"Scottish scientists have discovered a way to reverse the symptoms of Rett Syndrome (RS), the most disabling autism spectrum disorder by targetting a gene in mice. Rett Syndrome affects some 10,000 children in the UK (or 1 in every 10,000 to 15,000 children according to the US National Institutes of Health). It is an untreatable neurological disorder that leaves sufferers, who are mostly female, severely disabled. Babies born with RS usually develop normally up to 18 months and then they regress, losing speech and the ability to move easily. They often go on to develop more severe debilitating symptoms such as repetitive movements, seizures and problems with breathing and controlling motor functions.
"Scientists had already suspected that RS was caused by a mutant form of the gene Mecp2, which works by switching other genes on and off. In fact the same scientist that led this latest study, Professor Adrian Bird, was the one who discovered it in 1989. In this latest study however, Professor Bird and his colleagues were able to show that by targetting Mecp2 in mice with RS, even adult mice, they could make the gene work normally and cause reversal in the RS symptoms."
For the full article click on this link.
My untrained opinion is that the Autism Spectrum Disorders may have multiple causes. I'm still convinced that it is primarily genetic. However, diet clearly plays a role and at times a quite dramatic role. Frankly, if I could be rid of some of the most troubling aspects of Asperger I might go ahead with it. Yet, I'm still not sure.
I have the blessing of Asperger. Those who are more classically Autistic have extreme challenges to overcome, and I can fully understand their desire for a cure. I'm still very cautious about talk of a cure. Asperger is who I am. I'm not sure if I can be me without it.
Adam
Feb 13, 2007
Feb 12, 2007
Kindergarten
My first memory of school was my mother going to meet with the kindergarten teacher. I can't quite remember her name. Mom met with her while I went into the play area. I remember putting something into a toy pay phone just before a school bell rang. I thought I had somehow made the bell ring. I left that day full of gilt.
I don't think that is an Aspie thing.
I remember my first day of kindergarten (1970). I remember standing at the front of the class. Everything was a complete blur. I mean, I couldn't see. My vision was blurry. The next picture in my head is of me sitting on my sisters lap (she was in Mr. Hartzel's fifth grade class).
Here's something odd. Trying to remember things is always troubling. It makes me to try and reach that far back and remember things. I used to think it was because I had a hidden memory of some terrible event. I don't think that any more. I think that it is an Aspie thing. I not that social memories are going to be as confusing as social situations. Also, my ways of understanding are different from that of a child, and my ability to properly "feel" about those memories may be those impaired.
I do remember being somewhat clueless socially even then. I remember bringing a new game I had gotten to show and tell, but remember feeling hurt for some reason. I don't think a really understood what would happen during show and tell, when I would get to show, and how people would react.
I also remember, this one class mate who everyone thought was funny. One day I went to sit down in a chair and he kicked it out from under me. Everyone laughed. I thought, I will do that too, and everyone will laugh. Of course, when I did it I only managed to kick the chair a little bit so that when the person hit the floor their back scraped down the chair. They were hurt and everyone looked at me like I had done something bad.
It didn't seem right that the same actions would elicit two diametrically apposed reactions. No, as a five year old I don't think I thought it in quite those terms, but that's essentially what went through my head.
I don't think that is an Aspie thing.
I remember my first day of kindergarten (1970). I remember standing at the front of the class. Everything was a complete blur. I mean, I couldn't see. My vision was blurry. The next picture in my head is of me sitting on my sisters lap (she was in Mr. Hartzel's fifth grade class).
Here's something odd. Trying to remember things is always troubling. It makes me to try and reach that far back and remember things. I used to think it was because I had a hidden memory of some terrible event. I don't think that any more. I think that it is an Aspie thing. I not that social memories are going to be as confusing as social situations. Also, my ways of understanding are different from that of a child, and my ability to properly "feel" about those memories may be those impaired.
I do remember being somewhat clueless socially even then. I remember bringing a new game I had gotten to show and tell, but remember feeling hurt for some reason. I don't think a really understood what would happen during show and tell, when I would get to show, and how people would react.
I also remember, this one class mate who everyone thought was funny. One day I went to sit down in a chair and he kicked it out from under me. Everyone laughed. I thought, I will do that too, and everyone will laugh. Of course, when I did it I only managed to kick the chair a little bit so that when the person hit the floor their back scraped down the chair. They were hurt and everyone looked at me like I had done something bad.
It didn't seem right that the same actions would elicit two diametrically apposed reactions. No, as a five year old I don't think I thought it in quite those terms, but that's essentially what went through my head.
Feb 7, 2007
Clothes Make The Man
I tend to wear the same kinds of clothes most of the time. To me all clothing is a uniform. A uniform has functional use and signifies ones function or role. So, for me to change my clothes, I have to be willing to change into another part of me.
So, on Sundays if I'm digging the church ministry vibe (how's that for slang) I stay in the outfit that I wore to church. Especially if it feels like Sunday. By the same token, I don't want to wear my jeans out to landscape or do lawn work. I put on my "grubbies". Those are my clothing set aside for painting or for lawn work.
I was just thinking of that.
I wonder if that's why some of us Aspies will tend to just go to bed in our clothes. It's the transition. There have been times that I've gone to bed in my clothes and gone right to sleep. Then later, when I wake up at about 3 am (which I do about every night), I change into sleep wear. On those occasions if I would have changed into sleep wear right then, the transition from one me to the Time To Sleep me would have stirred me up a little. I wouldn't be as sleepy then. I don't do that every night.
We are very careful not to let our children sleep in their day clothes, because you can imagine that it could easily become a habit. If I wake up in the morning in my day clothes, I feel very strange. It's as if my sleeping didn't quite count because I never put on sleeping clothes.
Sounds weired huh? It's that whole Aspie thing in which internal things need to be externalized in order to be managed. I'm still coming to understand it.
Please post comments or questions if you would like. I'm curious if any others have had these experiences.
Adam
So, on Sundays if I'm digging the church ministry vibe (how's that for slang) I stay in the outfit that I wore to church. Especially if it feels like Sunday. By the same token, I don't want to wear my jeans out to landscape or do lawn work. I put on my "grubbies". Those are my clothing set aside for painting or for lawn work.
I was just thinking of that.
I wonder if that's why some of us Aspies will tend to just go to bed in our clothes. It's the transition. There have been times that I've gone to bed in my clothes and gone right to sleep. Then later, when I wake up at about 3 am (which I do about every night), I change into sleep wear. On those occasions if I would have changed into sleep wear right then, the transition from one me to the Time To Sleep me would have stirred me up a little. I wouldn't be as sleepy then. I don't do that every night.
We are very careful not to let our children sleep in their day clothes, because you can imagine that it could easily become a habit. If I wake up in the morning in my day clothes, I feel very strange. It's as if my sleeping didn't quite count because I never put on sleeping clothes.
Sounds weired huh? It's that whole Aspie thing in which internal things need to be externalized in order to be managed. I'm still coming to understand it.
Please post comments or questions if you would like. I'm curious if any others have had these experiences.
Adam
Feb 6, 2007
Highschool
A parent asked me if I ever struggled with home work when I was in high school. I remember one year it seemed like I had lunch time detention almost every day for not getting my homework done. I went to high school at Grace Christian school. In those days, the curriculum was from Accelerated Christian Education (ACE). A full year in each subject was divided into 12 magazine size booklets called paces. Each pace contained vocab, text, study questions, quizzes, and a final practice test. After each Pace was completed you took a separate test at a testing table for credit.
Each class had a teacher, and each teacher had a specialty. So that meant if I struggled in a particular subject I could go to that teacher for as much help as I needed.
Instead of moving from class to class each student worked in one of those library cubicle desks. Each day, I was set a goal for how many pages in each subject that I would do, and then what I didn't finish during school I was to finish at home. For each subject that wasn't completed you got a demerit. Three demerits meant you served lunch time detention.
I thrived on being able to stay at the same desk, set my own pace, and grade my own work. Ninth grade through the seniors where mixed together in the same classes. There were 120 students in grades 9-12. The small environment seemed to make for fewer clicks and an almost family environment.
No one bullied me or mocked me. I had friends, and I didn't have to worry about getting beat up.
It was way better than junior high.
But, now that I think about it. I never did very good on homework. I'm not sure that I really saw the point. I remember in Fourth grade I don't think that I ever turned in any assignments.
I struggle a little even now, but I've developed the will to push through and get things done. I've also picked up some tools along the way. The David Allen "Getting Things Done" program has really helped me.
Adam
Each class had a teacher, and each teacher had a specialty. So that meant if I struggled in a particular subject I could go to that teacher for as much help as I needed.
Instead of moving from class to class each student worked in one of those library cubicle desks. Each day, I was set a goal for how many pages in each subject that I would do, and then what I didn't finish during school I was to finish at home. For each subject that wasn't completed you got a demerit. Three demerits meant you served lunch time detention.
I thrived on being able to stay at the same desk, set my own pace, and grade my own work. Ninth grade through the seniors where mixed together in the same classes. There were 120 students in grades 9-12. The small environment seemed to make for fewer clicks and an almost family environment.
No one bullied me or mocked me. I had friends, and I didn't have to worry about getting beat up.
It was way better than junior high.
But, now that I think about it. I never did very good on homework. I'm not sure that I really saw the point. I remember in Fourth grade I don't think that I ever turned in any assignments.
I struggle a little even now, but I've developed the will to push through and get things done. I've also picked up some tools along the way. The David Allen "Getting Things Done" program has really helped me.
Adam
Feb 1, 2007
It's Only Water Pt II
My wife pointed something about showers to me as we were talking on the way home from work. She thinks it's a transition thing. That makes a certain sense. It is a definite transition going from one thing and then into the shower thing.
Sometimes I take a bath when I get home so that I can take my time. I enjoy a bath better anyway. It's less to think about. A bath is one thing, a shower is lots of things shooting out of a shower, and how do I know if I'm rinsing everything right.
Just dunk me in some warm water instead, and it's a nice transition into a pair of sweats or jogging pants. Some nights when I come home I intend to stay in my work outfit until it’s nearly time for bed. Other nights I'm into something casual right away, and I have no intention of leaving the house.
I rarely change into an intermediate outfit such as jeans or something. I only own one pair of jeans anyway.
Sometimes I take a bath when I get home so that I can take my time. I enjoy a bath better anyway. It's less to think about. A bath is one thing, a shower is lots of things shooting out of a shower, and how do I know if I'm rinsing everything right.
Just dunk me in some warm water instead, and it's a nice transition into a pair of sweats or jogging pants. Some nights when I come home I intend to stay in my work outfit until it’s nearly time for bed. Other nights I'm into something casual right away, and I have no intention of leaving the house.
I rarely change into an intermediate outfit such as jeans or something. I only own one pair of jeans anyway.
Jan 31, 2007
It's Only Water
A parent asked me if I ever resisted taking a shower as an Aspie child or teen.
I personally can't shower every day, because it makes my skin feel dried out, and then when the fabric of my clothing moves back and forth on me it creates an intolerable sensation. In the winter especially, when the heat is on and things dry out, I can only shower about every other day. So, for that reason, I too dislike taking showers, because if my skin dries out I can't escape it. There's nothing worse for an Aspie than an overwhelming sensation from which one is able to disengage.
I do enjoy baths, because it is like being buried, and I can warm up better. It's that whole desire for deep pressure. I've always wished the bathtub was deeper so that I could be completely covered with hot water. I used to squirt Vaseline intensive care oil into the bath water so that I wouldn't get dried out. That left a terrible ring in the tub though.
So, I was thinking, what if I was a parent of a teen who found it unpleasant to shower. Well, approaching it logically, there are really only one of two reasons to show (three if your married). One could be that you enjoy it or find it soothing. Then you would want to shower every night before bed just to relax. I know of people that shower every am and every pm, and enjoy the way it makes them feel.
The second reason is because people need to keep themselves clean. It's better for your health and keeps you from disturbing others with a smell that they find troubling. It really doesn't matter what smells I can or can not tolerate, if people around me can not tolerate the way I smell, then I need to fix it. Some people just load on the perfume and I have to keep a small distance from them (discretely so as not to offend). There was one time I was sitting in church and a man sat down in front of me. He was wearing an attractive suite actually. However, it smelled as if the suit had been used for a bed by a wet dog. It was a powerful odor (one of the reasons I really don't want to own a dog).
I tried to ignore it, but finally couldn't take it any more. My family was spread out along the entire row, so I quietly got up, walked to the back, and then re-entered on the other side of the row.
There are certain detergents that my wife can not use, because they have a powerful fragrance, and I can smell just the least hint of mildew on a towel (you know, that sour smell). Sometimes I put on a shirt and if it smells odd to me, I won't wear it. It just goes right back into the dirty clothes hamper.
Back to showering.
So, if you don't like to shower, but you don't want to offend people by being odoriferous, then you could do like the French do. When I visited France as a child, I noticed that the bathroom at the hotel had a toilet shaped sink called a bidet. It was for cleaning the parts of you that get smelly when you don't shower much.
Think of it, if you didn't shower for a month your knees and elbows wouldn't smell really, nor would a number of areas. If you don't have a bidet, then lay a towel in front of the sink in your bathroom, wash the smelly areas with a soapy clothe, and then rinse with a warm wet clothe, and dry yourself. The nice thing is you can take the wash clothes that you used, and the towel for drying yourself and roll them up inside the towel that you laid on the floor. Toss it all in the dirty clothes hamper and everything is neat and tidy.
It feels a little odd blogging about this, but it is a sensory issue. For some Aspies their senses are on over drive, and we get overwhelmed. There are ways to deal with that and not feel like you are a weirdo.
Let me know if you find this helpful or if you ever struggled with this. Maybe there is a way you dealt with this that other readers would like to learn about. Leave a comment.
Later,
Adam
I personally can't shower every day, because it makes my skin feel dried out, and then when the fabric of my clothing moves back and forth on me it creates an intolerable sensation. In the winter especially, when the heat is on and things dry out, I can only shower about every other day. So, for that reason, I too dislike taking showers, because if my skin dries out I can't escape it. There's nothing worse for an Aspie than an overwhelming sensation from which one is able to disengage.
I do enjoy baths, because it is like being buried, and I can warm up better. It's that whole desire for deep pressure. I've always wished the bathtub was deeper so that I could be completely covered with hot water. I used to squirt Vaseline intensive care oil into the bath water so that I wouldn't get dried out. That left a terrible ring in the tub though.
So, I was thinking, what if I was a parent of a teen who found it unpleasant to shower. Well, approaching it logically, there are really only one of two reasons to show (three if your married). One could be that you enjoy it or find it soothing. Then you would want to shower every night before bed just to relax. I know of people that shower every am and every pm, and enjoy the way it makes them feel.
The second reason is because people need to keep themselves clean. It's better for your health and keeps you from disturbing others with a smell that they find troubling. It really doesn't matter what smells I can or can not tolerate, if people around me can not tolerate the way I smell, then I need to fix it. Some people just load on the perfume and I have to keep a small distance from them (discretely so as not to offend). There was one time I was sitting in church and a man sat down in front of me. He was wearing an attractive suite actually. However, it smelled as if the suit had been used for a bed by a wet dog. It was a powerful odor (one of the reasons I really don't want to own a dog).
I tried to ignore it, but finally couldn't take it any more. My family was spread out along the entire row, so I quietly got up, walked to the back, and then re-entered on the other side of the row.
