what my plans where I told them I would probably go to McDonald's and then do some laundry.

I wanted to stand up and shout, "Exactly! No one understand that we never understood the question!" I just wanted to scream at employers who misunderstood my intentions or who couldn't figure out how to explain to me. Why did it take so long to find Pfizer (formerly Pharmacia) which values my work, because of how I think. Now that I know I'm Aspie, I don't hide it. It's progressive enough here that I'm not penalised for revealing who I am. They value the me that I am, and not the me that they expect everyone to be.

Adam

Mozart and the Whale

I went to the library in my home town for a screening of Mozart and the Whale. It's a fictional story based on the real life account of Jerry and Mary Newport. They are both in the Autism Spectrum. I think that they are both Aspies.

Jerry was there to introduce the movie, answer questions, and autograph books. While, the characters in the movie are Donald and Isobel, and it is a fictional account, he mentioned that much of the movie is very true to their lives.

It was painful to watch as I saw much of me in the Donald Morton character. I'm not even close to being that smart. Early in my life, I learned to sublimate Aspie behaviors so that no one would see them. The movie cracked me open so that I couldn't hide. He also reminded me of Michael. I also saw aspects of myself in the edgier, slightly out of control side of the Isobel Sorenson character. The art and music that just sort of erupts out of her brain unbidden. I've sublimated much of those instincts in ways she did not in the movie.

There is a scene in the movie in which Donald informs Isobel that he is bringing his boss home for to have dinner. He asks her to be on her best behavior. That sets her off. It would set me off, but it would all happen inside my head. When Donald arrives home the home is in order and everything is ready, but Isobel proceeds to say all sorts of outrageous things. I became so uncomfortable watching her do this, Donald's reactions, and the bosses look of . . . bemusement(?), that I had to get up and leave. It was overwhelming. It was happening to me (or so it felt).

So often stories are real inside me. A cathartic, and I didn't like the way things were going. So I left the room, and then realised that I was still in a library. Then I felt better. It was like the time worn, honor bound, binding of a hundred great classics called out to me, "We are still here". I could feel the aged roughness of their bindings on my hand as I touched them. Yet I was standing on a balcony overlooking the reference section. I could still feel them. It was like they pressed forward to comfort me. It was as if they were saying, "We are books. All is well." And I felt better.

I walked down one flight to actually see these idealised books, but I wasn't sure where they might be. I still browsed some bindings. I didn't expect to see the Iliad quietly waiting for me on the shelf or Chaucer, or Shakespeare. I have yet to read those things, but they have stood the test of time without significant change. Perhaps one of my idealised friends is an old leather bound family Bible (KJV translation). I imagine that it has been passed down from generation to generation. Births, deaths, and family history have been recorded in the front pages, but more importantly it's innards have been rumpled and work from daily faithful family reading over generations. It is truly a comfort that the faith upon which I have based my life and my future is bound in a book.

The Bible is a book that has stood the test of time, the assault of critics bent on exposing it as a fraud, and the attempt of frauds to twist it to their own ends. It has survived and flourished, because it can be studied, tested, and found true.

Later,

Adam

Obssessive Compulsive?

Many people see Aspie behaviors as OCD, but in my opinion there is a fundamental difference.

I'll say again. This is my own opinion based on my experiences and learning. I don't have a degree in a related field. See your health care provider for proper diagnosis.

O.K. here it is:

An Obsessive behavior is an avoidance behavior. The behavior does not bring pleasure or satisfaction to the individual. It is not done to get or achieve. Instead Obsessive behaviors are done to avoid some typically unrelated thing or feeling. An example is the person who washes their hands over and over. They feel compelled to do it constantly. It doesn't help them feel clean, but by doing it they are able to (for example) avoid their feelings of fear and inability. The young girl takes 5 baths a day. She uses harsh soaps, and just can't get rid of that feeling of being filthy. If she could only feel clean. Is it because she feels dirty or is it because her uncle sexually abused between her ages of 8 and 12? He told her it was her fault. The abuse stopped because he died of a heart attack. I just made those stories as examples. They are extreme, but exemplify what I believe to be the nature of behaviors that can accurately be classified as OCD.

I think of OCD is a mental illness.

I think the Aspie or anyone in the Autism Spectrum (Classic Autism, PDD NOS, etc.) engages in repetitive behaviors for two reasons:

1. To compensate for neural dysfunction
2. To compensate for over or under stimulation.

Firstly, the individual in the Autism Spectrum is experiencing symptoms based on physical malformations in the brain. Most if not all Aspies are dealing with Sensory Integration Dysfunction (see the link). So repetitive movements such as spinning, rocking, jumping, touching or sniffing certain things are compensating for a deficit in the typical function of the brain. The movement can help the Aspie achieve a sense of calm and balance.

Needing to touch or physically experience certain things helps them attain a sense of where they are in relation to their world. These movements can help them feel grounded instead of feeling as if they don't quite exist in the physical world or aren't sure what they are in relation to the physical space around them.

Secondly, the person in the Autism Spectrum may have certain behaviors that help them cope with the world around them. Certain rituals that help them deal with a confusing world instead of having a melt down.

Some of the treatments may be the same at first, but I believe long term treatments should include teaching socially acceptable ways for people in the Autism Spectrum to meet their sensory needs, not look for ways to extinguish all of their behaviors.

Ultimately, the parent or care giver needs to give careful consideration to all aspects of the condition. An individual in the Autism Spectrum may also have OCD issues. It would be a shame to take the short cut and treat both Autistic behaviors and OCD as the same thing.

Adam

Heart Warming Impact

Back in the early 80s there was a Christian record label call Heart Warming Impact. Later they changed the name of the label to Impact (I think).

That doesn't have much to do with this post other than I was about to write to some one about knowing something in my "heart" and how certain things were "hear warming". That really doesn't make complete sense to me.

I know what I mean, but I always want to smile since nothing I think in my mind changes the temperature of my heart organ. Yet, there is a time when I physically feel a sensation of calming sensation. As the song says, ". . . a peaceful easy feeling. That calming reminds me of how I feel when I'm riding my bike and the weather is not too cold, and I have sunglasses, and earplugs in. I'm silently sliding through the warm dark air, and I feel calm. My mind is at rest. I believe it is a change in brain chemistry and heart rate.

That's what happens when I hear something is "heart warming". I learned a new word from my daughter whose sense of logic creates new words. That's because the existing idioms don't make sense to an Aspie. Here word is pleasable. I'm not sure exactly what she means when she says it, but when I have that peaceful easy feeling I think of the word "pleasable".

