Kindergarten

My first memory of school was my mother going to meet with the kindergarten teacher. I can't quite remember her name. Mom met with her while I went into the play area. I remember putting something into a toy pay phone just before a school bell rang. I thought I had somehow made the bell ring. I left that day full of gilt.

I don't think that is an Aspie thing.

I remember my first day of kindergarten (1970). I remember standing at the front of the class. Everything was a complete blur. I mean, I couldn't see. My vision was blurry. The next picture in my head is of me sitting on my sisters lap (she was in Mr. Hartzel's fifth grade class).

Here's something odd. Trying to remember things is always troubling. It makes me to try and reach that far back and remember things. I used to think it was because I had a hidden memory of some terrible event. I don't think that any more. I think that it is an Aspie thing. I not that social memories are going to be as confusing as social situations. Also, my ways of understanding are different from that of a child, and my ability to properly "feel" about those memories may be those impaired.

I do remember being somewhat clueless socially even then. I remember bringing a new game I had gotten to show and tell, but remember feeling hurt for some reason. I don't think a really understood what would happen during show and tell, when I would get to show, and how people would react.

I also remember, this one class mate who everyone thought was funny. One day I went to sit down in a chair and he kicked it out from under me. Everyone laughed. I thought, I will do that too, and everyone will laugh. Of course, when I did it I only managed to kick the chair a little bit so that when the person hit the floor their back scraped down the chair. They were hurt and everyone looked at me like I had done something bad.

It didn't seem right that the same actions would elicit two diametrically apposed reactions. No, as a five year old I don't think I thought it in quite those terms, but that's essentially what went through my head.

Clothes Make The Man

I tend to wear the same kinds of clothes most of the time. To me all clothing is a uniform. A uniform has functional use and signifies ones function or role. So, for me to change my clothes, I have to be willing to change into another part of me.

So, on Sundays if I'm digging the church ministry vibe (how's that for slang) I stay in the outfit that I wore to church. Especially if it feels like Sunday. By the same token, I don't want to wear my jeans out to landscape or do lawn work. I put on my "grubbies". Those are my clothing set aside for painting or for lawn work.

I was just thinking of that.

I wonder if that's why some of us Aspies will tend to just go to bed in our clothes. It's the transition. There have been times that I've gone to bed in my clothes and gone right to sleep. Then later, when I wake up at about 3 am (which I do about every night), I change into sleep wear. On those occasions if I would have changed into sleep wear right then, the transition from one me to the Time To Sleep me would have stirred me up a little. I wouldn't be as sleepy then. I don't do that every night.

We are very careful not to let our children sleep in their day clothes, because you can imagine that it could easily become a habit. If I wake up in the morning in my day clothes, I feel very strange. It's as if my sleeping didn't quite count because I never put on sleeping clothes.

Sounds weired huh? It's that whole Aspie thing in which internal things need to be externalized in order to be managed. I'm still coming to understand it.

Please post comments or questions if you would like. I'm curious if any others have had these experiences.

Adam

Highschool

A parent asked me if I ever struggled with home work when I was in high school. I remember one year it seemed like I had lunch time detention almost every day for not getting my homework done. I went to high school at Grace Christian school. In those days, the curriculum was from Accelerated Christian Education (ACE). A full year in each subject was divided into 12 magazine size booklets called paces. Each pace contained vocab, text, study questions, quizzes, and a final practice test. After each Pace was completed you took a separate test at a testing table for credit.

Each class had a teacher, and each teacher had a specialty. So that meant if I struggled in a particular subject I could go to that teacher for as much help as I needed.

Instead of moving from class to class each student worked in one of those library cubicle desks. Each day, I was set a goal for how many pages in each subject that I would do, and then what I didn't finish during school I was to finish at home. For each subject that wasn't completed you got a demerit. Three demerits meant you served lunch time detention.

I thrived on being able to stay at the same desk, set my own pace, and grade my own work. Ninth grade through the seniors where mixed together in the same classes. There were 120 students in grades 9-12. The small environment seemed to make for fewer clicks and an almost family environment.

No one bullied me or mocked me. I had friends, and I didn't have to worry about getting beat up.

It was way better than junior high.

But, now that I think about it. I never did very good on homework. I'm not sure that I really saw the point. I remember in Fourth grade I don't think that I ever turned in any assignments.