There are certain detergents that my wife can not use, because they have a powerful fragrance, and I can smell just the least hint of mildew on a towel (you know, that sour smell). Sometimes I put on a shirt and if it smells odd to me, I won't wear it. It just goes right back into the dirty clothes hamper.
Back to showering.
So, if you don't like to shower, but you don't want to offend people by being odoriferous, then you could do like the French do. When I visited France as a child, I noticed that the bathroom at the hotel had a toilet shaped sink called a bidet. It was for cleaning the parts of you that get smelly when you don't shower much.
Think of it, if you didn't shower for a month your knees and elbows wouldn't smell really, nor would a number of areas. If you don't have a bidet, then lay a towel in front of the sink in your bathroom, wash the smelly areas with a soapy clothe, and then rinse with a warm wet clothe, and dry yourself. The nice thing is you can take the wash clothes that you used, and the towel for drying yourself and roll them up inside the towel that you laid on the floor. Toss it all in the dirty clothes hamper and everything is neat and tidy.
It feels a little odd blogging about this, but it is a sensory issue. For some Aspies their senses are on over drive, and we get overwhelmed. There are ways to deal with that and not feel like you are a weirdo.
Let me know if you find this helpful or if you ever struggled with this. Maybe there is a way you dealt with this that other readers would like to learn about. Leave a comment.
Later,
Adam
Jan 30, 2007
Diet Is Making a Difference
Diet is not a "cure" for me, but it is making a remarkable difference. It is making a difference mainly in the area of chronic pain and my ability to sleep restfully through the night. I've also notice that my brain is "quieter" during the day.
It's a little odd. For the past three nights I have been up in the middle of the night having a coughing fit. Some nights I also have also had one right when I go to bed. I've been prescribed an anti-biotic for bronchitis. So, with that disruption in my sleep you think that I would be an absolute zombie. Surprisingly, I'm nearly as bad off as I should be.
I also don't have as much struggle with repetitive thoughts. I just feel more calm.
(remember this blog is just opinion and not meant as trained diagnosis)
Marge read Special Diets for Special Kids (click here to view my resource section). It discusses that there seems to be a connection between the Autism Spectrum and an intolerance to wheat protein (gluten) and dairy protein (casein). So about a year ago Marge and I started reducing the amount of wheat and dairy in our diets. Coincidentally, this is the best year my kids have had in terms of getting school work done.
I had also heard a doctor say that you crave what you are allergic to. Well I dump sauces on everything (catsup, mustard, hot sauce, salad dressing, mayonnaise). All those sauces have vinegar. There are people that are allergic to brewers yeast, so almost a month ago a cut out everything with brewers yeast. I also cut out eggs (just a wild guess).
I've also increased the portions of raw fruit and vegetables. That may be tough for some people in the Autism spectrum due to the textures. That said, I'm so intent on being healthy, that I just push the raw carrot in my mouth and chew. Eventually I'll like it.
The more I do the better I feel. So today, I decided to do a little research to see if there is hidden gluten in things. I found that there are ingredients that are called one thing, but are actually processed wheat proteins or may contain wheat.
I found it at a web site called How to Do Things. Click here to look at the information.
My children have been to a doctor in the area who specialized in individuals in the Autism Spectrum. They have had a blood test for food allergies and will get detailed results. I don't think insurance will pay for most of it, so I'm going to wait, but eventually I'll get the test as well.
What do I recommend (in my unqualified opinion)? Read Special Diets for Special Kids then hunt down other things about on the Internet and library. You'll finds more information than you know what to do with. Some of it is utter nonsense. It helps to swim in the data, because you'll start to develop a sense of what is reliable information and what is not.
After that you can start taking some guesses about what to eliminate or locate a doctor that does the blood test.
The blood test is helpful, because my one of my children told me that he didn't have a food allergy until the test results came back. In other words, "Prove it dad!"
It's a little odd. For the past three nights I have been up in the middle of the night having a coughing fit. Some nights I also have also had one right when I go to bed. I've been prescribed an anti-biotic for bronchitis. So, with that disruption in my sleep you think that I would be an absolute zombie. Surprisingly, I'm nearly as bad off as I should be.
I also don't have as much struggle with repetitive thoughts. I just feel more calm.
(remember this blog is just opinion and not meant as trained diagnosis)
Marge read Special Diets for Special Kids (click here to view my resource section). It discusses that there seems to be a connection between the Autism Spectrum and an intolerance to wheat protein (gluten) and dairy protein (casein). So about a year ago Marge and I started reducing the amount of wheat and dairy in our diets. Coincidentally, this is the best year my kids have had in terms of getting school work done.
I had also heard a doctor say that you crave what you are allergic to. Well I dump sauces on everything (catsup, mustard, hot sauce, salad dressing, mayonnaise). All those sauces have vinegar. There are people that are allergic to brewers yeast, so almost a month ago a cut out everything with brewers yeast. I also cut out eggs (just a wild guess).
I've also increased the portions of raw fruit and vegetables. That may be tough for some people in the Autism spectrum due to the textures. That said, I'm so intent on being healthy, that I just push the raw carrot in my mouth and chew. Eventually I'll like it.
The more I do the better I feel. So today, I decided to do a little research to see if there is hidden gluten in things. I found that there are ingredients that are called one thing, but are actually processed wheat proteins or may contain wheat.
I found it at a web site called How to Do Things. Click here to look at the information.
My children have been to a doctor in the area who specialized in individuals in the Autism Spectrum. They have had a blood test for food allergies and will get detailed results. I don't think insurance will pay for most of it, so I'm going to wait, but eventually I'll get the test as well.
What do I recommend (in my unqualified opinion)? Read Special Diets for Special Kids then hunt down other things about on the Internet and library. You'll finds more information than you know what to do with. Some of it is utter nonsense. It helps to swim in the data, because you'll start to develop a sense of what is reliable information and what is not.
After that you can start taking some guesses about what to eliminate or locate a doctor that does the blood test.
The blood test is helpful, because my one of my children told me that he didn't have a food allergy until the test results came back. In other words, "Prove it dad!"
Jan 19, 2007
Hyper-Sensative
I used to take pride in the fact that I heard everything and could figure out what it was, that I could tell where my wife had been by the smells that clung to her coat and hair. The volume knob on my senses is boosted a little higer than the average neurotypical. I understand that those of us in the "spectrum" are either hyper-sensative or hypo-sensative.
Did you like my cool buzzzzzz word? I'm in the spectrum (Autism Spectrum Disorder - ASD). Are you? This is the first time that I've ever been in. I was in the band Sojourn for nearly 15 years and I never felt like I was in the local music scene really, let alone a cool in singer guy.
I wish that I could turn the hyper-sensative part off whenever I wanted. When I walk into the men's room at work and I'm greeted by an odious cloud (i.e. it stanks), I can barely get out fast enough. Problem here. While at work it is incumbant upon me to exhibit a certain professionalism and also try and be as neruotypical acting as possible. I can't yell "Ugh" and bolt out of the men's panting and realling once I've made my escape. That kind of behavior could have career limiting consequences.
Today, I walked into the men's room to . . . alright I just say it. . . use the urinal. Well, the sink is right next to the urinal and there is only this little tiny wall in between. I don't do the whole, "Let's be naked together!" thing, and that includes hanging out with guys peeing or showering together. . .
I remember once I was at a county fair grounds, and I went to go . . . how do you say urinate politely. . . to take a tinkle. The "men's room" was a cinder block shed, and the one urinal was sort of an 8 foot long trough with water running on one end and a drain on the other. Who came up with that? It certainly wasn't an Aspie or some one in the Spectrum, I'll tell you that much. "Hey guys, I have an idea. Let's all drop our pants, stand next to each other, and pee in a trough!" Now you know why our society has problems, it's people that design eight foot urinals are also comming up with the Clapper or plaid polyester pants.
Anyway, so I walk into the bathroom and some one is at the sink. So, that means I have to step into a stall and wait until they leave, and then use the urinal. I felt like an infantryman in a cloud of mustard gas in World War I, the smell was so bad.
Maybe I should stop here.
Perhaps the point is. . .I'm not sure.
My wife did by me a pocket size can of Oust Dioderizer spray. I think I should just start carying it with me.
Adam
Did you like my cool buzzzzzz word? I'm in the spectrum (Autism Spectrum Disorder - ASD). Are you? This is the first time that I've ever been in. I was in the band Sojourn for nearly 15 years and I never felt like I was in the local music scene really, let alone a cool in singer guy.
I wish that I could turn the hyper-sensative part off whenever I wanted. When I walk into the men's room at work and I'm greeted by an odious cloud (i.e. it stanks), I can barely get out fast enough. Problem here. While at work it is incumbant upon me to exhibit a certain professionalism and also try and be as neruotypical acting as possible. I can't yell "Ugh" and bolt out of the men's panting and realling once I've made my escape. That kind of behavior could have career limiting consequences.
Today, I walked into the men's room to . . . alright I just say it. . . use the urinal. Well, the sink is right next to the urinal and there is only this little tiny wall in between. I don't do the whole, "Let's be naked together!" thing, and that includes hanging out with guys peeing or showering together. . .
I remember once I was at a county fair grounds, and I went to go . . . how do you say urinate politely. . . to take a tinkle. The "men's room" was a cinder block shed, and the one urinal was sort of an 8 foot long trough with water running on one end and a drain on the other. Who came up with that? It certainly wasn't an Aspie or some one in the Spectrum, I'll tell you that much. "Hey guys, I have an idea. Let's all drop our pants, stand next to each other, and pee in a trough!" Now you know why our society has problems, it's people that design eight foot urinals are also comming up with the Clapper or plaid polyester pants.
Anyway, so I walk into the bathroom and some one is at the sink. So, that means I have to step into a stall and wait until they leave, and then use the urinal. I felt like an infantryman in a cloud of mustard gas in World War I, the smell was so bad.
Maybe I should stop here.
Perhaps the point is. . .I'm not sure.
My wife did by me a pocket size can of Oust Dioderizer spray. I think I should just start carying it with me.
Adam
Jan 17, 2007
Paper and Pen
I actually love learning, but I've discovered that there is a difference between completing an assignment and learning a topic. So, I've learned to barrel through the assignment, and then go back and learn whatever I want to about the topic. At times I've re-read the text book (not often) or studied beyond the course topic through other resources.
I love pens and paper. I use the Zebra SARASA brand 0.7 point jell pen. Thankyou yes, I am nerdy. I hate the way a ball point pen scrapes across the texture on most paper. Pay attention some time. You can actually feel the texture of the paper vibrating up through the body of the pen. It's quite unpleasant. The jell pens on the other hand, don't pick up all that vibration.
For my 30th birthday, my wife bought me a nice heavy fancy ball point pen. I eventually misplaced it (much to my chagrin). I always feel wasteful throwing away a perfectly good pen body when just the ink cartridge has gone empty. The SARASA is refillable. I'll probably have to order the refills online though as the local office supply doesn't consistently carry it.
At first I was digging the Pilot jell pens, but the ink flow starts to get spotty before the cartridge is empty. The SARASA runs clean lines all the way to the end of the ink supply.
Do I sound nerdy or what!
I like paper. Special paper is fun to write on and send letters. I used to write two or three multi-page letters each Sunday night after church. I much prefer to do the bulk of my writing on a keyboard as my typing can keep up with my thinking. I still think in pen and paper. If I'm writing music (notation that is) it has to be a number 2 pencil, and a good sharpener to keep that point.
I love books and I want to read all of them. I mean it. If some one told me that I could have an operation that would make it so that I only needed an hour of sleep and then could be up the rest of the night speed reading I would jump at the chance. I find sleep boring and usually ache and feel groggy when I wake up.
That's not at all what I was going to write about.
More Later.
Adam
I love pens and paper. I use the Zebra SARASA brand 0.7 point jell pen. Thankyou yes, I am nerdy. I hate the way a ball point pen scrapes across the texture on most paper. Pay attention some time. You can actually feel the texture of the paper vibrating up through the body of the pen. It's quite unpleasant. The jell pens on the other hand, don't pick up all that vibration.
For my 30th birthday, my wife bought me a nice heavy fancy ball point pen. I eventually misplaced it (much to my chagrin). I always feel wasteful throwing away a perfectly good pen body when just the ink cartridge has gone empty. The SARASA is refillable. I'll probably have to order the refills online though as the local office supply doesn't consistently carry it.
At first I was digging the Pilot jell pens, but the ink flow starts to get spotty before the cartridge is empty. The SARASA runs clean lines all the way to the end of the ink supply.
Do I sound nerdy or what!
I like paper. Special paper is fun to write on and send letters. I used to write two or three multi-page letters each Sunday night after church. I much prefer to do the bulk of my writing on a keyboard as my typing can keep up with my thinking. I still think in pen and paper. If I'm writing music (notation that is) it has to be a number 2 pencil, and a good sharpener to keep that point.
I love books and I want to read all of them. I mean it. If some one told me that I could have an operation that would make it so that I only needed an hour of sleep and then could be up the rest of the night speed reading I would jump at the chance. I find sleep boring and usually ache and feel groggy when I wake up.
That's not at all what I was going to write about.
More Later.
Adam
Jan 16, 2007
Sunglasses in the Office
I'm finding that I wear my sunglasses at my desk all the time now and I can actually read things on the computer screen comfortably. Also, in meetings, I put on my sunglasses if the words on the page are pulsing. It just cuts down on all the intensity.
I had heard about going to get a test done that would tell you the optimal tinting for your glasses so that it was easiest to read things. I've seen news shows about people whose lives were changed because they could finally see clearly with tinted glasses. Sometimes yellow tint. They look goofy, but if they work, let me at them. I'm not so sever that I haven't been able to survive, but I'm realizing how much discomfort that I put up as just a matter of life.
At home, we use lots of soft lighting and have very few bright overhead lights.
I don't suppose I can get everybody in my life to turn the lights down a little.
Adam
I had heard about going to get a test done that would tell you the optimal tinting for your glasses so that it was easiest to read things. I've seen news shows about people whose lives were changed because they could finally see clearly with tinted glasses. Sometimes yellow tint. They look goofy, but if they work, let me at them. I'm not so sever that I haven't been able to survive, but I'm realizing how much discomfort that I put up as just a matter of life.
At home, we use lots of soft lighting and have very few bright overhead lights.
I don't suppose I can get everybody in my life to turn the lights down a little.
Adam
Jan 8, 2007
What exactly is he asking me to do?
I received an e-mail about a project on which I was working. It ended with this comment:
---We are planning a follow up for next year, so let me know if you have anything to report from your end.---
Uh…
It took me a second to process that one. All I could see in my mind was a picture of my own fanny. That's not a pretty site by any account. I was quite thankful that this coworker didn't say this in a face to face meeting.
Maybe I should wear sunglasses so that I can hide when something doesn't make sense to me.
Adam
---We are planning a follow up for next year, so let me know if you have anything to report from your end.---
Uh…
It took me a second to process that one. All I could see in my mind was a picture of my own fanny. That's not a pretty site by any account. I was quite thankful that this coworker didn't say this in a face to face meeting.
Maybe I should wear sunglasses so that I can hide when something doesn't make sense to me.
Adam
Jan 6, 2007
Sunglasses are great!