When I was a kid people in church would say, "God has really laid this on my heart." What they meant was that they had an idea and where assuming God had given the idea. They never said how they had decided that the idea was from God, they just expected that because God had laid it on their heart, that we had to take what they said as authoritative.

Some people will live and die by what God has supposedly laid on their heart. They might say, "God gave me the vision (i.e. dream, expectation, hopes, plans) for this ministry, and I'm not going to go against God's calling on my life."

I've been reading an author by the name of Hugh Ross. He is a scientist and astronomer who seems to have studied into physics as well. Hugh speaks of a testable model. I would like to see people say, I believe that God has given me direction. I have the desire and the skills to do it. I have sought wise counsel from other Christian leaders, and I am praying about it. Then you would answer the what question: What about this seems to be useful to the Lords work? Why do you believe God is directing you to do XX?

So what's on your heart?

This posting isn't a coherent message today. Just Aspie prattling.

Adam

Is This Funny Because I'm Aspie?

Is the joke below funny because I'm an Aspie or is it funny to Neurotypicals too?

-------------------
It was late afternoon near Savannah, Tennessee. Johnny was riding back from a gig in Nashville. He sat with his head against the window of the bus looking bored at the roadside as it passed. A sign in front of a house changed his boredom to curiosity, and he had his driver turn around. The sign said:

“Talking Dog for Sale”

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a yellow Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

“So, what's your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

Johnny is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the singer says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"'Cause he's a liar! He never did any of that stuff!"

------------------

I think that's hysterical.

Adam

Hello. . . Is Anybody In There?

It's quite in here. Inside my brain.

I think that it's the changes to my diet. I've been very careful. On my trip to Newark, NJ I did as best I could at restaurants. Today I've been quite rigorous on sticking with it, accept I accidently had cereal with Barley in it.

Anyway, I noticed how quiet my mind is today. The silence is a little eirie. I'm used to so much more chatter. I suppose I'll have both good and bad days.

I know it's more than diet. Prayer is always a component in comming to a place of peaceful quiet, but I think diet has proved a hinderance to that.

Adam

Newark Airport

It's way too big and too many people. Luckily I had my sunglasses that I could wear in order to cut down on some of the visual intensity of all the white snow blasting through the airplane window. I couldn't find my earplugs, so I had to put up with the mind throbbing resonance of the jet engines. Wow. I would alternate putting a finger in one ear for a while and then put one in another.

I looked out the window and could see the Statue of Liberty in the distance, but then I saw New York, and I started feeling sick to my stomache. Too many people are there, yet from that distance it looked quite small.

I read the "Mysterious Incident of the Dog In The Nighttime" He would curl up, put his hands over his ears and "do moaning" when things go to much to handle. Well the trip from Cincinnati to Newark airport was just a bit much. I got Qdoba to make me a simple lunch of rice and chicken, but the chicken marinade must have had vinegar, because it made me a little nauseated, but not eating wouldn't have been any better. So then as the plane swayed back and forth on approach to Newark, I just closed my window shade and kept my sunglasses on, closed my eyes and breathed deeply. I bought Dramamine for the trip back.

So this whole trip I found that I couldn't look out of the moving airplane or moving shuttle without feeling sick. Infact I just quit even looking out of the plane window. That was new for me. Normally, I enjoy looking out of plane and train windows. I think that it was the added stress of believing God is sending us into full time missions, and flying out to Newark to meet with a missionary.

I kept my sunglass on in the terminal too. Just too many people.

When I got to the hotel I organized things in drawers, and my toiletries in the bathroom so that I could get a sense of goundedness back. By the time the missionary who I was meeting with arrived, I had had two hours to make the transition.

That was critical.

For the way home I took the Dramaine. I had also bought ear plugs. I kept my sunglasses and earplugs on the who flight, and didn't even take the sunglasses off between flights. That all helps.

Adam

Aspie's on the Mission Field?!?

It's a separate blog. My wife, children and I are working toward a life in full time mission work. There have been some that have been thrilled at the news, others that don't get it, and still others that say, "Should you do that with your condition?" The ones that question it are surprisingly few.

That said, I won't do much of the missions stuff here. I'm sure that from time to time there will be overlap. I'm going to overlap today. However, if you want more of the back story go to Journey2Missions and check out the recent posts. (Click this link)

However, the short version is that we are looking at some options for service with ABWE, and have been corresponding with an ABWE missionary from the Czech republic. This lead to a very lengthy phone call, and subsequent plans to meet each other in Newark. There's lots more to that story in the Journey2Missions blog.

So, a week ago, I was sitting wondering if the delay in attending Candidate Seminar had a purpose, and I thought, I should respond to some of those e-mail greetings I got from missionaries in Eastern Europe. Since I have until July, I can spend some time e-mailing and getting to know these guys. Then in July Marge and I can make a final decision.

I was going to trade some e-mails, create a profile on each of the prospective countries and engage due diligence on researching and feeling like I really knew these places. Then I could make a rational, measured assessment of the options.

Well when Pastor Barnes of the Czech said he wanted to speak on the phone, it seemed like a good idea. I didn't see the need. I work best in print, but neurotypicals like tone of voice and other things that I find a little confusing. Pastor Barnes has Vonage, so he could essentially talk as long as he wanted without incurring extra cost.

We talk for a solid two hours last Saturday. By Sunday evening I had made all the necessary arrangements to meet him in Newark, NJ for the afternoon, share a hotel overnight, and then go our separate ways after breakfast. It all seemed good until I went to work Monday morning.

With the typical frustration of adjusting to the transition between weekend and work week, I had had this intense Eastern-European-You-Might-Be-Going-To-The-Czech-Republic thing on Saturday and Sunday. So, I didn't have a propper weekend. I was having a double adjustment.

Then, it also hit me: I'm flying to Newark on Sunday to meet with a missionary from the Czech Republic. It all made sense. If he was going to be in the states and had a day open, much the better to meat him, before making an actual trip there.

But, who just ups and flies off to Newark! Who do I think I am. I hate New York. I hate it. I love the Statue of Liberty although it might have Masonic overtones, and that bothers me. I don't like New York. I'm sure that it's fine as cities go, but it's too big. There are too many people. It's like multilane highway of words and ideas detouring into my head. I can't spend too much time thinking about it.

You see when I think about all those people, then I think that all those people pulsing along the sidewalk, and in vehicles, and the countless people on the train are going somewhere to do something. They all live some where and have loves and hates, and things they do and think about, and it's too much to wonder about. There is this vast call for data, and none there. Busy highways bother me too. How can there always be that many people with somewhere to go and where is it they are going? Can't everyone stay home some times?