I struggle a little even now, but I've developed the will to push through and get things done. I've also picked up some tools along the way. The David Allen "Getting Things Done" program has really helped me.

Adam

It's Only Water Pt II

My wife pointed something about showers to me as we were talking on the way home from work. She thinks it's a transition thing. That makes a certain sense. It is a definite transition going from one thing and then into the shower thing.

Sometimes I take a bath when I get home so that I can take my time. I enjoy a bath better anyway. It's less to think about. A bath is one thing, a shower is lots of things shooting out of a shower, and how do I know if I'm rinsing everything right.

Just dunk me in some warm water instead, and it's a nice transition into a pair of sweats or jogging pants. Some nights when I come home I intend to stay in my work outfit until it’s nearly time for bed. Other nights I'm into something casual right away, and I have no intention of leaving the house.

I rarely change into an intermediate outfit such as jeans or something. I only own one pair of jeans anyway.

It's Only Water

A parent asked me if I ever resisted taking a shower as an Aspie child or teen.

I personally can't shower every day, because it makes my skin feel dried out, and then when the fabric of my clothing moves back and forth on me it creates an intolerable sensation. In the winter especially, when the heat is on and things dry out, I can only shower about every other day. So, for that reason, I too dislike taking showers, because if my skin dries out I can't escape it. There's nothing worse for an Aspie than an overwhelming sensation from which one is able to disengage.

I do enjoy baths, because it is like being buried, and I can warm up better. It's that whole desire for deep pressure. I've always wished the bathtub was deeper so that I could be completely covered with hot water. I used to squirt Vaseline intensive care oil into the bath water so that I wouldn't get dried out. That left a terrible ring in the tub though.

So, I was thinking, what if I was a parent of a teen who found it unpleasant to shower. Well, approaching it logically, there are really only one of two reasons to show (three if your married). One could be that you enjoy it or find it soothing. Then you would want to shower every night before bed just to relax. I know of people that shower every am and every pm, and enjoy the way it makes them feel.

The second reason is because people need to keep themselves clean. It's better for your health and keeps you from disturbing others with a smell that they find troubling. It really doesn't matter what smells I can or can not tolerate, if people around me can not tolerate the way I smell, then I need to fix it. Some people just load on the perfume and I have to keep a small distance from them (discretely so as not to offend). There was one time I was sitting in church and a man sat down in front of me. He was wearing an attractive suite actually. However, it smelled as if the suit had been used for a bed by a wet dog. It was a powerful odor (one of the reasons I really don't want to own a dog).

I tried to ignore it, but finally couldn't take it any more. My family was spread out along the entire row, so I quietly got up, walked to the back, and then re-entered on the other side of the row.

There are certain detergents that my wife can not use, because they have a powerful fragrance, and I can smell just the least hint of mildew on a towel (you know, that sour smell). Sometimes I put on a shirt and if it smells odd to me, I won't wear it. It just goes right back into the dirty clothes hamper.

Back to showering.

So, if you don't like to shower, but you don't want to offend people by being odoriferous, then you could do like the French do. When I visited France as a child, I noticed that the bathroom at the hotel had a toilet shaped sink called a bidet. It was for cleaning the parts of you that get smelly when you don't shower much.

Think of it, if you didn't shower for a month your knees and elbows wouldn't smell really, nor would a number of areas. If you don't have a bidet, then lay a towel in front of the sink in your bathroom, wash the smelly areas with a soapy clothe, and then rinse with a warm wet clothe, and dry yourself. The nice thing is you can take the wash clothes that you used, and the towel for drying yourself and roll them up inside the towel that you laid on the floor. Toss it all in the dirty clothes hamper and everything is neat and tidy.

It feels a little odd blogging about this, but it is a sensory issue. For some Aspies their senses are on over drive, and we get overwhelmed. There are ways to deal with that and not feel like you are a weirdo.

Let me know if you find this helpful or if you ever struggled with this. Maybe there is a way you dealt with this that other readers would like to learn about. Leave a comment.

Later,

Adam

Diet Is Making a Difference

Diet is not a "cure" for me, but it is making a remarkable difference. It is making a difference mainly in the area of chronic pain and my ability to sleep restfully through the night. I've also notice that my brain is "quieter" during the day.