I've noticed that the sunglasses help me feel less agitated by my environment. In my odd scrambled way, having the sunglasses make things seem a little quieter. Then I put in my earplugs and things are just so peaceful.
When I ride my bike and it's quite cold the earplugs help keep the cold air from whistling into my ears. So, as I was riding I realised that with my ear plugs (less sound) and sunglasses (less intense visual input), I felt like I was gliding through silk. I have often enjoyed walking (or running) in twilight. I remember as a child running through the neighborhood or woods at twilight playing some kind of game. I was hard to catch. When I ride my bike to work on the paved hiking trail and it's still dark, I find it peaceful and I can still ride fairly fast.
So, here I am walking across the campus with earplugs, sunglasses, and my cool hard hat. We are required to wear a hard hat when we are out and about, and it looks like a cool construction sit guy sort of thing. No one ever looks at me odd when they see the ear plugs, because there are areas with loud machines in which ear plugs are required.
It's peaceful not to have to hear the ten vehicles in various places or the various machines in operation that my brain is trying to categorize and understand. Instead it is filtered out and things are much more quiet. Peaceful. One day when I got back to my desk I left the sunglasses on for hours and even left the ear plugs in for a while.
It bothers some people when I have them on and talk to them. I like people to take their sunglasses off as well, when I talk to them, so I need to be sensitive to that.
I've worn my sunglasses during the last two movies I saw in the theatre. It's much more pleasant. Unless I'm near the back of the theatre I find movies hurt my eyes. It's also so visually intense that its hard to take it in. The sunglasses mellow out the brilliance and make it much more comfortable.
The problem now is that I have to make myself not wear them. It would be easy to hide inside them all the time. I could just relax inside my darkened world, and be at peace. Then I would be recluse and not a real person. I wouldn't be able to really have relationships or help anyone or serve God quite right, because you can't have a real relationship with some one if they can't look into your eyes.
Adam
When I ride my bike and it's quite cold the earplugs help keep the cold air from whistling into my ears. So, as I was riding I realised that with my ear plugs (less sound) and sunglasses (less intense visual input), I felt like I was gliding through silk. I have often enjoyed walking (or running) in twilight. I remember as a child running through the neighborhood or woods at twilight playing some kind of game. I was hard to catch. When I ride my bike to work on the paved hiking trail and it's still dark, I find it peaceful and I can still ride fairly fast.
So, here I am walking across the campus with earplugs, sunglasses, and my cool hard hat. We are required to wear a hard hat when we are out and about, and it looks like a cool construction sit guy sort of thing. No one ever looks at me odd when they see the ear plugs, because there are areas with loud machines in which ear plugs are required.
It's peaceful not to have to hear the ten vehicles in various places or the various machines in operation that my brain is trying to categorize and understand. Instead it is filtered out and things are much more quiet. Peaceful. One day when I got back to my desk I left the sunglasses on for hours and even left the ear plugs in for a while.
It bothers some people when I have them on and talk to them. I like people to take their sunglasses off as well, when I talk to them, so I need to be sensitive to that.
I've worn my sunglasses during the last two movies I saw in the theatre. It's much more pleasant. Unless I'm near the back of the theatre I find movies hurt my eyes. It's also so visually intense that its hard to take it in. The sunglasses mellow out the brilliance and make it much more comfortable.
The problem now is that I have to make myself not wear them. It would be easy to hide inside them all the time. I could just relax inside my darkened world, and be at peace. Then I would be recluse and not a real person. I wouldn't be able to really have relationships or help anyone or serve God quite right, because you can't have a real relationship with some one if they can't look into your eyes.
Adam
Jan 4, 2007
Helloooo Sunglasses!
I've always avoided wearing sunglasses. I don't like speaking with people that are wearing them, because I can't see what their eyes are doing. It's also hard to imagine what my face looks like without eyes in it.
However, my father has suffered from Macular Degeneration, and has wisely advised me to start wearing them. There was also some extra flexible spending in my health account this year, so I purchased a pair of prescription sunglasses.
It has been a breakthrough.
The company in which I work has a large campus. Often I need to walk across campus to various meetings. Also walking across campus are various other people, and I never know what to do with my eyes.
When I am walking and a person I don't know is coming in the opposite direction when do I start looking at that person. If I look to early, then I am staring and the person will either be uncomfortable, offended, and think I know them some how. So, you don't want to look at the person too early (whenever that might be). So you have to look somewhere else. Normally, I look straight ahead. That way I don't fall down. If I do that then I'm looking at the person coming from the other direction, so I have to vary my gaze.
I could just not look at anyone, but then I'm being rude. Some people expect you to say hello or good morning(afternoon, day, etc). From to tough looking tradesmen (the ones that really look believable in a hard hat and tool belt), you often get abbreviated versions of hello such as
Hey
Hey'p
Hep
Uhhh
Yep
Never understood the "yep" one since I haven't asked them a question. You also have to know if the person you encounter is a waver, nod-upper, or nod-downer. I've noticed that most Caucasians nod their heads down (if they are nodders). O.K. spell check just tried to make me change nodders to dodders. What in the world is a dodder? Tradesmen and farmers tend to nod more than wave unless they are over a block away and not heading toward each other. Then they are too far away for a nod of the head and they wave. Minorities tend to nod up as a greeting and sign of initial respect.
If I'm in my own neighborhood in front of my own house and a person under the age of 20 walks or rides by, I always nod up and say "sup". Typically the other person does the same. Some times a quasi conversation takes place in which the other person says, "Namuch boutchu?" and I would say "Namuch man." Having thus exchanged greetings there is that general understanding that initial respect and positive emotions have been exchanged.
So, back to sun glasses.
With the sun glasses, I don't have to decide if or when to start looking at some one. If I want I can stare out into the trees and not worry that the other person coming toward me will think that I'm weird or offensive.
It makes for a much less stressful walk.
Adam
Nov 19, 2006
In 20 Min.
This is roughly how this conversation went at work:
Coworker: Can you show me how to use the Change Database in 20 min. I have a meeting.
Me: What are you asking for?
Coworker: I'm asking can you show me in 20 min.
Me: It is 12:45. Are you asking me to wait until 01:05 to show you this or are you asking that my demonstration be of less than 20 min. duration?
Show me in 20 min. Can easily mean two things, and the context (I have a meeting) didn't help at all. She could have had a short meeting, and wanted me to wait around until she got out.
So, I told her, "It's the Aspie thing, I didn't understand."
Her response was that it was o.k. She said most people don't understand and just pretend that they do.
Don't I know it.
Adam
Coworker: Can you show me how to use the Change Database in 20 min. I have a meeting.
Me: What are you asking for?
Coworker: I'm asking can you show me in 20 min.
Me: It is 12:45. Are you asking me to wait until 01:05 to show you this or are you asking that my demonstration be of less than 20 min. duration?
Show me in 20 min. Can easily mean two things, and the context (I have a meeting) didn't help at all. She could have had a short meeting, and wanted me to wait around until she got out.
So, I told her, "It's the Aspie thing, I didn't understand."
Her response was that it was o.k. She said most people don't understand and just pretend that they do.
Don't I know it.
Adam
Nov 9, 2006
Little Tiny Meltdown
Yesterday I was running late for work, but I still wanted coffee. I had the bright idea that I would make a pot of coffee. put some in this small metal thermous that I have, and strap it to the bag holder on the back of my bike. I've done that before.
I couldn't find the thermous. I new if Marge were here she could find it in less than five min. In my case, if it has been moved from its spot I can't always see it. Sometimes, things have been moved from the place were I normally put them, and are now in plain site. Just in a different place. I've been known to look right at something and not recognise it for what it is, because it is not where I expected it to be.
I was frozen, I had so planned on that coffee. I knew it was illogical, but it threw off my whole morning. I even castigated myself with sayings like, "Grow up jr. it's just coffee." That just made me angry.
So, I put the pot of coffee in the fancy caraf that we use (which I can not take on my bike), and pedalled off to work.
Sometimes I hate Asperger.
So, last night I got home from work, and my wife said, thanks for making me the pot of coffee. I explained that I was not so nobel as she thought. She found my metal thermous in under five min.
See, if I were a neurotypical, things couldn't be invisible on me. I could find what I want, when I wanted to. O.K., I know, a bunch of my neurtypicals are patronizingly saying, "Oh, we all loose things once in a while."
I hate it when people do that. In fact, I've heard it so much, I can hear it when they aren't saying it.
O.K. This post is nothing but an Aspie rant.
And I'm running late for work.
Later,
Adam
I couldn't find the thermous. I new if Marge were here she could find it in less than five min. In my case, if it has been moved from its spot I can't always see it. Sometimes, things have been moved from the place were I normally put them, and are now in plain site. Just in a different place. I've been known to look right at something and not recognise it for what it is, because it is not where I expected it to be.
I was frozen, I had so planned on that coffee. I knew it was illogical, but it threw off my whole morning. I even castigated myself with sayings like, "Grow up jr. it's just coffee." That just made me angry.
So, I put the pot of coffee in the fancy caraf that we use (which I can not take on my bike), and pedalled off to work.
Sometimes I hate Asperger.
So, last night I got home from work, and my wife said, thanks for making me the pot of coffee. I explained that I was not so nobel as she thought. She found my metal thermous in under five min.
See, if I were a neurotypical, things couldn't be invisible on me. I could find what I want, when I wanted to. O.K., I know, a bunch of my neurtypicals are patronizingly saying, "Oh, we all loose things once in a while."
I hate it when people do that. In fact, I've heard it so much, I can hear it when they aren't saying it.
O.K. This post is nothing but an Aspie rant.
And I'm running late for work.
Later,
Adam
Nov 1, 2006
Surrounded by Smart Neurotypicals - Now What?
I agreed to be part of the Kalamazoo Public Library's "Read Together Program" in which everyone read the same book and talks about it, does art about it, etc. It might sound a bit odd at first glance, but it is a cool way to get people engaged in thinking through what they read instead of just reading. There is real value in working through the aspects of a books style and writing and its content.
Well, the book is called, "The Mysterious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time." It's about a boy with high functioning autism. I'm on the group because I'm in the ASD spectrum.
Well, I never felt so ASD in all my life. Normally I'm in groups of IT folks, engineers, Quality Assurance weenies, scientists. Instead I'm surrounded by library staff, educators, museum employees, book lovers, and advocates for the disabled. I introduced myself as being in the spectrum and having had fallen into some public speaking.
I worked hard at understanding the body language around me, but I couldn't. I assumed the worst. I'm just some idiot, what am I doing here with the educated elite? So, I tried to keep quiet, but just couldn't. Oddly enough, my ideas were well received, and afterward I was thanked. Also, some one said that they were changing some of their ideas based on one of my comments.
I know full well, that tonight I experienced, like never before, what the books call "mind blindness". I hated it. All of the methods I normally have for guessing or extrapolating what people might be thinking failed me in the rarefied air of the library environment.
I'm really intimidated. I love the arts, academia, and especially libraries.
Now , you might be thinking, this is a public blog, this is all out in the open now. Very true, but I'm committing to keeping a certain level of transparency, so that there is some incite into the Aspie mind. When a new group of people is also a new type of people, it is very un-nerving for an Aspie. I had the urge to leave, to say smart-alek comments, or just to rock back and forth. I did a little rocking when I got home. I repress it so much, but it really does feel nice.
There is really nothing that group of people could have done any better. I was made to feel welcomed, and my comments were welcomed. It will simply take me time to get used to them. In the meantime, I control my urges and filter my comments. In no time I'll fit right in.
I'm stepping so far out of my comfort zone, but i was telling my wife, this is what I'm all about. Helping people. This is it. God has given me Asperger, I want to use it to help others and in so doing bring the Lord pleasure.
Later,
Adam
Well, the book is called, "The Mysterious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time." It's about a boy with high functioning autism. I'm on the group because I'm in the ASD spectrum.
Well, I never felt so ASD in all my life. Normally I'm in groups of IT folks, engineers, Quality Assurance weenies, scientists. Instead I'm surrounded by library staff, educators, museum employees, book lovers, and advocates for the disabled. I introduced myself as being in the spectrum and having had fallen into some public speaking.
I worked hard at understanding the body language around me, but I couldn't. I assumed the worst. I'm just some idiot, what am I doing here with the educated elite? So, I tried to keep quiet, but just couldn't. Oddly enough, my ideas were well received, and afterward I was thanked. Also, some one said that they were changing some of their ideas based on one of my comments.
I know full well, that tonight I experienced, like never before, what the books call "mind blindness". I hated it. All of the methods I normally have for guessing or extrapolating what people might be thinking failed me in the rarefied air of the library environment.
I'm really intimidated. I love the arts, academia, and especially libraries.
Now , you might be thinking, this is a public blog, this is all out in the open now. Very true, but I'm committing to keeping a certain level of transparency, so that there is some incite into the Aspie mind. When a new group of people is also a new type of people, it is very un-nerving for an Aspie. I had the urge to leave, to say smart-alek comments, or just to rock back and forth. I did a little rocking when I got home. I repress it so much, but it really does feel nice.
There is really nothing that group of people could have done any better. I was made to feel welcomed, and my comments were welcomed. It will simply take me time to get used to them. In the meantime, I control my urges and filter my comments. In no time I'll fit right in.
I'm stepping so far out of my comfort zone, but i was telling my wife, this is what I'm all about. Helping people. This is it. God has given me Asperger, I want to use it to help others and in so doing bring the Lord pleasure.
Later,
Adam
Oct 31, 2006
Now that's disturbing - Halloween
I don't like Halloween anymore.
When I was a kid it seemed like a lot of fun. As an adult in my neighborhood, we get tons of kids (and teens) who are there to make a major candy haul. So, I don't know hardly any of the people who come to our door. The holiday has also taken on an even stronger occult and violent focus.
Then, at work, my coworkers dressed up as did my boss. It was disruptive for me. My boss didn't look like my boss, and the people with scary masks really bugged me.
Now, I would imagine that there are Aspies that just love dressing up and being some one else. I didn't say dressing up as some one else, but the act of dressing up transforms you into some one else. Aspies probably make great character actors. There could be a great deal of freedom in playing dress-up.
I do offer this caution: we Aspies are bright enough to know that we don't fit in. Many of us have come to accept and understand our condition, but there is still a sense of loss. Also, Aspies are often teesed and we don't typically understand why. It isn't logical. When I was in junior high, I had strong feelings of anger and a desire to get back at everyone who had rejected me. Here's the caution: It may not be wise to encourage an Aspie to act out his aggressive fantasies on Halloween by dressing up as a violent character as it could also reinforce those fantasies as a behavior.
I think that it will be better to direct an Aspie toward more positive characters:
Rock Star
Business Executive
Doctor
Lawyer (that could be fun. he could file suit against his tormentors)
Super Hero
Historical Figure
What is your Aspie's area of interest? Develop a costume that corresponds to it.
So there's my two cents.
Adam
When I was a kid it seemed like a lot of fun. As an adult in my neighborhood, we get tons of kids (and teens) who are there to make a major candy haul. So, I don't know hardly any of the people who come to our door. The holiday has also taken on an even stronger occult and violent focus.
Then, at work, my coworkers dressed up as did my boss. It was disruptive for me. My boss didn't look like my boss, and the people with scary masks really bugged me.
Now, I would imagine that there are Aspies that just love dressing up and being some one else. I didn't say dressing up as some one else, but the act of dressing up transforms you into some one else. Aspies probably make great character actors. There could be a great deal of freedom in playing dress-up.