Besides who just flies off to Newark to meet a missionary they don't really know!!!! I don't really know this guy, and I'm sharing a hotel room with him. What if he snores quite vigorously or who knows what? I really wish that I could afford those sound isolating head phones.

So, I didn't accomplish as much at work on Monday. I could barely think straight. I did make an itinerary with flight times, hotel (with address and phone). A copy is on my palm pilot, and I'll print a copy to carry. I've never been to any of those airports before.

O.K. Enough. Enough Aspie ranting.

Adam

Servere Form of Autism MAY be Reversable

"Scottish scientists have discovered a way to reverse the symptoms of Rett Syndrome (RS), the most disabling autism spectrum disorder by targetting a gene in mice. Rett Syndrome affects some 10,000 children in the UK (or 1 in every 10,000 to 15,000 children according to the US National Institutes of Health). It is an untreatable neurological disorder that leaves sufferers, who are mostly female, severely disabled. Babies born with RS usually develop normally up to 18 months and then they regress, losing speech and the ability to move easily. They often go on to develop more severe debilitating symptoms such as repetitive movements, seizures and problems with breathing and controlling motor functions.

"Scientists had already suspected that RS was caused by a mutant form of the gene Mecp2, which works by switching other genes on and off. In fact the same scientist that led this latest study, Professor Adrian Bird, was the one who discovered it in 1989. In this latest study however, Professor Bird and his colleagues were able to show that by targetting Mecp2 in mice with RS, even adult mice, they could make the gene work normally and cause reversal in the RS symptoms."

For the full article click on this link.

My untrained opinion is that the Autism Spectrum Disorders may have multiple causes. I'm still convinced that it is primarily genetic. However, diet clearly plays a role and at times a quite dramatic role. Frankly, if I could be rid of some of the most troubling aspects of Asperger I might go ahead with it. Yet, I'm still not sure.

I have the blessing of Asperger. Those who are more classically Autistic have extreme challenges to overcome, and I can fully understand their desire for a cure. I'm still very cautious about talk of a cure. Asperger is who I am. I'm not sure if I can be me without it.

Adam

Kindergarten

My first memory of school was my mother going to meet with the kindergarten teacher. I can't quite remember her name. Mom met with her while I went into the play area. I remember putting something into a toy pay phone just before a school bell rang. I thought I had somehow made the bell ring. I left that day full of gilt.

I don't think that is an Aspie thing.

I remember my first day of kindergarten (1970). I remember standing at the front of the class. Everything was a complete blur. I mean, I couldn't see. My vision was blurry. The next picture in my head is of me sitting on my sisters lap (she was in Mr. Hartzel's fifth grade class).

Here's something odd. Trying to remember things is always troubling. It makes me to try and reach that far back and remember things. I used to think it was because I had a hidden memory of some terrible event. I don't think that any more. I think that it is an Aspie thing. I not that social memories are going to be as confusing as social situations. Also, my ways of understanding are different from that of a child, and my ability to properly "feel" about those memories may be those impaired.

I do remember being somewhat clueless socially even then. I remember bringing a new game I had gotten to show and tell, but remember feeling hurt for some reason. I don't think a really understood what would happen during show and tell, when I would get to show, and how people would react.

I also remember, this one class mate who everyone thought was funny. One day I went to sit down in a chair and he kicked it out from under me. Everyone laughed. I thought, I will do that too, and everyone will laugh. Of course, when I did it I only managed to kick the chair a little bit so that when the person hit the floor their back scraped down the chair. They were hurt and everyone looked at me like I had done something bad.

It didn't seem right that the same actions would elicit two diametrically apposed reactions. No, as a five year old I don't think I thought it in quite those terms, but that's essentially what went through my head.

Clothes Make The Man

I tend to wear the same kinds of clothes most of the time. To me all clothing is a uniform. A uniform has functional use and signifies ones function or role. So, for me to change my clothes, I have to be willing to change into another part of me.

So, on Sundays if I'm digging the church ministry vibe (how's that for slang) I stay in the outfit that I wore to church. Especially if it feels like Sunday. By the same token, I don't want to wear my jeans out to landscape or do lawn work. I put on my "grubbies". Those are my clothing set aside for painting or for lawn work.

I was just thinking of that.

I wonder if that's why some of us Aspies will tend to just go to bed in our clothes. It's the transition. There have been times that I've gone to bed in my clothes and gone right to sleep. Then later, when I wake up at about 3 am (which I do about every night), I change into sleep wear. On those occasions if I would have changed into sleep wear right then, the transition from one me to the Time To Sleep me would have stirred me up a little. I wouldn't be as sleepy then. I don't do that every night.

We are very careful not to let our children sleep in their day clothes, because you can imagine that it could easily become a habit. If I wake up in the morning in my day clothes, I feel very strange. It's as if my sleeping didn't quite count because I never put on sleeping clothes.

Sounds weired huh? It's that whole Aspie thing in which internal things need to be externalized in order to be managed. I'm still coming to understand it.

Please post comments or questions if you would like. I'm curious if any others have had these experiences.

Adam

Highschool

A parent asked me if I ever struggled with home work when I was in high school. I remember one year it seemed like I had lunch time detention almost every day for not getting my homework done. I went to high school at Grace Christian school. In those days, the curriculum was from Accelerated Christian Education (ACE). A full year in each subject was divided into 12 magazine size booklets called paces. Each pace contained vocab, text, study questions, quizzes, and a final practice test. After each Pace was completed you took a separate test at a testing table for credit.

Each class had a teacher, and each teacher had a specialty. So that meant if I struggled in a particular subject I could go to that teacher for as much help as I needed.

Instead of moving from class to class each student worked in one of those library cubicle desks. Each day, I was set a goal for how many pages in each subject that I would do, and then what I didn't finish during school I was to finish at home. For each subject that wasn't completed you got a demerit. Three demerits meant you served lunch time detention.

I thrived on being able to stay at the same desk, set my own pace, and grade my own work. Ninth grade through the seniors where mixed together in the same classes. There were 120 students in grades 9-12. The small environment seemed to make for fewer clicks and an almost family environment.

No one bullied me or mocked me. I had friends, and I didn't have to worry about getting beat up.

It was way better than junior high.

But, now that I think about it. I never did very good on homework. I'm not sure that I really saw the point. I remember in Fourth grade I don't think that I ever turned in any assignments.

I struggle a little even now, but I've developed the will to push through and get things done. I've also picked up some tools along the way. The David Allen "Getting Things Done" program has really helped me.