I do offer this caution: we Aspies are bright enough to know that we don't fit in. Many of us have come to accept and understand our condition, but there is still a sense of loss. Also, Aspies are often teesed and we don't typically understand why. It isn't logical. When I was in junior high, I had strong feelings of anger and a desire to get back at everyone who had rejected me. Here's the caution: It may not be wise to encourage an Aspie to act out his aggressive fantasies on Halloween by dressing up as a violent character as it could also reinforce those fantasies as a behavior.
I think that it will be better to direct an Aspie toward more positive characters:
Rock Star
Business Executive
Doctor
Lawyer (that could be fun. he could file suit against his tormentors)
Super Hero
Historical Figure
What is your Aspie's area of interest? Develop a costume that corresponds to it.
So there's my two cents.
Adam
Oct 27, 2006
Agitated? Yes, just a bit!
I feel like I am rocketing past my limit. My wife has her 50th birthday celebration tonight, and her family is travel (at this moment) from Eureka, Illinois. I’ve been working my head off to get the living room, painted (including repairing age related damage in one wall) and furniture cleaned. Also, needed to be ready to present at the teacher’s in-service yesterday. On top of all of it, my family and I are considering a career change.
So yesterday, after presenting at the in-service, I drove an hour up to Grand Rapids to help some friends with a recording session. The session fell through so why chatted and brought each other up to speed on our lives. That was cool, but I was looking forward to doing some music. I also got to bed late, and didn’t have last night to feel prepared for my wife’s party tonight.
Also, I had to fill in an annual self assessment. It is part of my annual review at work, but there are over two months left in the year, how can I make an annual assessment. We don’t get to do our annual objectives for the coming year until months into the year, and then we do our annual assessment early. It really means nothing to me.
I’m also reeling from the experience of presenting at the conference. Some one said that my presentations (both on Thursday and at another occasion) were “life changing”. No one has ever said that to me. Not after a Sojourn concert (www.sojournband.com) and not even after I have preached at church.
People have enjoyed both my singing and preaching, but never spoken to me with such urgency and gratefulness. Also, I really found my wife to be a natural and effective speaker.
I’m not contemplating a career as a motivational speaker or anything, but the “success” of it just hit me like a freight train. I worked harder and spent more as a singer and never was so inspiring.
It’s too much for me to integrate. I was tired to begin with, but I’m having a hard time just sitting still. I want to sleep and run around all at once. It’s like what emotions and feelings I do have are shut off, and there is a sick sense of calm. A calm as a result of an absence of activity, not the presence of peace.
I’m not really not at peace. I think fatigue and change overload is muting my emotional reactions.
So, I’m sitting at work typing this into a work document as a means of managing my feelings. Mostly feelings of agitation. So, I guess I’m feeling something.
Maybe I shouldn’t have had the two 16 oz. cups of coffee this morning. It was the only way to stay awake and keep functioning in some form or fashion.
I am looking forward to seeing my wife’s family. They are wonderfully warm and caring people. They are very different from me, but that has never blocked the closeness of familial caring. They are very good people, whom I trust and respect.
O.K., I’m feeling a little better. It helps me to write. I’ll post this to the blog. Perhaps this too will inform or encourage some one.
Adam
So yesterday, after presenting at the in-service, I drove an hour up to Grand Rapids to help some friends with a recording session. The session fell through so why chatted and brought each other up to speed on our lives. That was cool, but I was looking forward to doing some music. I also got to bed late, and didn’t have last night to feel prepared for my wife’s party tonight.
Also, I had to fill in an annual self assessment. It is part of my annual review at work, but there are over two months left in the year, how can I make an annual assessment. We don’t get to do our annual objectives for the coming year until months into the year, and then we do our annual assessment early. It really means nothing to me.
I’m also reeling from the experience of presenting at the conference. Some one said that my presentations (both on Thursday and at another occasion) were “life changing”. No one has ever said that to me. Not after a Sojourn concert (www.sojournband.com) and not even after I have preached at church.
People have enjoyed both my singing and preaching, but never spoken to me with such urgency and gratefulness. Also, I really found my wife to be a natural and effective speaker.
I’m not contemplating a career as a motivational speaker or anything, but the “success” of it just hit me like a freight train. I worked harder and spent more as a singer and never was so inspiring.
It’s too much for me to integrate. I was tired to begin with, but I’m having a hard time just sitting still. I want to sleep and run around all at once. It’s like what emotions and feelings I do have are shut off, and there is a sick sense of calm. A calm as a result of an absence of activity, not the presence of peace.
I’m not really not at peace. I think fatigue and change overload is muting my emotional reactions.
So, I’m sitting at work typing this into a work document as a means of managing my feelings. Mostly feelings of agitation. So, I guess I’m feeling something.
Maybe I shouldn’t have had the two 16 oz. cups of coffee this morning. It was the only way to stay awake and keep functioning in some form or fashion.
I am looking forward to seeing my wife’s family. They are wonderfully warm and caring people. They are very different from me, but that has never blocked the closeness of familial caring. They are very good people, whom I trust and respect.
O.K., I’m feeling a little better. It helps me to write. I’ll post this to the blog. Perhaps this too will inform or encourage some one.
Adam
I Still Can't Believe It!
Yesterday, my wife Marge and I spoke at a one day conference for teachers and parents of children with Asperger Syndrome. I had a portable tape recorder on the podium and was able to record much of it.
I listened to a little bit of it, and was incredulous all over again. Did I really do a good job? Is what I have to say really entertaining and insightful? Wow. Was that really me? Yes, I have proof. That's my voice, but how can it be that by displaying my "weakness" and "disability" I am a source of strength to others.
I was slightly detached yesterday as I spoke. I normally filter so much that yesterday I made every effort to stay out of the way, and just watch me talk. The whole time I'm thinking, "Is this really what people want to hear? This is all the goofy stuff. It's the stuff that I've wanted to restrict in favor of the responsible adult sounding material."
I've worked hard at becoming a responsible adult, yet I subscribe to the principals of clowning. Really. A truly skilled clown is vulnerable with his/her flaws in a way that both entertains and teaches. By doing so, the clown exposes flaws or even evils in his/her audience in a way that stirs a change without discouraging the listener. That is the fundamental heart of a clown.
Perhaps I state too specifically to my own situation. Let me say it more correctly: A clown uses foolishness as a tool to point to the value of another.
Some clowns are purely entertainers. The circus clowns come to mind, but their entertainment may not be only that. By laughing at them we are really laughing at ourselves. We are laughing at our flaws and minimizing their power over us. We all fall down, we all fail, clowns redirect our perspective to see the humor in our own failings.
Failure can become a monster that haunts us continually. The monster of failure can gain strength as it feeds on our energy, draining from us our will to try new and scary things. Draining from us our daring to attempt that which frightens us.
In reality the monster of failure is only as large as our perspective of it. The lower we feel the taller it appears. Conversely, the taller I feel the smaller my failures appear. Failure has no power. The power of failure is a lie. In the Bible (John 8:44) Jesus is recorded as saying that the Devil is a liar and the father of lies. That's the Devil's real power. His power to convince us of that veracity of a lie.
It's so easy to embrace the power of a lie, and to live in it. It takes energy and daring to step out in faith, and live by different principals even when the lie still has some grip on us. It still has some grip on me. The lie that people won't like the real me so I'm better to wear a variety of personalities that people would rather see.
I remember once when a coworker stopped me in the hall after a meeting and said, "Quite telling everyone that you don't know what you are doing or they might start believing it." I was stunned. It hit me like a bolt of lightning: my value in this job is my thoughts and ideas not my official credentials or work history. My expertise is already in my head. My value to my employer is in the way I think about things.
Shock! I am valuable to my employer just as I am.
Huh?
So at the conference yesterday, I just let my inner Aspie pour out through my public speaker face in a way that I have never done. It was mildly organized chaos. A mosaic of thought. To my audience it had essential value.
What a shock!
It's hard to untangle the chains of the lies I've held so dear for so many years. I embraced the "Adam is junk" lie well over 20 years ago and it lurked in the corners like a secret addiction. I've heard that an abused spouse may choose to stay with the abuser rather than risk living lonely. I don't see myself as a victim frankly, but my wrong thinking became a constant companion, and it is easier to maintain the current state than it is to bust into unusual ground. So much so that the "Adam is junk" lie had taken on an air of reliability.
This is really getting long, and I need to go back to work.
Let me close with this: Relentlessly stay on message with everyone you know. The message is that everyone has intrinsic value because they were created by God and created in His image. For that reason and that reason alone every single person has inestimable value that is neither bound to what they can do or what they can't do. We all need to improve and grow, but that is our source of joy, for God never condemns those who try to please Him and fail.
Success or failure should never be the issue, but the measure of . . . a . . . "successful" person (is there another way to say that?) is that they reach beyond their current limits and aspire to something more.
Adam
I listened to a little bit of it, and was incredulous all over again. Did I really do a good job? Is what I have to say really entertaining and insightful? Wow. Was that really me? Yes, I have proof. That's my voice, but how can it be that by displaying my "weakness" and "disability" I am a source of strength to others.
I was slightly detached yesterday as I spoke. I normally filter so much that yesterday I made every effort to stay out of the way, and just watch me talk. The whole time I'm thinking, "Is this really what people want to hear? This is all the goofy stuff. It's the stuff that I've wanted to restrict in favor of the responsible adult sounding material."
I've worked hard at becoming a responsible adult, yet I subscribe to the principals of clowning. Really. A truly skilled clown is vulnerable with his/her flaws in a way that both entertains and teaches. By doing so, the clown exposes flaws or even evils in his/her audience in a way that stirs a change without discouraging the listener. That is the fundamental heart of a clown.
Perhaps I state too specifically to my own situation. Let me say it more correctly: A clown uses foolishness as a tool to point to the value of another.
Some clowns are purely entertainers. The circus clowns come to mind, but their entertainment may not be only that. By laughing at them we are really laughing at ourselves. We are laughing at our flaws and minimizing their power over us. We all fall down, we all fail, clowns redirect our perspective to see the humor in our own failings.
Failure can become a monster that haunts us continually. The monster of failure can gain strength as it feeds on our energy, draining from us our will to try new and scary things. Draining from us our daring to attempt that which frightens us.
In reality the monster of failure is only as large as our perspective of it. The lower we feel the taller it appears. Conversely, the taller I feel the smaller my failures appear. Failure has no power. The power of failure is a lie. In the Bible (John 8:44) Jesus is recorded as saying that the Devil is a liar and the father of lies. That's the Devil's real power. His power to convince us of that veracity of a lie.
It's so easy to embrace the power of a lie, and to live in it. It takes energy and daring to step out in faith, and live by different principals even when the lie still has some grip on us. It still has some grip on me. The lie that people won't like the real me so I'm better to wear a variety of personalities that people would rather see.
I remember once when a coworker stopped me in the hall after a meeting and said, "Quite telling everyone that you don't know what you are doing or they might start believing it." I was stunned. It hit me like a bolt of lightning: my value in this job is my thoughts and ideas not my official credentials or work history. My expertise is already in my head. My value to my employer is in the way I think about things.
Shock! I am valuable to my employer just as I am.
Huh?
So at the conference yesterday, I just let my inner Aspie pour out through my public speaker face in a way that I have never done. It was mildly organized chaos. A mosaic of thought. To my audience it had essential value.
What a shock!
It's hard to untangle the chains of the lies I've held so dear for so many years. I embraced the "Adam is junk" lie well over 20 years ago and it lurked in the corners like a secret addiction. I've heard that an abused spouse may choose to stay with the abuser rather than risk living lonely. I don't see myself as a victim frankly, but my wrong thinking became a constant companion, and it is easier to maintain the current state than it is to bust into unusual ground. So much so that the "Adam is junk" lie had taken on an air of reliability.
This is really getting long, and I need to go back to work.
Let me close with this: Relentlessly stay on message with everyone you know. The message is that everyone has intrinsic value because they were created by God and created in His image. For that reason and that reason alone every single person has inestimable value that is neither bound to what they can do or what they can't do. We all need to improve and grow, but that is our source of joy, for God never condemns those who try to please Him and fail.
Success or failure should never be the issue, but the measure of . . . a . . . "successful" person (is there another way to say that?) is that they reach beyond their current limits and aspire to something more.
Adam
Oct 26, 2006
Social Stories - "Mom Has Bad Days"
Social Stories can be a big help for children with Autism Spectrum Disorders. Several years ago my wife wrote one for the kids to help them understand how to deal with her when she was having a bad day.
Marge and I had the opportunity to speak at a conference and Marge read the social story. She hadn't looked at it for a long time, but when she first wrote it she would actually hand a copy to Michael to read again each time she was having a bad day.
It is re-printed below.
-----------------------
Mom Has Bad Days
Sometimes my mom is in a crabby mood. She yells at me and I can't do anything right. I don't like it when she is not happy.
Sometimes my mom is having a bad time and it is not about me. Just because she raises her voice or has a sad face, does not mean she is made at me. She is having her own bad day.
On bad days, it is good to let mom be alone. This is a good day not to ask too many questions. This is a good tim to do my work as much as I can on my own.
I can help my mom by not bugging her. I can help my mom by getting along with my sister.
I will not worry about what I did to make mom mad. She will tell me if there is something I need to do differently.
It is OK to have bad days, sometimes. I will let mom have a bad day.
-----------------------------
This social story proved helpful to my son. In time he was able to internalize this thought process, but initially, the social story helped him work through a particular situation.
Carol Grey is the Social Story guru. The Grey Center web site has a useful page about social stories including resources for sale. http://www.thegraycenter.org/socialstories.cfm
Adam
Marge and I had the opportunity to speak at a conference and Marge read the social story. She hadn't looked at it for a long time, but when she first wrote it she would actually hand a copy to Michael to read again each time she was having a bad day.
It is re-printed below.
-----------------------
Mom Has Bad Days
Sometimes my mom is in a crabby mood. She yells at me and I can't do anything right. I don't like it when she is not happy.
Sometimes my mom is having a bad time and it is not about me. Just because she raises her voice or has a sad face, does not mean she is made at me. She is having her own bad day.
On bad days, it is good to let mom be alone. This is a good day not to ask too many questions. This is a good tim to do my work as much as I can on my own.
I can help my mom by not bugging her. I can help my mom by getting along with my sister.
I will not worry about what I did to make mom mad. She will tell me if there is something I need to do differently.
It is OK to have bad days, sometimes. I will let mom have a bad day.
-----------------------------
This social story proved helpful to my son. In time he was able to internalize this thought process, but initially, the social story helped him work through a particular situation.
Carol Grey is the Social Story guru. The Grey Center web site has a useful page about social stories including resources for sale. http://www.thegraycenter.org/socialstories.cfm
Adam
Oct 24, 2006
Famous Aspies
How do I know who the famous Aspies (or autistics) are? I found it on the Internet so it must be true. O.K. I've pulled some interesting names from a number of lists. Each name is a hyper link to a web page where that name, and others, is listed.
Michelangelo
Vincent van Gogh
Albert Einstein
Bill Gates
Makes you wonder about it is an "abnormality" or "disorder" or "disability". The list above is just a sampling of numerous famous eccentrics that had a major impact on the societies around them.
I believe that all individuals who want to make a contribution to the world around them can, and should be allowed to their fullest extent. Who knows, maybe the next van Gogh could be sitting in a special needs classroom waiting to be pointed in the right direction.
Adam
Michelangelo
Vincent van Gogh
Albert Einstein
Bill Gates
Makes you wonder about it is an "abnormality" or "disorder" or "disability". The list above is just a sampling of numerous famous eccentrics that had a major impact on the societies around them.
I believe that all individuals who want to make a contribution to the world around them can, and should be allowed to their fullest extent. Who knows, maybe the next van Gogh could be sitting in a special needs classroom waiting to be pointed in the right direction.
Adam
Oct 23, 2006
Don't Rearrange the Furniture!
Why is it that I get ill whenever I start a remodelling project on the house. Am I just lazy and don't like to work? I feel extra tired, start feeling like I have a touch of the stomach flu, and just have a hard time in general keeping the project going.
It was worse this time. There is so much change right now, I'm extra sensitive (see http://sojournband.blogspot.com/2006/08/last-hoorah.html). I was with Sojourn for 14 years, and with that being done and investigating being a full time missionary, I'm already stretching the limits. So I decided I was going to paint the living room for my wife's birthday. We threw out our old ratty couch, stuck my orange lazy boy chair in the basement, moved the TV into the basement, and moved all the other furniture into the center of the room.
It hit me yesterday that all of the places in the house that I use to sit and feel calm are in our living room, and that's just been proverbially "blown to bits".
It's times like this that I really do hate being an Aspie. The Neurotypical brain just manages a persons environment in the background so that Neruotypical isn't aware of it much. As an Aspie I need to create that order externally. I'm not about to be so much of a prisoner that I avoid all distressing environments. So I know for few days I'm going to feel like crap, and then when it's done I can go back to feeling a bigger sense of calm.
I think when of my biggest helps is my faith in Jesus Christ. The Bible and prayer are two chief ways to recent and calm, and they can never be taken away.
Adam
It was worse this time. There is so much change right now, I'm extra sensitive (see http://sojournband.blogspot.com/2006/08/last-hoorah.html). I was with Sojourn for 14 years, and with that being done and investigating being a full time missionary, I'm already stretching the limits. So I decided I was going to paint the living room for my wife's birthday. We threw out our old ratty couch, stuck my orange lazy boy chair in the basement, moved the TV into the basement, and moved all the other furniture into the center of the room.
It hit me yesterday that all of the places in the house that I use to sit and feel calm are in our living room, and that's just been proverbially "blown to bits".
It's times like this that I really do hate being an Aspie. The Neurotypical brain just manages a persons environment in the background so that Neruotypical isn't aware of it much. As an Aspie I need to create that order externally. I'm not about to be so much of a prisoner that I avoid all distressing environments. So I know for few days I'm going to feel like crap, and then when it's done I can go back to feeling a bigger sense of calm.
I think when of my biggest helps is my faith in Jesus Christ. The Bible and prayer are two chief ways to recent and calm, and they can never be taken away.
Adam
Oct 18, 2006
The Best of Aspie's Inc - No More Chit Chat!
There is a new feature in the blog.
It is a label that allows me to group posts along a certain topic. So I have reveiwed all of my posts and compiled a group called No More Chit Chat!
Click the link and it will take you to a collection of all the blogs along that topic.
Also, any comments or questions are always helpful.
Adam
It is a label that allows me to group posts along a certain topic. So I have reveiwed all of my posts and compiled a group called No More Chit Chat!
Click the link and it will take you to a collection of all the blogs along that topic.
Also, any comments or questions are always helpful.
Adam
Oct 16, 2006
Definitely, Definitely Not The Right Way. . .
Some of my blogs are thought out and seem inspirational or at least revelatory in an instructional way. And then there are days when in the spirit of blogging I just drop out what is on my mind. There are times when things don't go the way that I expect them. Actually, it happens a fair amount. I realized recently, that I have internal Aspie melt-downs (at worst) and at best have little internal pout fests.
I remember I was so frustrated one day that in my mind I dug in my heals, crossed my arms, put on the big angry pout face, and refused to proceed. It was the end of my work day so on the outside I put on my bike riding clothes, got on my bike, and headed for home. For about half the 45 min. trip home I had to keep encouraging myself to pedal. In my mind I could still see the pouting characture of myself, and I could feel it as if I were actually physically hunkered down in the corner of my office refusing to move.
It happens to me a lot on Mondays since the transition from the weekend is difficult. I think the only help for that is to make certain that I establish a routine of thoughtfulness in the morning and in the evening both so that I can take stock of the day before or my day so far, think about what it means to me, and work through any frustrations. Reading the Bible and talking to God is also a crucial part of that "Thoughtfulness Time". I did that about four days out of 7 last week. Well, I at least did it in the mornings. I would read something in the Bible and write a little in my journal, and then get on my bike and ride to work. Usually on my bike ride as I'm quiet and alone with my thoughts, I'll have a few moments when I feel that I connect with God. Today, it was pouring rain and 55 degrees Fahrenheit. I didn't ride in. I should have. Also, my wife was already up and moving about, when normally I'm the first one up. It was confusing so I went back to bed. We can't turn our furnace on yet, so my body was warm, but my head was cold. It was all wrong. So, my day was actually o.k., but the morning threw me out of wack. I'm going to work at promoting morning Thoughtfullness, I'll let you know how it goes. If you ever struggle with this, please leave a comment. If you have questions or comments on almost anything, please leave a comment, and I will respond in the blog. Adam
I remember I was so frustrated one day that in my mind I dug in my heals, crossed my arms, put on the big angry pout face, and refused to proceed. It was the end of my work day so on the outside I put on my bike riding clothes, got on my bike, and headed for home. For about half the 45 min. trip home I had to keep encouraging myself to pedal. In my mind I could still see the pouting characture of myself, and I could feel it as if I were actually physically hunkered down in the corner of my office refusing to move.
It happens to me a lot on Mondays since the transition from the weekend is difficult. I think the only help for that is to make certain that I establish a routine of thoughtfulness in the morning and in the evening both so that I can take stock of the day before or my day so far, think about what it means to me, and work through any frustrations. Reading the Bible and talking to God is also a crucial part of that "Thoughtfulness Time". I did that about four days out of 7 last week. Well, I at least did it in the mornings. I would read something in the Bible and write a little in my journal, and then get on my bike and ride to work. Usually on my bike ride as I'm quiet and alone with my thoughts, I'll have a few moments when I feel that I connect with God. Today, it was pouring rain and 55 degrees Fahrenheit. I didn't ride in. I should have. Also, my wife was already up and moving about, when normally I'm the first one up. It was confusing so I went back to bed. We can't turn our furnace on yet, so my body was warm, but my head was cold. It was all wrong. So, my day was actually o.k., but the morning threw me out of wack. I'm going to work at promoting morning Thoughtfullness, I'll let you know how it goes. If you ever struggle with this, please leave a comment. If you have questions or comments on almost anything, please leave a comment, and I will respond in the blog. Adam
Sep 16, 2006
Melon E-Mail
About five years ago, I worked for a contractor that employed technical writers. They prided themselves on the highly professional quality of the product and services they offered. I took that to heart.
So, one day I got an e-mail saying that the company was offering a new "benefit". I'm thinking, cool! will it be tuition reimbursement? cash? they already gave us our birthday off so that isn't it. It turns out that the owner of the company had a brother who is a fruit farmer, and the benefit is that each of the employees will receive one free melon. We were also offered the opportunity to purchase additional melons at a greatly reduced price.
To me that sounded like a silly benefit, so I ignored the e-mail. Well, then I got another e-mail with more information on this new melon benefit. I started calling these "Melon Mails". After that I think that I got several others. One was an "oops", I forgot to, and the other was an e-mail to let every one know that there was going to be a schedule change for when/where we should collect our melon benefit.
At that point I had had enough, and I wrote the following to the administrative assistant that was sending them:
-----------------------------
"Is there any way I can opt out of getting future e-mails about fruit? I could sure go for a free box of home made Toll-House cookies! or how about beef jerky!
"And when we pick up our cantaloupe where do we put it? Maybe inside our car where the temp will reach 110. We could just line them up in the break rooms and mark out names on them in wax pencil!"
--------------------------
I thought I was kind of funny actually, but dearly hoped that I would quit getting melon mails.
Instead I got a terse response from the VP:
--------------------
Adam:
"I am goin to give you the benefit of the doubt that your response was a weak and inappropriate attempt at humor.
"One of the things that is different about [our company] is that we have a CEO who does attempt to provide employees with some of the little things as a way of saying thankyou."
[o.k. show how much you care with a $2 melon]
"Generally when an offer such as this is made and you wish to decline the appropriate response is 'no thank you'."
----------------------------
The e-mail goes on from there, but . . . uh. . . even now I look at it and have about a 45 min. Aspie tirade that I want to launch into. Such as how can a $2 piece of fruit be considered a benefit!!! I'm not even sure what melon's cost. It's a good thing the CEO. . .
Can a sole proprietership company with 80 employees and one office have a CEO?
Sorry, what I was going to say is that it's a good thing the CEO didn't have an uncle that worked for Hanes! Then I would have received Undie E-mails! If her sister owned a company that made laxatives, then instead of a series of e-mails, we would have had a running dialogue.
I'ld better stop right there. My relational thinking is taking this to places that it must not go.
No real point or inspiration here, just a simple Aspie ramble.
Do you wonder why I brought this up now? My wife was going through and shredding old files and trying to decide what to keep. She found my old employment records and the e-mail thread was in there.
Later,
Adam Parmenter
So, one day I got an e-mail saying that the company was offering a new "benefit". I'm thinking, cool! will it be tuition reimbursement? cash? they already gave us our birthday off so that isn't it. It turns out that the owner of the company had a brother who is a fruit farmer, and the benefit is that each of the employees will receive one free melon. We were also offered the opportunity to purchase additional melons at a greatly reduced price.
To me that sounded like a silly benefit, so I ignored the e-mail. Well, then I got another e-mail with more information on this new melon benefit. I started calling these "Melon Mails". After that I think that I got several others. One was an "oops", I forgot to, and the other was an e-mail to let every one know that there was going to be a schedule change for when/where we should collect our melon benefit.
At that point I had had enough, and I wrote the following to the administrative assistant that was sending them:
-----------------------------
"Is there any way I can opt out of getting future e-mails about fruit? I could sure go for a free box of home made Toll-House cookies! or how about beef jerky!
"And when we pick up our cantaloupe where do we put it? Maybe inside our car where the temp will reach 110. We could just line them up in the break rooms and mark out names on them in wax pencil!"
--------------------------
I thought I was kind of funny actually, but dearly hoped that I would quit getting melon mails.
Instead I got a terse response from the VP:
--------------------
Adam:
"I am goin to give you the benefit of the doubt that your response was a weak and inappropriate attempt at humor.
"One of the things that is different about [our company] is that we have a CEO who does attempt to provide employees with some of the little things as a way of saying thankyou."
[o.k. show how much you care with a $2 melon]
"Generally when an offer such as this is made and you wish to decline the appropriate response is 'no thank you'."
----------------------------
The e-mail goes on from there, but . . . uh. . . even now I look at it and have about a 45 min. Aspie tirade that I want to launch into. Such as how can a $2 piece of fruit be considered a benefit!!! I'm not even sure what melon's cost. It's a good thing the CEO. . .
Can a sole proprietership company with 80 employees and one office have a CEO?
Sorry, what I was going to say is that it's a good thing the CEO didn't have an uncle that worked for Hanes! Then I would have received Undie E-mails! If her sister owned a company that made laxatives, then instead of a series of e-mails, we would have had a running dialogue.
I'ld better stop right there. My relational thinking is taking this to places that it must not go.
No real point or inspiration here, just a simple Aspie ramble.
Do you wonder why I brought this up now? My wife was going through and shredding old files and trying to decide what to keep. She found my old employment records and the e-mail thread was in there.
Later,
Adam Parmenter
Sep 8, 2006
Cheer Up Sunshine
Great.
I have a cheerleader. I was at a training event yesterday, and one individual decided that I looked grumpy and that she was going to cheer me up. She said so out loud as she entered the room, "Why are you so grumpy!? I'll cheer you up."
You know, if we all wore some kind of masks then know one could misunderstand what was on my face or take it upon themselves to change my disposition. Even so, why do people, usually women, take it upon themselves to re-engineer my disposition. Just so happened that I was quite tired, and felt like sitting and eating by myself.
Next, I should say something inspiring about how to deal with goof ball neurotypicals such as this. I have nothing wonderful other than ignore and continue on your way. There are goofy neurotypicals like this in every bunch.
Your real friends have taken them time to know and enjoy you as you are regardless of how your face looks. Instead of shouting out how they are going to change your disposition they'll take the time to ask, "How are you doing?" Real friends will ask that question and mean it.
Adam
I have a cheerleader. I was at a training event yesterday, and one individual decided that I looked grumpy and that she was going to cheer me up. She said so out loud as she entered the room, "Why are you so grumpy!? I'll cheer you up."
You know, if we all wore some kind of masks then know one could misunderstand what was on my face or take it upon themselves to change my disposition. Even so, why do people, usually women, take it upon themselves to re-engineer my disposition. Just so happened that I was quite tired, and felt like sitting and eating by myself.
Next, I should say something inspiring about how to deal with goof ball neurotypicals such as this. I have nothing wonderful other than ignore and continue on your way. There are goofy neurotypicals like this in every bunch.
Your real friends have taken them time to know and enjoy you as you are regardless of how your face looks. Instead of shouting out how they are going to change your disposition they'll take the time to ask, "How are you doing?" Real friends will ask that question and mean it.
Adam
Aug 30, 2006
Watch My Mouth!
I sat through a two day training on Microsoft Access at New Horizons Computer Training Center. It was actually quite useful really. That said, I realized that could understand what the teacher was saying when I watched his mouth.
At times I would work on other things, wright down notes and ideas, or edit a working data base that I need at my job. However, I found that if I really wanted to catch and understand each word (and what they meant together) it was best to watch his mouth.
That brings me back to the phenomenon of sensory scrambling.
I'm guessing that the visual reinforcement of the mouth movements reinforces the auditory input, especially sense some of the auditory and visual stimulus is being mixed up. By locking them together (watching a persons mouth), it essentially defeats the effects of scrambling.
Over the years, I've made an effort not to watch peoples mouths while they talk, because neurotypicals don't expect that kind of behavior. I have a routine that I follow of eye contact for a few second, look at mouth, look back at eyes, look away, look down, repeat. People then feel like they are having a normal conversation instead of being "drilled" with my eyes in one spot.
That said, in a class situation, I'm just going to get the most out of it that I can and watch the teachers mouth.
Adam
At times I would work on other things, wright down notes and ideas, or edit a working data base that I need at my job. However, I found that if I really wanted to catch and understand each word (and what they meant together) it was best to watch his mouth.
That brings me back to the phenomenon of sensory scrambling.
I'm guessing that the visual reinforcement of the mouth movements reinforces the auditory input, especially sense some of the auditory and visual stimulus is being mixed up. By locking them together (watching a persons mouth), it essentially defeats the effects of scrambling.
Over the years, I've made an effort not to watch peoples mouths while they talk, because neurotypicals don't expect that kind of behavior. I have a routine that I follow of eye contact for a few second, look at mouth, look back at eyes, look away, look down, repeat. People then feel like they are having a normal conversation instead of being "drilled" with my eyes in one spot.