Adam

It's Only Water Pt II

My wife pointed something about showers to me as we were talking on the way home from work. She thinks it's a transition thing. That makes a certain sense. It is a definite transition going from one thing and then into the shower thing.

Sometimes I take a bath when I get home so that I can take my time. I enjoy a bath better anyway. It's less to think about. A bath is one thing, a shower is lots of things shooting out of a shower, and how do I know if I'm rinsing everything right.

Just dunk me in some warm water instead, and it's a nice transition into a pair of sweats or jogging pants. Some nights when I come home I intend to stay in my work outfit until it’s nearly time for bed. Other nights I'm into something casual right away, and I have no intention of leaving the house.

I rarely change into an intermediate outfit such as jeans or something. I only own one pair of jeans anyway.

It's Only Water

A parent asked me if I ever resisted taking a shower as an Aspie child or teen.

I personally can't shower every day, because it makes my skin feel dried out, and then when the fabric of my clothing moves back and forth on me it creates an intolerable sensation. In the winter especially, when the heat is on and things dry out, I can only shower about every other day. So, for that reason, I too dislike taking showers, because if my skin dries out I can't escape it. There's nothing worse for an Aspie than an overwhelming sensation from which one is able to disengage.

I do enjoy baths, because it is like being buried, and I can warm up better. It's that whole desire for deep pressure. I've always wished the bathtub was deeper so that I could be completely covered with hot water. I used to squirt Vaseline intensive care oil into the bath water so that I wouldn't get dried out. That left a terrible ring in the tub though.

So, I was thinking, what if I was a parent of a teen who found it unpleasant to shower. Well, approaching it logically, there are really only one of two reasons to show (three if your married). One could be that you enjoy it or find it soothing. Then you would want to shower every night before bed just to relax. I know of people that shower every am and every pm, and enjoy the way it makes them feel.

The second reason is because people need to keep themselves clean. It's better for your health and keeps you from disturbing others with a smell that they find troubling. It really doesn't matter what smells I can or can not tolerate, if people around me can not tolerate the way I smell, then I need to fix it. Some people just load on the perfume and I have to keep a small distance from them (discretely so as not to offend). There was one time I was sitting in church and a man sat down in front of me. He was wearing an attractive suite actually. However, it smelled as if the suit had been used for a bed by a wet dog. It was a powerful odor (one of the reasons I really don't want to own a dog).

I tried to ignore it, but finally couldn't take it any more. My family was spread out along the entire row, so I quietly got up, walked to the back, and then re-entered on the other side of the row.

There are certain detergents that my wife can not use, because they have a powerful fragrance, and I can smell just the least hint of mildew on a towel (you know, that sour smell). Sometimes I put on a shirt and if it smells odd to me, I won't wear it. It just goes right back into the dirty clothes hamper.

Back to showering.

So, if you don't like to shower, but you don't want to offend people by being odoriferous, then you could do like the French do. When I visited France as a child, I noticed that the bathroom at the hotel had a toilet shaped sink called a bidet. It was for cleaning the parts of you that get smelly when you don't shower much.

Think of it, if you didn't shower for a month your knees and elbows wouldn't smell really, nor would a number of areas. If you don't have a bidet, then lay a towel in front of the sink in your bathroom, wash the smelly areas with a soapy clothe, and then rinse with a warm wet clothe, and dry yourself. The nice thing is you can take the wash clothes that you used, and the towel for drying yourself and roll them up inside the towel that you laid on the floor. Toss it all in the dirty clothes hamper and everything is neat and tidy.

It feels a little odd blogging about this, but it is a sensory issue. For some Aspies their senses are on over drive, and we get overwhelmed. There are ways to deal with that and not feel like you are a weirdo.

Let me know if you find this helpful or if you ever struggled with this. Maybe there is a way you dealt with this that other readers would like to learn about. Leave a comment.

Later,

Adam

Diet Is Making a Difference

Diet is not a "cure" for me, but it is making a remarkable difference. It is making a difference mainly in the area of chronic pain and my ability to sleep restfully through the night. I've also notice that my brain is "quieter" during the day.

It's a little odd. For the past three nights I have been up in the middle of the night having a coughing fit. Some nights I also have also had one right when I go to bed. I've been prescribed an anti-biotic for bronchitis. So, with that disruption in my sleep you think that I would be an absolute zombie. Surprisingly, I'm nearly as bad off as I should be.

I also don't have as much struggle with repetitive thoughts. I just feel more calm.

(remember this blog is just opinion and not meant as trained diagnosis)

Marge read Special Diets for Special Kids (click here to view my resource section). It discusses that there seems to be a connection between the Autism Spectrum and an intolerance to wheat protein (gluten) and dairy protein (casein). So about a year ago Marge and I started reducing the amount of wheat and dairy in our diets. Coincidentally, this is the best year my kids have had in terms of getting school work done.

I had also heard a doctor say that you crave what you are allergic to. Well I dump sauces on everything (catsup, mustard, hot sauce, salad dressing, mayonnaise). All those sauces have vinegar. There are people that are allergic to brewers yeast, so almost a month ago a cut out everything with brewers yeast. I also cut out eggs (just a wild guess).

I've also increased the portions of raw fruit and vegetables. That may be tough for some people in the Autism spectrum due to the textures. That said, I'm so intent on being healthy, that I just push the raw carrot in my mouth and chew. Eventually I'll like it.

The more I do the better I feel. So today, I decided to do a little research to see if there is hidden gluten in things. I found that there are ingredients that are called one thing, but are actually processed wheat proteins or may contain wheat.

I found it at a web site called How to Do Things. Click here to look at the information.

My children have been to a doctor in the area who specialized in individuals in the Autism Spectrum. They have had a blood test for food allergies and will get detailed results. I don't think insurance will pay for most of it, so I'm going to wait, but eventually I'll get the test as well.

What do I recommend (in my unqualified opinion)? Read Special Diets for Special Kids then hunt down other things about on the Internet and library. You'll finds more information than you know what to do with. Some of it is utter nonsense. It helps to swim in the data, because you'll start to develop a sense of what is reliable information and what is not.

After that you can start taking some guesses about what to eliminate or locate a doctor that does the blood test.

The blood test is helpful, because my one of my children told me that he didn't have a food allergy until the test results came back. In other words, "Prove it dad!"

Hyper-Sensative

I used to take pride in the fact that I heard everything and could figure out what it was, that I could tell where my wife had been by the smells that clung to her coat and hair. The volume knob on my senses is boosted a little higer than the average neurotypical. I understand that those of us in the "spectrum" are either hyper-sensative or hypo-sensative.