That said, in a class situation, I'm just going to get the most out of it that I can and watch the teachers mouth.
Adam
Aug 29, 2006
Sleaping Through Transitions
My wife has always remarked that I have this habbit of taking a major nap right after a transition. It used to be that whenever we would make the drive to her parents house, I would then take some major naps over the next day or so. After 15 years of marriage, I don't do that as much any more.
After the last Sojourn concert, I took a nap, and then was in bed by 7 or 8pm.
I believe that it is part of the Aspie thought process, the way our minds work. Several things may be happening.
1. Is the sensory integration disorder part of Asperger. Because major changes bring in numerous changes in my paridgm, then I need extra brain power to integrate all the new data points into my paridgm or grid of life.
2. Also, sense Aspies think in images (pictures), then perhaps the Aspie brain is building new maps or re mapping the week ahead based on what has changed.
Better to shut down cognitive systems (i.e. go to sleep), and let the subcognitive do its background work.
Many Aspies may not be able to tell you how they feel about certain changes. I do feel a certain sense of loss over quiting Sojourn. Just as much I feel a sense of confusion. Sojourn is part of the fabric of who I am. It is a primary key in my relational database. It requires a major restructuring of what I believe about who I am.
So, while I sleep, a part of my brain is re-building data structures so that I can live a predicatable and well ordered life. In this case it will take a while.
I bet that's not how the neuro-typical world handles change.
Adam
After the last Sojourn concert, I took a nap, and then was in bed by 7 or 8pm.
I believe that it is part of the Aspie thought process, the way our minds work. Several things may be happening.
1. Is the sensory integration disorder part of Asperger. Because major changes bring in numerous changes in my paridgm, then I need extra brain power to integrate all the new data points into my paridgm or grid of life.
2. Also, sense Aspies think in images (pictures), then perhaps the Aspie brain is building new maps or re mapping the week ahead based on what has changed.
Better to shut down cognitive systems (i.e. go to sleep), and let the subcognitive do its background work.
Many Aspies may not be able to tell you how they feel about certain changes. I do feel a certain sense of loss over quiting Sojourn. Just as much I feel a sense of confusion. Sojourn is part of the fabric of who I am. It is a primary key in my relational database. It requires a major restructuring of what I believe about who I am.
So, while I sleep, a part of my brain is re-building data structures so that I can live a predicatable and well ordered life. In this case it will take a while.
I bet that's not how the neuro-typical world handles change.
Adam
Aug 21, 2006
Please, Join Me In Welcoming . . .
"Please join me in welcoming . . ." I get these e-mails with some regularity and they are often for high level employees.
I asked some one, "From your experience, they don’t really want us to “welcome” these top level people do they? I’m guessing it’s just a happy phrase not requiring a response. ?"
My wise coworker replied with, "Yep – just a happy phrase. I think it also implies supporting that person in their role."
I’m always so tempted to actually send an e-mail welcoming the person when they say, “Please join me in welcoming . . ." Now, when they ask us to welcome the new CEO and support him in his new role. . . Well, I have some thoughts/suggestions!
I should swing by for lunch.
Adam
I asked some one, "From your experience, they don’t really want us to “welcome” these top level people do they? I’m guessing it’s just a happy phrase not requiring a response. ?"
My wise coworker replied with, "Yep – just a happy phrase. I think it also implies supporting that person in their role."
I’m always so tempted to actually send an e-mail welcoming the person when they say, “Please join me in welcoming . . ." Now, when they ask us to welcome the new CEO and support him in his new role. . . Well, I have some thoughts/suggestions!
I should swing by for lunch.
Adam
Jul 17, 2006
Enough Said
It happened to me again.
I was talking to some and they asked me a small question. A question that should only take one min. or less to answer. Then I realized I had clocked in 3 min. and had wildly swerved off topic. I realized my error and pulled it back around, quickly finishing up in under five min.
I remember when I was in college. I would be doing my laundry and some poor slob would enter the laundry room and say, "So! How you doing?".
Blahdy, blahdy . . . . . .
I would tell them everything. The question was so general I would unload the sum total of my knowledge. Relational thinking would ease from one topic to the next, often without finishing the previous one. Then the person would leave and I would feel a little dirty.
"Why did I tell them all of that stuff? They don't care about all that junk? What's wrong with me?"
I remember that little phrase purring through my grey matter with regularity: "What's wrong with me?"
"O.K. I'll just talk less. That would be good."
Next guy walks in the laundry room and it starts over. It like I was a druggy getting my fix and feeling the guilt the next day. I was convinced that something was wrong with my brain. I decided that I was defective, but had no clue how to fix myself.
That's why the whole Asperger thing has been a life changing realization. Not on the same level as a relationship with God, but it has given me the ability to give myself a break. There is nothing there that I can FIX in one sense. Asperger has a good side and a difficult side.
I have gained valuable information. Simply wanting to say things does not indicate that everything I say has value at all times. So, armed with this information, I purposely block words and consider them twice before letting them through. I change that rule when I'm on stage and I'm really in the zone, then I let it all fly out. Sometimes I'm on stage and I can tell I need to watch what I say, because I'm getting lots of junk. In those cases, I'll go reuse things I've said before in those situations.
The wrap up idea is that I don't give in to every urge simply because it is an urge (how unAmerican of me).
Enough said.
I was talking to some and they asked me a small question. A question that should only take one min. or less to answer. Then I realized I had clocked in 3 min. and had wildly swerved off topic. I realized my error and pulled it back around, quickly finishing up in under five min.
I remember when I was in college. I would be doing my laundry and some poor slob would enter the laundry room and say, "So! How you doing?".
Blahdy, blahdy . . . . . .
I would tell them everything. The question was so general I would unload the sum total of my knowledge. Relational thinking would ease from one topic to the next, often without finishing the previous one. Then the person would leave and I would feel a little dirty.
"Why did I tell them all of that stuff? They don't care about all that junk? What's wrong with me?"
I remember that little phrase purring through my grey matter with regularity: "What's wrong with me?"
"O.K. I'll just talk less. That would be good."
Next guy walks in the laundry room and it starts over. It like I was a druggy getting my fix and feeling the guilt the next day. I was convinced that something was wrong with my brain. I decided that I was defective, but had no clue how to fix myself.
That's why the whole Asperger thing has been a life changing realization. Not on the same level as a relationship with God, but it has given me the ability to give myself a break. There is nothing there that I can FIX in one sense. Asperger has a good side and a difficult side.
I have gained valuable information. Simply wanting to say things does not indicate that everything I say has value at all times. So, armed with this information, I purposely block words and consider them twice before letting them through. I change that rule when I'm on stage and I'm really in the zone, then I let it all fly out. Sometimes I'm on stage and I can tell I need to watch what I say, because I'm getting lots of junk. In those cases, I'll go reuse things I've said before in those situations.
The wrap up idea is that I don't give in to every urge simply because it is an urge (how unAmerican of me).
Enough said.
Jul 13, 2006
What is Asperger Syndrome?
Just ran across an interesting entry on the Web Dictionary Wikipedia.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger%27s_syndrome
Take a look at it and tell me what you think. Wikipedia allows for user input.
Also, all you Aspies who are wondering, "Why is it called Wikipedia?"
From the Hawaiian word wiki which means fast or quick.
Adam
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger%27s_syndrome
Take a look at it and tell me what you think. Wikipedia allows for user input.
Also, all you Aspies who are wondering, "Why is it called Wikipedia?"
From the Hawaiian word wiki which means fast or quick.
Adam
Jul 12, 2006
No More Chit Chat! - Part III
I was in the Men's bathroom washing my hands, and another man walked up to the sinks to wash his hands. He was a big guy with a deep booming voice, which echoed through the bathroom. So, it was hard to hear him.
Other guy: How you doing
Me: Fine
I continue to wash my hands, and then my brain pops up an alert indicating that I need to query him as a sign of good will. I comply with my brain:
Me: How 'bout you?
His boomy, echoing response was garbled because as he spoke his face was pointed toward the sink and mirror. He must have said something pleasant, because after he made his comment, he laughed a good natured deep throated chuckle. It bounced around the porcelain tile of the Mensroom like a bass player's low note during a concert soundcheck. I had no idea what he said, but I laughed as well to show that I was engaged and meant him pleasant . . . . . stuff.
He finished washing his hands before I did, and as he left the bathroom he said, "You have a good one."
In my mind I thought 'Good one what!', but out loud I said, "You too."
It was rather unpleasant as it was quite without meaning. The words were that is. I'm finding that there are whole word based rituals intended to show good will and pleasant intentions among strangers. It's not the words that are important, but the fact that you are willing to engage in the ritual and meaningfully fulfill its activities.
The person with whom you converse doesn't gain any information from it, but it creates an initial positive feeling that may allow for more substantive conversation at a later time.
Aspies, be aware! With some neuro-typical people that you meet for the first time there may be numerous word rituals required before you have any conversations that are enjoyable to you. Do you best. It is worth it, because it builds relationships.
I know, it doesn't make any sense! Remember Aspies are from Mars and Neurotypicals are from Earth. We need to learn their language. It is all worth while, when you've built some close personal friendships. Relationships in which you have invested time and effort, and the day comes that you have an absolute meltdown. Then all the effort and ritual will have been worth it, because your friends will have grown to love you and will invest in you the time that you deserve as well.
Any questions or comments? Click the comment link or e-mail me adam@sojournband.com
Adam
Other guy: How you doing
Me: Fine
I continue to wash my hands, and then my brain pops up an alert indicating that I need to query him as a sign of good will. I comply with my brain:
Me: How 'bout you?
His boomy, echoing response was garbled because as he spoke his face was pointed toward the sink and mirror. He must have said something pleasant, because after he made his comment, he laughed a good natured deep throated chuckle. It bounced around the porcelain tile of the Mensroom like a bass player's low note during a concert soundcheck. I had no idea what he said, but I laughed as well to show that I was engaged and meant him pleasant . . . . . stuff.
He finished washing his hands before I did, and as he left the bathroom he said, "You have a good one."
In my mind I thought 'Good one what!', but out loud I said, "You too."
It was rather unpleasant as it was quite without meaning. The words were that is. I'm finding that there are whole word based rituals intended to show good will and pleasant intentions among strangers. It's not the words that are important, but the fact that you are willing to engage in the ritual and meaningfully fulfill its activities.
The person with whom you converse doesn't gain any information from it, but it creates an initial positive feeling that may allow for more substantive conversation at a later time.
Aspies, be aware! With some neuro-typical people that you meet for the first time there may be numerous word rituals required before you have any conversations that are enjoyable to you. Do you best. It is worth it, because it builds relationships.
I know, it doesn't make any sense! Remember Aspies are from Mars and Neurotypicals are from Earth. We need to learn their language. It is all worth while, when you've built some close personal friendships. Relationships in which you have invested time and effort, and the day comes that you have an absolute meltdown. Then all the effort and ritual will have been worth it, because your friends will have grown to love you and will invest in you the time that you deserve as well.
Any questions or comments? Click the comment link or e-mail me adam@sojournband.com
Adam
Jul 6, 2006
No More Chit Chat! - Part II
No More Chit Chat! Part II
Goof ball date words:
“Drive safely”
This is usually said at the conclusion of the date. It’s really a verbal way to close the date with positive feelings. Your date or you could more logically say, “This now concludes our date.” I remember when I was still dating, and a girl would say, “Drive safe.” I would think, “What have I done that gave her the impression that I would drive in some recless fashion on the way home?”
Here’s what typically would happen at the end of the date:
Girl: Drive safe
Me: What do you expect me to do, drive up a tree?
Adam walks away.
It wasn’t until I had been married for a while that I figured out that when girls said "Drive safe," they were just making a closure statement that expressed their affection or like for me. So the words didn’t make sense to me because it was a social word. The expected response might be for me to “Thanks I will”, “Goodnight”, or not say anything: just smile and walk off.
“Do you like my outfit?”
What! are you kidding? That question always presupposes the answer of YES. The girl asking the question never, never wants you to say, “Wow, that outfit is butt ugly!” or “No, but I’m not wearing it, you are. Do you like it?” Or “No, what are my other options for your outfit tonight?”
There might be a time when your wife or some one you know very well really wants to know what you think, but there are ways to answer the question that won’t offend the typical person:
“I like some of your other outfits better than this one.” O.K. Aspie. You only want to make statements of fact. You hate speaking in ways that are meant just to stroke someone’s ego. That might not be true for you, but it is for me. But, it is probably true that there are certain outfits that you like on your wife. “I like the way you look, but I don’t enjoy that outfit on you as much.” Or “You look great. The outfit on the other hand is o.k.” Or maybe you do like the outfit, and you can say so.
But if there is a girl you don’t know really well or haven’t been dating for long, she isn’t really asking a question. She is saying “Tell me you like my outfit” in a way that saves her pride. Just say, “You look nice.” Everybody looks nice.
“Did you like my [enter food item here]?”
When I was dating, a girlfriend made me lasagna. I bet it started with her saying, “Do you like lasagna?” My mom used to make lasagna several times a year as I was growing up. Whenever she made it, dinner was a major family event. Mom’s lasagna was legendary. The only person that can equal my mom’s lasagna is my wife.
Lasagna comes in a rectangular pan. It is cooked in layers of pasta, sauce, ground beef, Ricotta and toped with mozzarella cheese. My girlfriend served me lasagna in a round bowl with blobs of Ricotta plopped on the top of the sauce. No mozzarella on top. That was not how lasagna is supposed to look (And all Aspies shouted AMEN!).
So I made the mistake of telling her that it tasted o.k., but it wasn’t like moms. I answered the question honestly and factually.
Took a while for that unhappy girlfriend to feel better about herself and our relationship.
Now as a more enlightened adult, I would either say, “It tasted good” or “It was nice”. Everything is nice to some degree.
Social talk is not precise, but is meant to convey positive feelings in a general way. Aspies, if you want to maintain healthy relationships, you will need to understand how to respond to these vagaries in a way that satisfies your desire for truth, and satisfies your partner's need for a positive emotional feeling.
Later,
No More Chit Chat! - Part I
No More Chit Chat!
"So, how you been,"
"Fine, and you?"
"Fine." In actuallity I may be dying of a fatal and highly contagious disease, but I know you really could care less.
"So, what do you do?"
"Oh, I work at Blemish Pharmaceuticals"
Meet an acquaintance while walking outside on the sidewalk. The person says "So, hot enough for you?"
Inane passerby chat (typically made in light conversation when you meet some one in the hall or on the street)
So, what if the weather isn’t hot enough for me? Can anyone really do anything about the weather? I know an Aspie that will say the word “cows” when he walks up to me. Asking me if I am satisfied with the weather is just about as meaningful. Sayoing "cows" is just unexpected. It’s expected to come up and say something inane about the weather so typical people aren’t surprised or confused by it. They would be surprised or confused if I just said “glomph” when I met some one.
“Hey, let’s do lunch.”
When I lived in the Chicago area and I ran into a work acquaintance or had a business meeting at a bar or restaurant, people would always say, “Let’s do lunch sometime”.
It really just meant “Positive feelings to you. End of personal contact.” Typical people and even a lot of Aspies would be surprised and confused if I said, "End of personal contact."at the end of a personal contact. It would be more precise, but socially, incongruis.
Typical people want a way to close a personal contact so they say thing like, “See you later” or “Call me sometime.” Or “Don’t be a stranger.” It gives typical people a comfortable sense that the personal contact was concluded in a positive way.
For a while, I had this growing list of people that I thought wanted to have lunch with me. I felt kind of bad that I hadn’t gotten around to calling them, and was worried how I could afford going out to lunch that much. I don’t know if anyone of those people really wanted to do lunch. That bugged me, once I figured that one out.
I remember once I called a former coworker and said, “Let’s do lunch.” I meant what I said, but the former coworker was a neuro-typical. She never showed up at the restaurant. “Let’s do lunch,” doesn’t mean let’s do lunch so she didn’t.
Neurotypicals are soo goofy.
More later.
Adam Parmenter
DON'T TALK!
I’m sitting in a meeting at work with lots of people. There is really nothing for me to say, but in true Aspie form, I have a comment for every topic and every statement some one says. It’s that relational thinking again. I’m also sitting here wondering everybody’s anthropological and linguistic origins. Why does the presenter talk so quietly and pronounce things the way he does. He sounds like he’s from Canada. Some one asked him to speak up. His volume went up slightly. I can produce enough volume to make people's ears bleed. Is that nature or nurture?
I’m off track here.
I have to keep reminding myself that I have nothing of business value to say. I keep telling my brain, “Don’t Talk.” I’m constantly telling myself, "Don't Talk". I picture an office worker at a desk inside my head. All of my comments are reviewed by this worker, and most of them are tossed in the trash. Some of them a forwarded on to my mouth.
I’m discovering that not all Aspies have that function operating in their mind. When I was a young person, I let everything come out of my mouth. I dominated conversations, and if no one tried to stop me, would speak nearly non-stop. One of my elementary school teachers called it diarrhea of the mouth. It all goes back to relational thinking. Words relate to more words in an endless stream of words and ideas, without thought to the relationship to people.
There is this constant urge to amass and then disgorge information. That’s the easy part, the hard part is understand who really wants or needs the information, and what parts of the information. I want to tell them everything that I know about a topic. Sometimes, nothing that I have to say is useful. That’s frustrating to realize, and I may irrationally start feeling put off. I start wondering, “Why doesn’t anyone want to hear what I have to say. No one ever lets me talk.” Often that isn’t true. In fact, the truth is that I don’t have anything to say that people will receive as valuable.
As an Aspie it helps to have a place in which everything you want to say is important and wanted. A personal journal is a starting point. Some Aspies hate to write with pen and paper, so they could keep a personal journal on the computer or talk into a recording device. I find my personal journal is often a “rant”. Nice place to have an Apsie melt down. I can say anything I want and then turn the page and move on. Journaling also helps me get a swirl down on paper, and make a little more sense out of it. Sometimes, it’s easier to pray this way. Especially if I can’t get my thoughts to run in any clear order, I find I can pray to God by writing it down. Often just letting it all pour out into my journal starts out as an Aspie meltdown, then turns to more thoughtful discussion as I work through stuff, then ends up as a praying to God in print. It can be quite cathartic.
For me, I find keeping a blog (which you are reading right now) is quite helpful. It’s an opportunity for me to disgorge on a topic. Anyone can set up a blog for free, and blog about any area of interest. I find that I have a lot to say about lots of different things. I’m also surprised that every so often, people really appreciate this or that blog. Every Aspie could have a blog as long as they can type. If they can’t type, there are ways to set up Audio blogs. Again, audio blogs can be set up for free. Almost every computer has a microphone input, and most every lap top computer has a built in microphone.
Writing this blog while I’m in the business meeting is helping me manage my emotions and behavior.
Finally, since most Apsies have an area(s) of interest, there is opportunity (as amateur or professional) to speak, teach or (in my case) preach to groups. An Aspie might like to write articles on an area of interest. Listen, fellow Aspies, you DO have something of value to say. Find the place and time that works for both you and your audience.
Adam Parmenter
I’m off track here.
I have to keep reminding myself that I have nothing of business value to say. I keep telling my brain, “Don’t Talk.” I’m constantly telling myself, "Don't Talk". I picture an office worker at a desk inside my head. All of my comments are reviewed by this worker, and most of them are tossed in the trash. Some of them a forwarded on to my mouth.
I’m discovering that not all Aspies have that function operating in their mind. When I was a young person, I let everything come out of my mouth. I dominated conversations, and if no one tried to stop me, would speak nearly non-stop. One of my elementary school teachers called it diarrhea of the mouth. It all goes back to relational thinking. Words relate to more words in an endless stream of words and ideas, without thought to the relationship to people.
There is this constant urge to amass and then disgorge information. That’s the easy part, the hard part is understand who really wants or needs the information, and what parts of the information. I want to tell them everything that I know about a topic. Sometimes, nothing that I have to say is useful. That’s frustrating to realize, and I may irrationally start feeling put off. I start wondering, “Why doesn’t anyone want to hear what I have to say. No one ever lets me talk.” Often that isn’t true. In fact, the truth is that I don’t have anything to say that people will receive as valuable.
As an Aspie it helps to have a place in which everything you want to say is important and wanted. A personal journal is a starting point. Some Aspies hate to write with pen and paper, so they could keep a personal journal on the computer or talk into a recording device. I find my personal journal is often a “rant”. Nice place to have an Apsie melt down. I can say anything I want and then turn the page and move on. Journaling also helps me get a swirl down on paper, and make a little more sense out of it. Sometimes, it’s easier to pray this way. Especially if I can’t get my thoughts to run in any clear order, I find I can pray to God by writing it down. Often just letting it all pour out into my journal starts out as an Aspie meltdown, then turns to more thoughtful discussion as I work through stuff, then ends up as a praying to God in print. It can be quite cathartic.
For me, I find keeping a blog (which you are reading right now) is quite helpful. It’s an opportunity for me to disgorge on a topic. Anyone can set up a blog for free, and blog about any area of interest. I find that I have a lot to say about lots of different things. I’m also surprised that every so often, people really appreciate this or that blog. Every Aspie could have a blog as long as they can type. If they can’t type, there are ways to set up Audio blogs. Again, audio blogs can be set up for free. Almost every computer has a microphone input, and most every lap top computer has a built in microphone.
Writing this blog while I’m in the business meeting is helping me manage my emotions and behavior.
Finally, since most Apsies have an area(s) of interest, there is opportunity (as amateur or professional) to speak, teach or (in my case) preach to groups. An Aspie might like to write articles on an area of interest. Listen, fellow Aspies, you DO have something of value to say. Find the place and time that works for both you and your audience.
Adam Parmenter
Jun 27, 2006
TALKING ABOUT IT WILL NOT HELP!
Note: This post is a general rambling mix of loosely related thoughts.
I read once that when an Aspie is upset he/she needs a time of quiet so that the emotions of the moment can calm down. It is a disturbing thing to feel my emotions start to wind out of control. It happens rarely. I think that my children consider me tough but fair. I’ll have to double check that.
Once my son looked at a buddy of his and said, “My dad was serious. Don’t push it.” Once I think one of my kids said, “Don’t mess with dad.” Part of that is due to my Aspie mind working not in shades of desires, preferences or wishes, but in rules and facts. Make no mistake I experience emotions, but when I give a direction to one of my children, a staff member or a student, the request or direction is accompanied (at least in my mind) by a set of parameters or standards.
For example, the staff member standard is different from the child standard. I expect a free exchange of ideas from my direct reports. I want them to disagree and even challenge my directions if they don’t believe I am operating in the best interests of the company.
However, when I give a direction to one of my children, the rules set in my head allows for:
*Clarifying question (one of two)
*Limited respectful discussion
*Obedience
So, in that case my reaction to my children or a staff member are based on if certain standards have or have not been met. If a staff member does not express their opinion, I will solicit it and encourage them to become individually engaged. However, I don’t tolerate the same level of engagement from my children, because of a sense of a need for respecting authority.
In some ways it works like math or a computer program.
The up side is that I tend to be a principled man. I decide and act on principals that are clear (at least to me). However that can end up leaving an impression that I’m cold.
My daughter got a sliver in her foot while walking bare foot. My response to her was, I’ve told you numerous times to wear something on your feet here. You’ll want to do so next time.
My factual statement didn’t help, and she promptly went to her mother to be comforted. Being comforted did not remove the sliver from her foot nor prevent her from future slivers. However, I came to understand a basic principal. Injured children first want comfort, then ministration to their injury, and they don’t want a lecture.
I can implement that standard and operate accordingly. I don’t know if I’ll ever have an emotional understanding of it.
I read once that when an Aspie is upset he/she needs a time of quiet so that the emotions of the moment can calm down. It is a disturbing thing to feel my emotions start to wind out of control. It happens rarely. I think that my children consider me tough but fair. I’ll have to double check that.
Once my son looked at a buddy of his and said, “My dad was serious. Don’t push it.” Once I think one of my kids said, “Don’t mess with dad.” Part of that is due to my Aspie mind working not in shades of desires, preferences or wishes, but in rules and facts. Make no mistake I experience emotions, but when I give a direction to one of my children, a staff member or a student, the request or direction is accompanied (at least in my mind) by a set of parameters or standards.
For example, the staff member standard is different from the child standard. I expect a free exchange of ideas from my direct reports. I want them to disagree and even challenge my directions if they don’t believe I am operating in the best interests of the company.
However, when I give a direction to one of my children, the rules set in my head allows for:
*Clarifying question (one of two)
*Limited respectful discussion
*Obedience
So, in that case my reaction to my children or a staff member are based on if certain standards have or have not been met. If a staff member does not express their opinion, I will solicit it and encourage them to become individually engaged. However, I don’t tolerate the same level of engagement from my children, because of a sense of a need for respecting authority.
In some ways it works like math or a computer program.
The up side is that I tend to be a principled man. I decide and act on principals that are clear (at least to me). However that can end up leaving an impression that I’m cold.
My daughter got a sliver in her foot while walking bare foot. My response to her was, I’ve told you numerous times to wear something on your feet here. You’ll want to do so next time.
My factual statement didn’t help, and she promptly went to her mother to be comforted. Being comforted did not remove the sliver from her foot nor prevent her from future slivers. However, I came to understand a basic principal. Injured children first want comfort, then ministration to their injury, and they don’t want a lecture.
I can implement that standard and operate accordingly. I don’t know if I’ll ever have an emotional understanding of it.
Jun 22, 2006
In the Dark. Literally
Some days I get to work a little after 6am. It’s still dark and the plant where I work is silent except for the lights on the buildings and towers. Isn’t that a weird way of saying it? To me when it’s dark it’s also silent. The manufacturing plant is never silent. Large fermentation and other machinery are always running. Yet as I walked toward my office building in the half light it seemed quiet.
I wonder if that mixed way of saying things is just me, an Aspie way of speaking, or some aspect of sensory jumbling? Temple Grandon wrote an interesting paper on sensory jumbling and other sensory difficulties http://www.autism.org/temple/visual.html).
When I was a child I always enjoyed getting up very early for a vacation. Everything was veiled in dimness. Even the cabin lights in the plane were kept low. It seemed peaceful. Today, I walk into my office building, and everything is dark accept for street light illuminating the windows. I leave the lights off and enjoy the enveloping quiet. I have a small desk lamp in my cubicle for just those times.
I remember as a kid people would say, “Don’t you want the lights on?” They would be switching all of the lights on as they said this, which really means that either they want the lights on or they want me to want the lights on. I was never sure which, and they never give me a chance to say no. Sometimes I would turn them back off, but they would usually get switched on by the same person or a new person waltzing by.
This morning the quiet of the twilight peace lasted about 5 min. A coworker switched on all the lights and the brightness shouted into my mind. Not all of the peace is gone. There is a certain spiritual peace that I can reach and nurture inside my mind. That is a peace that I treasure when all the lights are shouting.
Adam Parmenter
adam@sojournband.com
http://www.sojournband.com
I wonder if that mixed way of saying things is just me, an Aspie way of speaking, or some aspect of sensory jumbling? Temple Grandon wrote an interesting paper on sensory jumbling and other sensory difficulties http://www.autism.org/temple/visual.html).
When I was a child I always enjoyed getting up very early for a vacation. Everything was veiled in dimness. Even the cabin lights in the plane were kept low. It seemed peaceful. Today, I walk into my office building, and everything is dark accept for street light illuminating the windows. I leave the lights off and enjoy the enveloping quiet. I have a small desk lamp in my cubicle for just those times.
I remember as a kid people would say, “Don’t you want the lights on?” They would be switching all of the lights on as they said this, which really means that either they want the lights on or they want me to want the lights on. I was never sure which, and they never give me a chance to say no. Sometimes I would turn them back off, but they would usually get switched on by the same person or a new person waltzing by.
This morning the quiet of the twilight peace lasted about 5 min. A coworker switched on all the lights and the brightness shouted into my mind. Not all of the peace is gone. There is a certain spiritual peace that I can reach and nurture inside my mind. That is a peace that I treasure when all the lights are shouting.
Adam Parmenter
adam@sojournband.com
http://www.sojournband.com
Jun 20, 2006
Wonderfully Made - Intrinsic Value
I remember all of the years that I spent thinking that something was wrong with me. You know, broken, warped, screwed up. I'm a mess. I believed that I needed to find the right combination of things so that suddenly I would be fixed.
All of that time I knew and intellectually believed the Bible when it says, ". . . I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." All human life is made by God, and for that reason is of value. God's creation should always be cherished, protected, enjoyed, and valued.
I kept seeing and sensing that I was different. Not just because I was goofy and had a weird sense of humor. I felt that there were distinct, but undependable differences between me and the typical world around me.
"If I'm so different", I thought, "that must be bad. Something about me is bad."
I look back on those days and feel sad. It makes me sad that I knew and believed the Bible, but couldn't experience the joy of being God's creation or the satisfaction of having been forgiven by God and considered His child. It all hinged on knowing that there was something "wrong" and not being able to figure out what it was.
Discovering Asperger syndrome was truly liberating for me. It lent logic and reason to who I was and gave me the missing piece to a life long puzzle. Nothing broken. Nothing wrong. I am who I was made to be, and that's o.k.
Discovering Asperger syndrome and growing to accept myself doesn't make the truth about God any more or less true. It was always true that God loves me, and that God made me for a reason and with a purpose in life. I just was not willing to accept it without more evidence or understanding.
These days I'm trying to learn from that experience. First, I want to learn somehow to accept what I believe to be truth from Bible at face value. It's hard when my personal circumstances don't back up what I believe. Every time in my life, God's Word (the Bible) has turned out to be true.
I also want to learn to see and understand the value in every person. Every person has been made by God. There is something of value in everyone.
Adam Parmenter
All of that time I knew and intellectually believed the Bible when it says, ". . . I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." All human life is made by God, and for that reason is of value. God's creation should always be cherished, protected, enjoyed, and valued.
I kept seeing and sensing that I was different. Not just because I was goofy and had a weird sense of humor. I felt that there were distinct, but undependable differences between me and the typical world around me.
"If I'm so different", I thought, "that must be bad. Something about me is bad."
I look back on those days and feel sad. It makes me sad that I knew and believed the Bible, but couldn't experience the joy of being God's creation or the satisfaction of having been forgiven by God and considered His child. It all hinged on knowing that there was something "wrong" and not being able to figure out what it was.