Did you like my cool buzzzzzz word? I'm in the spectrum (Autism Spectrum Disorder - ASD). Are you? This is the first time that I've ever been in. I was in the band Sojourn for nearly 15 years and I never felt like I was in the local music scene really, let alone a cool in singer guy.

I wish that I could turn the hyper-sensative part off whenever I wanted. When I walk into the men's room at work and I'm greeted by an odious cloud (i.e. it stanks), I can barely get out fast enough. Problem here. While at work it is incumbant upon me to exhibit a certain professionalism and also try and be as neruotypical acting as possible. I can't yell "Ugh" and bolt out of the men's panting and realling once I've made my escape. That kind of behavior could have career limiting consequences.

Today, I walked into the men's room to . . . alright I just say it. . . use the urinal. Well, the sink is right next to the urinal and there is only this little tiny wall in between. I don't do the whole, "Let's be naked together!" thing, and that includes hanging out with guys peeing or showering together. . .

I remember once I was at a county fair grounds, and I went to go . . . how do you say urinate politely. . . to take a tinkle. The "men's room" was a cinder block shed, and the one urinal was sort of an 8 foot long trough with water running on one end and a drain on the other. Who came up with that? It certainly wasn't an Aspie or some one in the Spectrum, I'll tell you that much. "Hey guys, I have an idea. Let's all drop our pants, stand next to each other, and pee in a trough!" Now you know why our society has problems, it's people that design eight foot urinals are also comming up with the Clapper or plaid polyester pants.

Anyway, so I walk into the bathroom and some one is at the sink. So, that means I have to step into a stall and wait until they leave, and then use the urinal. I felt like an infantryman in a cloud of mustard gas in World War I, the smell was so bad.

Maybe I should stop here.

Perhaps the point is. . .I'm not sure.

My wife did by me a pocket size can of Oust Dioderizer spray. I think I should just start carying it with me.

Adam

Paper and Pen

I actually love learning, but I've discovered that there is a difference between completing an assignment and learning a topic. So, I've learned to barrel through the assignment, and then go back and learn whatever I want to about the topic. At times I've re-read the text book (not often) or studied beyond the course topic through other resources.

I love pens and paper. I use the Zebra SARASA brand 0.7 point jell pen. Thankyou yes, I am nerdy. I hate the way a ball point pen scrapes across the texture on most paper. Pay attention some time. You can actually feel the texture of the paper vibrating up through the body of the pen. It's quite unpleasant. The jell pens on the other hand, don't pick up all that vibration.

For my 30th birthday, my wife bought me a nice heavy fancy ball point pen. I eventually misplaced it (much to my chagrin). I always feel wasteful throwing away a perfectly good pen body when just the ink cartridge has gone empty. The SARASA is refillable. I'll probably have to order the refills online though as the local office supply doesn't consistently carry it.

At first I was digging the Pilot jell pens, but the ink flow starts to get spotty before the cartridge is empty. The SARASA runs clean lines all the way to the end of the ink supply.

Do I sound nerdy or what!

I like paper. Special paper is fun to write on and send letters. I used to write two or three multi-page letters each Sunday night after church. I much prefer to do the bulk of my writing on a keyboard as my typing can keep up with my thinking. I still think in pen and paper. If I'm writing music (notation that is) it has to be a number 2 pencil, and a good sharpener to keep that point.

I love books and I want to read all of them. I mean it. If some one told me that I could have an operation that would make it so that I only needed an hour of sleep and then could be up the rest of the night speed reading I would jump at the chance. I find sleep boring and usually ache and feel groggy when I wake up.

That's not at all what I was going to write about.

More Later.

Adam

Sunglasses in the Office

I'm finding that I wear my sunglasses at my desk all the time now and I can actually read things on the computer screen comfortably. Also, in meetings, I put on my sunglasses if the words on the page are pulsing. It just cuts down on all the intensity.

I had heard about going to get a test done that would tell you the optimal tinting for your glasses so that it was easiest to read things. I've seen news shows about people whose lives were changed because they could finally see clearly with tinted glasses. Sometimes yellow tint. They look goofy, but if they work, let me at them. I'm not so sever that I haven't been able to survive, but I'm realizing how much discomfort that I put up as just a matter of life.

At home, we use lots of soft lighting and have very few bright overhead lights.

I don't suppose I can get everybody in my life to turn the lights down a little.

Adam

What exactly is he asking me to do?

I received an e-mail about a project on which I was working. It ended with this comment:

---We are planning a follow up for next year, so let me know if you have anything to report from your end.---

Uh…

It took me a second to process that one. All I could see in my mind was a picture of my own fanny. That's not a pretty site by any account. I was quite thankful that this coworker didn't say this in a face to face meeting.

Maybe I should wear sunglasses so that I can hide when something doesn't make sense to me.

Adam

Sunglasses are great!

I've noticed that the sunglasses help me feel less agitated by my environment. In my odd scrambled way, having the sunglasses make things seem a little quieter. Then I put in my earplugs and things are just so peaceful.

When I ride my bike and it's quite cold the earplugs help keep the cold air from whistling into my ears. So, as I was riding I realised that with my ear plugs (less sound) and sunglasses (less intense visual input), I felt like I was gliding through silk. I have often enjoyed walking (or running) in twilight. I remember as a child running through the neighborhood or woods at twilight playing some kind of game. I was hard to catch. When I ride my bike to work on the paved hiking trail and it's still dark, I find it peaceful and I can still ride fairly fast.

So, here I am walking across the campus with earplugs, sunglasses, and my cool hard hat. We are required to wear a hard hat when we are out and about, and it looks like a cool construction sit guy sort of thing. No one ever looks at me odd when they see the ear plugs, because there are areas with loud machines in which ear plugs are required.

It's peaceful not to have to hear the ten vehicles in various places or the various machines in operation that my brain is trying to categorize and understand. Instead it is filtered out and things are much more quiet. Peaceful. One day when I got back to my desk I left the sunglasses on for hours and even left the ear plugs in for a while.

It bothers some people when I have them on and talk to them. I like people to take their sunglasses off as well, when I talk to them, so I need to be sensitive to that.

I've worn my sunglasses during the last two movies I saw in the theatre. It's much more pleasant. Unless I'm near the back of the theatre I find movies hurt my eyes. It's also so visually intense that its hard to take it in. The sunglasses mellow out the brilliance and make it much more comfortable.

The problem now is that I have to make myself not wear them. It would be easy to hide inside them all the time. I could just relax inside my darkened world, and be at peace. Then I would be recluse and not a real person. I wouldn't be able to really have relationships or help anyone or serve God quite right, because you can't have a real relationship with some one if they can't look into your eyes.