Discovering Asperger syndrome was truly liberating for me. It lent logic and reason to who I was and gave me the missing piece to a life long puzzle. Nothing broken. Nothing wrong. I am who I was made to be, and that's o.k.
Discovering Asperger syndrome and growing to accept myself doesn't make the truth about God any more or less true. It was always true that God loves me, and that God made me for a reason and with a purpose in life. I just was not willing to accept it without more evidence or understanding.
These days I'm trying to learn from that experience. First, I want to learn somehow to accept what I believe to be truth from Bible at face value. It's hard when my personal circumstances don't back up what I believe. Every time in my life, God's Word (the Bible) has turned out to be true.
I also want to learn to see and understand the value in every person. Every person has been made by God. There is something of value in everyone.
Adam Parmenter
Jun 5, 2006
What If They Are All Dead?
I remember when I was young, between the ages of 5 and 10 years old, my dad was taking me and an older brother in the pickup truck to go visit a farm. I don’t remember why we were going there or even if it was just one of several stops. We pulled into the drive way. Straight ahead was a traditional style barn and to our right was a house. I remember the day was overcast, and the wind was teasing the trees in ebbs and flows. It triggered scenarios from scary movies and so out of my mouth came the words, “What if they are all dead.”
My brother looked at me and said, “You’re sure morbid.”
That is the end of my memory. I may have asked my brother what morbid meant, but I probably already knew.
I had no wish for those individuals deaths. That would be wrong. I had no intended action in mind. It was relational thinking.
Relational thinking: It feels like an autonomic function. Like breathing.
I was introduced to some one whose last name was Nagel, my mind popped up the word Bagel, then Nosh (because the bakery chain called Bagel Nosh), then the picture of a Hassidic Jew who was Noshing on a bagel. . .
There is no intent or rationale behind this line of thinking. I think Temple Grandon said something like, it is not rational it is relational. Words or concepts with related sounds, images, or associated ideas naturally link together in a stream of consciousness experience in our minds.
The overcast sky and character of the wind as we pulled up triggered associations with television shows and movies. I can see it in my mind, an investigator pulls up to the home of an important witness. It’s TV so the weather is going to foreshadow the bad news that is about to come. The witness is dead. So are the guards. They’re all dead. Whoever did this was a professional. Etc. etc.
So what’ s the point? Relational thinking can create sort of an ADD environment if allowed to run out of control. If you’ve read Temple Grandon’s book Thinking In Pictures, you’ll remember she mentioned that if she didn’t try to control her thinking, her mind would just sort of wander off into a relational thinking world for hours. Hard to be productive in that case.
However, if you are investigating a crime, researching or searching for a solution, relational thinking can cause helpful ideas or even complete solutions to pop into your mind as if by inspiration. The Aspie brain has stored all sorts of details about all sorts of stuff, and hooked this data together by how they relate to each other. When an idea or question is introduced into the mind it triggers other data based on those relational hooks. An Aspie may or may not be aware that this is happening.
I bet Tony Atwood would really know, but my personal guess is that these relational hooks are created as the “normal” function of all brains. Aspies just have a greater access to it. It is part of the Aspie brain’s normal function to be much more aware of there thoughts.
My brother looked at me and said, “You’re sure morbid.”
That is the end of my memory. I may have asked my brother what morbid meant, but I probably already knew.
I had no wish for those individuals deaths. That would be wrong. I had no intended action in mind. It was relational thinking.
Relational thinking: It feels like an autonomic function. Like breathing.
I was introduced to some one whose last name was Nagel, my mind popped up the word Bagel, then Nosh (because the bakery chain called Bagel Nosh), then the picture of a Hassidic Jew who was Noshing on a bagel. . .
There is no intent or rationale behind this line of thinking. I think Temple Grandon said something like, it is not rational it is relational. Words or concepts with related sounds, images, or associated ideas naturally link together in a stream of consciousness experience in our minds.
The overcast sky and character of the wind as we pulled up triggered associations with television shows and movies. I can see it in my mind, an investigator pulls up to the home of an important witness. It’s TV so the weather is going to foreshadow the bad news that is about to come. The witness is dead. So are the guards. They’re all dead. Whoever did this was a professional. Etc. etc.
So what’ s the point? Relational thinking can create sort of an ADD environment if allowed to run out of control. If you’ve read Temple Grandon’s book Thinking In Pictures, you’ll remember she mentioned that if she didn’t try to control her thinking, her mind would just sort of wander off into a relational thinking world for hours. Hard to be productive in that case.
However, if you are investigating a crime, researching or searching for a solution, relational thinking can cause helpful ideas or even complete solutions to pop into your mind as if by inspiration. The Aspie brain has stored all sorts of details about all sorts of stuff, and hooked this data together by how they relate to each other. When an idea or question is introduced into the mind it triggers other data based on those relational hooks. An Aspie may or may not be aware that this is happening.
I bet Tony Atwood would really know, but my personal guess is that these relational hooks are created as the “normal” function of all brains. Aspies just have a greater access to it. It is part of the Aspie brain’s normal function to be much more aware of there thoughts.
Jun 4, 2006
I'm so sick of being an Aspie
Beginning of Rant
It's Sunday night and I'm going through Sunday sphincter. The transition from being a church worker and family guy, back into a pharmaceutical professional. I'm really sick of transition being a tough thing.
I'm tired of working to figure out social situations that seem to make sense to everyone else OR when something is completely logical to me, and everyone looks like I'm crazy.
Tired of wondering what the Neurotypicals get to feel inside their brains that I may never get to know. Sick of certain sensations being so overwhelming: smells, sounds, textures assaulting my senses and making me change the way I live.
Then I see a guy who has no legs below the knee or the family whose kid died at the age of 8. The husband whose wife died less than 24 hours after she gave birth to a baby.
I guess I should quit being such a big baby.
I don't think there is much of a cure. Diet has helped, and deep pressure should be good. There are no cures. Aspie is who I am, and I gave my neurotypical wife two Aspie children. They are great kids and I have a healthy marriage, but it's Sunday night, and I'm wishing I could just be like everyone else.
End of Rant.
Adam
It's Sunday night and I'm going through Sunday sphincter. The transition from being a church worker and family guy, back into a pharmaceutical professional. I'm really sick of transition being a tough thing.
I'm tired of working to figure out social situations that seem to make sense to everyone else OR when something is completely logical to me, and everyone looks like I'm crazy.
Tired of wondering what the Neurotypicals get to feel inside their brains that I may never get to know. Sick of certain sensations being so overwhelming: smells, sounds, textures assaulting my senses and making me change the way I live.
Then I see a guy who has no legs below the knee or the family whose kid died at the age of 8. The husband whose wife died less than 24 hours after she gave birth to a baby.
I guess I should quit being such a big baby.
I don't think there is much of a cure. Diet has helped, and deep pressure should be good. There are no cures. Aspie is who I am, and I gave my neurotypical wife two Aspie children. They are great kids and I have a healthy marriage, but it's Sunday night, and I'm wishing I could just be like everyone else.
End of Rant.
Adam
May 3, 2006
What if I had a bomb that could blow up the whole school.
I have a hypothetical story to tell you (in my typical rambling Aspie fashion):
Aidan has just been expelled, because he threatened to blow up the high school. His buddy Jacob also was kicked out because he was threatened to kill the football team. You are stunned because your Aspie child is good friends with Aidan and Jake. Aidan is autistic and fairly high functioning. Jake has never been "officially" diagnosed at school, but is in the process of going through testing. It looks like Jake will receive the ever popular PDD NOS designation, and school staff are resisting drafting a 504 plan. In fact last week you overheard one school staff say something like, "He's not disabled, he's just obstinate."
Are Aidan and Jake bad kids? Oops, not allowed to say bad anymore. Are Aidan and Jake a threat? The might be. The more revealing question is, what were Aidan and Jake intending by what they said?
Well, this little story of mine is not based on any specific historical event nor do I have credentials or research to back what I say. However, as an unofficially diagnosed Aspie with two clearly diagnosed children, I have my ears open to these things and this story is a composite of some things that I have heard.
So let's pretend, Aidan's actual statement was, "What if I had a bomb that could blow up the whole school. I could hide it in the principal’s office if it were the right size." A panicked student reported this to a guidance counselor after reading his statement on myspace.com. When questioned, Aiden said, "I was just thinking about blowing up the school."
Panick!
Now the police are involved. Aiden makes it worse for himself.
Police: "Son, where you planning to blow up the school."
Aiden: "Yes."
Police: "How were you planning on doing it?"
That was end for Aiden, because he was delighted to explain his plans in detail.
That’s what happened, but what was Aiden going to do?
Nothing. What was his intent? Nothing. There was no intent.
Aiden is an Aspie. From my experience our minds are constantly revolving through scenarios. We are constantly working through what-ifs.
I remember as a child sitting with my older brother on a commercial flight in a holding pattern over Lake Michigan. My brain started saying, “What if the plain crashed.” That came out of my mouth. In my mind I was considering how crashing on water would be different from cashing on land. I had no thought to the emotional component or tragedy of a plain crash. My brother was shocked that I would say that. Then my brain popped up a funny result. If we dropped a water softener into Lake Michigan in there it would give us a softer landing. Ha, ha, ha (nerdy Aspie humor about words). My brother, a neurotypical, didn’t find my humor funny at that point.
When I was a boy in the days before ATMs or internet banking, I would ride into town with mom or dad and wait in the car while they withdrew money for our various purchases we might need to make. As I sat there, my mind spun through various scenarios for the best way to rob a bank and get away with it.
So in my pretend example of Aiden, he intended nothing. He was going through an exercise in his brain, and planning out how, if he were evil, he would go about hiding a bomb powerful enough to blow up his school. For a kid like Aiden, this provided a lot of mentally stimulating exercise. How do you make a bomb powerful enough and small enough. He even did a little research, because it was interesting. He found it interesting enough that he wanted to tell some one about it. Aspies (and maybe all Autistics) feel compelled to divulge new information about their area of interest.
Aiden had no thought of the social impact of what he was saying, because blowing up schools is wrong. Of course he wasn’t going to do it. In his imagination he didn’t consider killing people. That’s offensive and wrong. He might find interest in the blast pattern and how the overpressure wave of the explosion would impact structures and if those structures would serve as shrapnel. How would that impact the human body, and who would survive? It was just interesting to think about.
What’s my point?
Parents, teachers, and care givers: Teach your Aspie children about what not to say in public. Aiden could have grown up and worked with other Aspies in a security firm, branch of the military or any other industry that needs people who can’t help but asking “What if”. His expulsion from school may jeopardize that.
God was kind to me in that he provided that my father was an airpline pilot. Between the age of 5 and 25 I spent time each year walking through metal detectors, and knowing that certain words would be perceived as a threat by airline personnel. If I ever said certain things out loud in the airport, I was gently reprimanded.
There were times however, that I said things that shocked people and didn’t understand why.
That said, this posting has gone on long enough. More later.
Adam M. Parmenter
P.S. If you are a parent, clinician or care giver for an individual who is in the High functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder classification (HASD), please swing by http://www.smartgroups.com/groups/hasdheros or send an e-mail to me so that you can join the HASD Heros group. Also, take a moment to visit my band’s web site http://sojournband.com/
Aidan has just been expelled, because he threatened to blow up the high school. His buddy Jacob also was kicked out because he was threatened to kill the football team. You are stunned because your Aspie child is good friends with Aidan and Jake. Aidan is autistic and fairly high functioning. Jake has never been "officially" diagnosed at school, but is in the process of going through testing. It looks like Jake will receive the ever popular PDD NOS designation, and school staff are resisting drafting a 504 plan. In fact last week you overheard one school staff say something like, "He's not disabled, he's just obstinate."
Are Aidan and Jake bad kids? Oops, not allowed to say bad anymore. Are Aidan and Jake a threat? The might be. The more revealing question is, what were Aidan and Jake intending by what they said?
Well, this little story of mine is not based on any specific historical event nor do I have credentials or research to back what I say. However, as an unofficially diagnosed Aspie with two clearly diagnosed children, I have my ears open to these things and this story is a composite of some things that I have heard.
So let's pretend, Aidan's actual statement was, "What if I had a bomb that could blow up the whole school. I could hide it in the principal’s office if it were the right size." A panicked student reported this to a guidance counselor after reading his statement on myspace.com. When questioned, Aiden said, "I was just thinking about blowing up the school."
Panick!
Now the police are involved. Aiden makes it worse for himself.
Police: "Son, where you planning to blow up the school."
Aiden: "Yes."
Police: "How were you planning on doing it?"
That was end for Aiden, because he was delighted to explain his plans in detail.
That’s what happened, but what was Aiden going to do?
Nothing. What was his intent? Nothing. There was no intent.
Aiden is an Aspie. From my experience our minds are constantly revolving through scenarios. We are constantly working through what-ifs.
I remember as a child sitting with my older brother on a commercial flight in a holding pattern over Lake Michigan. My brain started saying, “What if the plain crashed.” That came out of my mouth. In my mind I was considering how crashing on water would be different from cashing on land. I had no thought to the emotional component or tragedy of a plain crash. My brother was shocked that I would say that. Then my brain popped up a funny result. If we dropped a water softener into Lake Michigan in there it would give us a softer landing. Ha, ha, ha (nerdy Aspie humor about words). My brother, a neurotypical, didn’t find my humor funny at that point.
When I was a boy in the days before ATMs or internet banking, I would ride into town with mom or dad and wait in the car while they withdrew money for our various purchases we might need to make. As I sat there, my mind spun through various scenarios for the best way to rob a bank and get away with it.
So in my pretend example of Aiden, he intended nothing. He was going through an exercise in his brain, and planning out how, if he were evil, he would go about hiding a bomb powerful enough to blow up his school. For a kid like Aiden, this provided a lot of mentally stimulating exercise. How do you make a bomb powerful enough and small enough. He even did a little research, because it was interesting. He found it interesting enough that he wanted to tell some one about it. Aspies (and maybe all Autistics) feel compelled to divulge new information about their area of interest.
Aiden had no thought of the social impact of what he was saying, because blowing up schools is wrong. Of course he wasn’t going to do it. In his imagination he didn’t consider killing people. That’s offensive and wrong. He might find interest in the blast pattern and how the overpressure wave of the explosion would impact structures and if those structures would serve as shrapnel. How would that impact the human body, and who would survive? It was just interesting to think about.
What’s my point?
Parents, teachers, and care givers: Teach your Aspie children about what not to say in public. Aiden could have grown up and worked with other Aspies in a security firm, branch of the military or any other industry that needs people who can’t help but asking “What if”. His expulsion from school may jeopardize that.
God was kind to me in that he provided that my father was an airpline pilot. Between the age of 5 and 25 I spent time each year walking through metal detectors, and knowing that certain words would be perceived as a threat by airline personnel. If I ever said certain things out loud in the airport, I was gently reprimanded.
There were times however, that I said things that shocked people and didn’t understand why.
That said, this posting has gone on long enough. More later.
Adam M. Parmenter
P.S. If you are a parent, clinician or care giver for an individual who is in the High functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder classification (HASD), please swing by http://www.smartgroups.com/groups/hasdheros or send an e-mail to me so that you can join the HASD Heros group. Also, take a moment to visit my band’s web site http://sojournband.com/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