Adam

Helloooo Sunglasses!

I've always avoided wearing sunglasses. I don't like speaking with people that are wearing them, because I can't see what their eyes are doing. It's also hard to imagine what my face looks like without eyes in it.

However, my father has suffered from Macular Degeneration, and has wisely advised me to start wearing them. There was also some extra flexible spending in my health account this year, so I purchased a pair of prescription sunglasses.

It has been a breakthrough.

The company in which I work has a large campus. Often I need to walk across campus to various meetings. Also walking across campus are various other people, and I never know what to do with my eyes.

When I am walking and a person I don't know is coming in the opposite direction when do I start looking at that person. If I look to early, then I am staring and the person will either be uncomfortable, offended, and think I know them some how. So, you don't want to look at the person too early (whenever that might be). So you have to look somewhere else. Normally, I look straight ahead. That way I don't fall down. If I do that then I'm looking at the person coming from the other direction, so I have to vary my gaze.

I could just not look at anyone, but then I'm being rude. Some people expect you to say hello or good morning(afternoon, day, etc). From to tough looking tradesmen (the ones that really look believable in a hard hat and tool belt), you often get abbreviated versions of hello such as
Hey
Hey'p
Hep
Uhhh
Yep

Never understood the "yep" one since I haven't asked them a question. You also have to know if the person you encounter is a waver, nod-upper, or nod-downer. I've noticed that most Caucasians nod their heads down (if they are nodders). O.K. spell check just tried to make me change nodders to dodders. What in the world is a dodder? Tradesmen and farmers tend to nod more than wave unless they are over a block away and not heading toward each other. Then they are too far away for a nod of the head and they wave. Minorities tend to nod up as a greeting and sign of initial respect.

If I'm in my own neighborhood in front of my own house and a person under the age of 20 walks or rides by, I always nod up and say "sup". Typically the other person does the same. Some times a quasi conversation takes place in which the other person says, "Namuch boutchu?" and I would say "Namuch man." Having thus exchanged greetings there is that general understanding that initial respect and positive emotions have been exchanged.

So, back to sun glasses.

With the sun glasses, I don't have to decide if or when to start looking at some one. If I want I can stare out into the trees and not worry that the other person coming toward me will think that I'm weird or offensive.

It makes for a much less stressful walk.

Adam

In 20 Min.

This is roughly how this conversation went at work:

Coworker: Can you show me how to use the Change Database in 20 min. I have a meeting.
Me: What are you asking for?
Coworker: I'm asking can you show me in 20 min.
Me: It is 12:45. Are you asking me to wait until 01:05 to show you this or are you asking that my demonstration be of less than 20 min. duration?

Show me in 20 min. Can easily mean two things, and the context (I have a meeting) didn't help at all. She could have had a short meeting, and wanted me to wait around until she got out.

So, I told her, "It's the Aspie thing, I didn't understand."

Her response was that it was o.k. She said most people don't understand and just pretend that they do.

Don't I know it.

Adam

Little Tiny Meltdown

Yesterday I was running late for work, but I still wanted coffee. I had the bright idea that I would make a pot of coffee. put some in this small metal thermous that I have, and strap it to the bag holder on the back of my bike. I've done that before.

I couldn't find the thermous. I new if Marge were here she could find it in less than five min. In my case, if it has been moved from its spot I can't always see it. Sometimes, things have been moved from the place were I normally put them, and are now in plain site. Just in a different place. I've been known to look right at something and not recognise it for what it is, because it is not where I expected it to be.

I was frozen, I had so planned on that coffee. I knew it was illogical, but it threw off my whole morning. I even castigated myself with sayings like, "Grow up jr. it's just coffee." That just made me angry.

So, I put the pot of coffee in the fancy caraf that we use (which I can not take on my bike), and pedalled off to work.

Sometimes I hate Asperger.

So, last night I got home from work, and my wife said, thanks for making me the pot of coffee. I explained that I was not so nobel as she thought. She found my metal thermous in under five min.

See, if I were a neurotypical, things couldn't be invisible on me. I could find what I want, when I wanted to. O.K., I know, a bunch of my neurtypicals are patronizingly saying, "Oh, we all loose things once in a while."

I hate it when people do that. In fact, I've heard it so much, I can hear it when they aren't saying it.

O.K. This post is nothing but an Aspie rant.

And I'm running late for work.

Later,

Adam

Surrounded by Smart Neurotypicals - Now What?

I agreed to be part of the Kalamazoo Public Library's "Read Together Program" in which everyone read the same book and talks about it, does art about it, etc. It might sound a bit odd at first glance, but it is a cool way to get people engaged in thinking through what they read instead of just reading. There is real value in working through the aspects of a books style and writing and its content.

Well, the book is called, "The Mysterious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time." It's about a boy with high functioning autism. I'm on the group because I'm in the ASD spectrum.

Well, I never felt so ASD in all my life. Normally I'm in groups of IT folks, engineers, Quality Assurance weenies, scientists. Instead I'm surrounded by library staff, educators, museum employees, book lovers, and advocates for the disabled. I introduced myself as being in the spectrum and having had fallen into some public speaking.

I worked hard at understanding the body language around me, but I couldn't. I assumed the worst. I'm just some idiot, what am I doing here with the educated elite? So, I tried to keep quiet, but just couldn't. Oddly enough, my ideas were well received, and afterward I was thanked. Also, some one said that they were changing some of their ideas based on one of my comments.

I know full well, that tonight I experienced, like never before, what the books call "mind blindness". I hated it. All of the methods I normally have for guessing or extrapolating what people might be thinking failed me in the rarefied air of the library environment.

I'm really intimidated. I love the arts, academia, and especially libraries.

Now , you might be thinking, this is a public blog, this is all out in the open now. Very true, but I'm committing to keeping a certain level of transparency, so that there is some incite into the Aspie mind. When a new group of people is also a new type of people, it is very un-nerving for an Aspie. I had the urge to leave, to say smart-alek comments, or just to rock back and forth. I did a little rocking when I got home. I repress it so much, but it really does feel nice.

There is really nothing that group of people could have done any better. I was made to feel welcomed, and my comments were welcomed. It will simply take me time to get used to them. In the meantime, I control my urges and filter my comments. In no time I'll fit right in.

I'm stepping so far out of my comfort zone, but i was telling my wife, this is what I'm all about. Helping people. This is it. God has given me Asperger, I want to use it to help others and in so doing bring the Lord pleasure.

Later,

Adam

Now that's disturbing - Halloween

I don't like Halloween anymore.

When I was a kid it seemed like a lot of fun. As an adult in my neighborhood, we get tons of kids (and teens) who are there to make a major candy haul. So, I don't know hardly any of the people who come to our door. The holiday has also taken on an even stronger occult and violent focus.

Then, at work, my coworkers dressed up as did my boss. It was disruptive for me. My boss didn't look like my boss, and the people with scary masks really bugged me.

Now, I would imagine that there are Aspies that just love dressing up and being some one else. I didn't say dressing up as some one else, but the act of dressing up transforms you into some one else. Aspies probably make great character actors. There could be a great deal of freedom in playing dress-up.

I do offer this caution: we Aspies are bright enough to know that we don't fit in. Many of us have come to accept and understand our condition, but there is still a sense of loss. Also, Aspies are often teesed and we don't typically understand why. It isn't logical. When I was in junior high, I had strong feelings of anger and a desire to get back at everyone who had rejected me. Here's the caution: It may not be wise to encourage an Aspie to act out his aggressive fantasies on Halloween by dressing up as a violent character as it could also reinforce those fantasies as a behavior.

I think that it will be better to direct an Aspie toward more positive characters:
Rock Star
Business Executive
Doctor
Lawyer (that could be fun. he could file suit against his tormentors)
Super Hero
Historical Figure

What is your Aspie's area of interest? Develop a costume that corresponds to it.

So there's my two cents.

Adam

Agitated? Yes, just a bit!

I feel like I am rocketing past my limit. My wife has her 50th birthday celebration tonight, and her family is travel (at this moment) from Eureka, Illinois. I’ve been working my head off to get the living room, painted (including repairing age related damage in one wall) and furniture cleaned. Also, needed to be ready to present at the teacher’s in-service yesterday. On top of all of it, my family and I are considering a career change.

So yesterday, after presenting at the in-service, I drove an hour up to Grand Rapids to help some friends with a recording session. The session fell through so why chatted and brought each other up to speed on our lives. That was cool, but I was looking forward to doing some music. I also got to bed late, and didn’t have last night to feel prepared for my wife’s party tonight.

Also, I had to fill in an annual self assessment. It is part of my annual review at work, but there are over two months left in the year, how can I make an annual assessment. We don’t get to do our annual objectives for the coming year until months into the year, and then we do our annual assessment early. It really means nothing to me.

I’m also reeling from the experience of presenting at the conference. Some one said that my presentations (both on Thursday and at another occasion) were “life changing”. No one has ever said that to me. Not after a Sojourn concert (www.sojournband.com) and not even after I have preached at church.

People have enjoyed both my singing and preaching, but never spoken to me with such urgency and gratefulness. Also, I really found my wife to be a natural and effective speaker.

I’m not contemplating a career as a motivational speaker or anything, but the “success” of it just hit me like a freight train. I worked harder and spent more as a singer and never was so inspiring.

It’s too much for me to integrate. I was tired to begin with, but I’m having a hard time just sitting still. I want to sleep and run around all at once. It’s like what emotions and feelings I do have are shut off, and there is a sick sense of calm. A calm as a result of an absence of activity, not the presence of peace.

I’m not really not at peace. I think fatigue and change overload is muting my emotional reactions.

So, I’m sitting at work typing this into a work document as a means of managing my feelings. Mostly feelings of agitation. So, I guess I’m feeling something.

Maybe I shouldn’t have had the two 16 oz. cups of coffee this morning. It was the only way to stay awake and keep functioning in some form or fashion.

I am looking forward to seeing my wife’s family. They are wonderfully warm and caring people. They are very different from me, but that has never blocked the closeness of familial caring. They are very good people, whom I trust and respect.

O.K., I’m feeling a little better. It helps me to write. I’ll post this to the blog. Perhaps this too will inform or encourage some one.

Adam

I Still Can't Believe It!

Yesterday, my wife Marge and I spoke at a one day conference for teachers and parents of children with Asperger Syndrome. I had a portable tape recorder on the podium and was able to record much of it.

I listened to a little bit of it, and was incredulous all over again. Did I really do a good job? Is what I have to say really entertaining and insightful? Wow. Was that really me? Yes, I have proof. That's my voice, but how can it be that by displaying my "weakness" and "disability" I am a source of strength to others.

I was slightly detached yesterday as I spoke. I normally filter so much that yesterday I made every effort to stay out of the way, and just watch me talk. The whole time I'm thinking, "Is this really what people want to hear? This is all the goofy stuff. It's the stuff that I've wanted to restrict in favor of the responsible adult sounding material."

I've worked hard at becoming a responsible adult, yet I subscribe to the principals of clowning. Really. A truly skilled clown is vulnerable with his/her flaws in a way that both entertains and teaches. By doing so, the clown exposes flaws or even evils in his/her audience in a way that stirs a change without discouraging the listener. That is the fundamental heart of a clown.

Perhaps I state too specifically to my own situation. Let me say it more correctly: A clown uses foolishness as a tool to point to the value of another.

Some clowns are purely entertainers. The circus clowns come to mind, but their entertainment may not be only that. By laughing at them we are really laughing at ourselves. We are laughing at our flaws and minimizing their power over us. We all fall down, we all fail, clowns redirect our perspective to see the humor in our own failings.

Failure can become a monster that haunts us continually. The monster of failure can gain strength as it feeds on our energy, draining from us our will to try new and scary things. Draining from us our daring to attempt that which frightens us.

In reality the monster of failure is only as large as our perspective of it. The lower we feel the taller it appears. Conversely, the taller I feel the smaller my failures appear. Failure has no power. The power of failure is a lie. In the Bible (John 8:44) Jesus is recorded as saying that the Devil is a liar and the father of lies. That's the Devil's real power. His power to convince us of that veracity of a lie.

It's so easy to embrace the power of a lie, and to live in it. It takes energy and daring to step out in faith, and live by different principals even when the lie still has some grip on us. It still has some grip on me. The lie that people won't like the real me so I'm better to wear a variety of personalities that people would rather see.

I remember once when a coworker stopped me in the hall after a meeting and said, "Quite telling everyone that you don't know what you are doing or they might start believing it." I was stunned. It hit me like a bolt of lightning: my value in this job is my thoughts and ideas not my official credentials or work history. My expertise is already in my head. My value to my employer is in the way I think about things.

Shock! I am valuable to my employer just as I am.

Huh?

So at the conference yesterday, I just let my inner Aspie pour out through my public speaker face in a way that I have never done. It was mildly organized chaos. A mosaic of thought. To my audience it had essential value.

What a shock!

It's hard to untangle the chains of the lies I've held so dear for so many years. I embraced the "Adam is junk" lie well over 20 years ago and it lurked in the corners like a secret addiction. I've heard that an abused spouse may choose to stay with the abuser rather than risk living lonely. I don't see myself as a victim frankly, but my wrong thinking became a constant companion, and it is easier to maintain the current state than it is to bust into unusual ground. So much so that the "Adam is junk" lie had taken on an air of reliability.

This is really getting long, and I need to go back to work.

Let me close with this: Relentlessly stay on message with everyone you know. The message is that everyone has intrinsic value because they were created by God and created in His image. For that reason and that reason alone every single person has inestimable value that is neither bound to what they can do or what they can't do. We all need to improve and grow, but that is our source of joy, for God never condemns those who try to please Him and fail.

Success or failure should never be the issue, but the measure of . . . a . . . "successful" person (is there another way to say that?) is that they reach beyond their current limits and aspire to something more.

Adam

Social Stories - "Mom Has Bad Days"

Social Stories can be a big help for children with Autism Spectrum Disorders. Several years ago my wife wrote one for the kids to help them understand how to deal with her when she was having a bad day.

Marge and I had the opportunity to speak at a conference and Marge read the social story. She hadn't looked at it for a long time, but when she first wrote it she would actually hand a copy to Michael to read again each time she was having a bad day.

It is re-printed below.

-----------------------

Mom Has Bad Days

Sometimes my mom is in a crabby mood. She yells at me and I can't do anything right. I don't like it when she is not happy.

Sometimes my mom is having a bad time and it is not about me. Just because she raises her voice or has a sad face, does not mean she is made at me. She is having her own bad day.

On bad days, it is good to let mom be alone. This is a good day not to ask too many questions. This is a good tim to do my work as much as I can on my own.

I can help my mom by not bugging her. I can help my mom by getting along with my sister.

I will not worry about what I did to make mom mad. She will tell me if there is something I need to do differently.

It is OK to have bad days, sometimes. I will let mom have a bad day.

-----------------------------

This social story proved helpful to my son. In time he was able to internalize this thought process, but initially, the social story helped him work through a particular situation.

Carol Grey is the Social Story guru. The Grey Center web site has a useful page about social stories including resources for sale. http://www.thegraycenter.org/socialstories.cfm

Adam

Famous Aspies

How do I know who the famous Aspies (or autistics) are? I found it on the Internet so it must be true. O.K. I've pulled some interesting names from a number of lists. Each name is a hyper link to a web page where that name, and others, is listed.

Michelangelo
Vincent van Gogh
Albert Einstein
Bill Gates

Makes you wonder about it is an "abnormality" or "disorder" or "disability". The list above is just a sampling of numerous famous eccentrics that had a major impact on the societies around them.

I believe that all individuals who want to make a contribution to the world around them can, and should be allowed to their fullest extent. Who knows, maybe the next van Gogh could be sitting in a special needs classroom waiting to be pointed in the right direction.

Adam

Don't Rearrange the Furniture!

Why is it that I get ill whenever I start a remodelling project on the house. Am I just lazy and don't like to work? I feel extra tired, start feeling like I have a touch of the stomach flu, and just have a hard time in general keeping the project going.

It was worse this time. There is so much change right now, I'm extra sensitive (see http://sojournband.blogspot.com/2006/08/last-hoorah.html). I was with Sojourn for 14 years, and with that being done and investigating being a full time missionary, I'm already stretching the limits. So I decided I was going to paint the living room for my wife's birthday. We threw out our old ratty couch, stuck my orange lazy boy chair in the basement, moved the TV into the basement, and moved all the other furniture into the center of the room.

It hit me yesterday that all of the places in the house that I use to sit and feel calm are in our living room, and that's just been proverbially "blown to bits".

It's times like this that I really do hate being an Aspie. The Neurotypical brain just manages a persons environment in the background so that Neruotypical isn't aware of it much. As an Aspie I need to create that order externally. I'm not about to be so much of a prisoner that I avoid all distressing environments. So I know for few days I'm going to feel like crap, and then when it's done I can go back to feeling a bigger sense of calm.

I think when of my biggest helps is my faith in Jesus Christ. The Bible and prayer are two chief ways to recent and calm, and they can never be taken away.

Adam

The Best of Aspie's Inc - No More Chit Chat!

There is a new feature in the blog.

It is a label that allows me to group posts along a certain topic. So I have reveiwed all of my posts and compiled a group called No More Chit Chat!

Click the link and it will take you to a collection of all the blogs along that topic.

Also, any comments or questions are always helpful.

Adam

Definitely, Definitely Not The Right Way. . .

Some of my blogs are thought out and seem inspirational or at least revelatory in an instructional way. And then there are days when in the spirit of blogging I just drop out what is on my mind. There are times when things don't go the way that I expect them. Actually, it happens a fair amount. I realized recently, that I have internal Aspie melt-downs (at worst) and at best have little internal pout fests.

I remember I was so frustrated one day that in my mind I dug in my heals, crossed my arms, put on the big angry pout face, and refused to proceed. It was the end of my work day so on the outside I put on my bike riding clothes, got on my bike, and headed for home. For about half the 45 min. trip home I had to keep encouraging myself to pedal. In my mind I could still see the pouting characture of myself, and I could feel it as if I were actually physically hunkered down in the corner of my office refusing to move.

It happens to me a lot on Mondays since the transition from the weekend is difficult. I think the only help for that is to make certain that I establish a routine of thoughtfulness in the morning and in the evening both so that I can take stock of the day before or my day so far, think about what it means to me, and work through any frustrations. Reading the Bible and talking to God is also a crucial part of that "Thoughtfulness Time". I did that about four days out of 7 last week. Well, I at least did it in the mornings. I would read something in the Bible and write a little in my journal, and then get on my bike and ride to work. Usually on my bike ride as I'm quiet and alone with my thoughts, I'll have a few moments when I feel that I connect with God. Today, it was pouring rain and 55 degrees Fahrenheit. I didn't ride in. I should have. Also, my wife was already up and moving about, when normally I'm the first one up. It was confusing so I went back to bed. We can't turn our furnace on yet, so my body was warm, but my head was cold. It was all wrong. So, my day was actually o.k., but the morning threw me out of wack. I'm going to work at promoting morning Thoughtfullness, I'll let you know how it goes. If you ever struggle with this, please leave a comment. If you have questions or comments on almost anything, please leave a comment, and I will respond in the blog. Adam