It's a little odd. For the past three nights I have been up in the middle of the night having a coughing fit. Some nights I also have also had one right when I go to bed. I've been prescribed an anti-biotic for bronchitis. So, with that disruption in my sleep you think that I would be an absolute zombie. Surprisingly, I'm nearly as bad off as I should be.

I also don't have as much struggle with repetitive thoughts. I just feel more calm.

(remember this blog is just opinion and not meant as trained diagnosis)

Marge read Special Diets for Special Kids (click here to view my resource section). It discusses that there seems to be a connection between the Autism Spectrum and an intolerance to wheat protein (gluten) and dairy protein (casein). So about a year ago Marge and I started reducing the amount of wheat and dairy in our diets. Coincidentally, this is the best year my kids have had in terms of getting school work done.

I had also heard a doctor say that you crave what you are allergic to. Well I dump sauces on everything (catsup, mustard, hot sauce, salad dressing, mayonnaise). All those sauces have vinegar. There are people that are allergic to brewers yeast, so almost a month ago a cut out everything with brewers yeast. I also cut out eggs (just a wild guess).

I've also increased the portions of raw fruit and vegetables. That may be tough for some people in the Autism spectrum due to the textures. That said, I'm so intent on being healthy, that I just push the raw carrot in my mouth and chew. Eventually I'll like it.

The more I do the better I feel. So today, I decided to do a little research to see if there is hidden gluten in things. I found that there are ingredients that are called one thing, but are actually processed wheat proteins or may contain wheat.

I found it at a web site called How to Do Things. Click here to look at the information.

My children have been to a doctor in the area who specialized in individuals in the Autism Spectrum. They have had a blood test for food allergies and will get detailed results. I don't think insurance will pay for most of it, so I'm going to wait, but eventually I'll get the test as well.

What do I recommend (in my unqualified opinion)? Read Special Diets for Special Kids then hunt down other things about on the Internet and library. You'll finds more information than you know what to do with. Some of it is utter nonsense. It helps to swim in the data, because you'll start to develop a sense of what is reliable information and what is not.

After that you can start taking some guesses about what to eliminate or locate a doctor that does the blood test.

The blood test is helpful, because my one of my children told me that he didn't have a food allergy until the test results came back. In other words, "Prove it dad!"

Hyper-Sensative

I used to take pride in the fact that I heard everything and could figure out what it was, that I could tell where my wife had been by the smells that clung to her coat and hair. The volume knob on my senses is boosted a little higer than the average neurotypical. I understand that those of us in the "spectrum" are either hyper-sensative or hypo-sensative.

Did you like my cool buzzzzzz word? I'm in the spectrum (Autism Spectrum Disorder - ASD). Are you? This is the first time that I've ever been in. I was in the band Sojourn for nearly 15 years and I never felt like I was in the local music scene really, let alone a cool in singer guy.

I wish that I could turn the hyper-sensative part off whenever I wanted. When I walk into the men's room at work and I'm greeted by an odious cloud (i.e. it stanks), I can barely get out fast enough. Problem here. While at work it is incumbant upon me to exhibit a certain professionalism and also try and be as neruotypical acting as possible. I can't yell "Ugh" and bolt out of the men's panting and realling once I've made my escape. That kind of behavior could have career limiting consequences.

Today, I walked into the men's room to . . . alright I just say it. . . use the urinal. Well, the sink is right next to the urinal and there is only this little tiny wall in between. I don't do the whole, "Let's be naked together!" thing, and that includes hanging out with guys peeing or showering together. . .

I remember once I was at a county fair grounds, and I went to go . . . how do you say urinate politely. . . to take a tinkle. The "men's room" was a cinder block shed, and the one urinal was sort of an 8 foot long trough with water running on one end and a drain on the other. Who came up with that? It certainly wasn't an Aspie or some one in the Spectrum, I'll tell you that much. "Hey guys, I have an idea. Let's all drop our pants, stand next to each other, and pee in a trough!" Now you know why our society has problems, it's people that design eight foot urinals are also comming up with the Clapper or plaid polyester pants.

Anyway, so I walk into the bathroom and some one is at the sink. So, that means I have to step into a stall and wait until they leave, and then use the urinal. I felt like an infantryman in a cloud of mustard gas in World War I, the smell was so bad.

Maybe I should stop here.

Perhaps the point is. . .I'm not sure.

My wife did by me a pocket size can of Oust Dioderizer spray. I think I should just start carying it with me.

Adam

Paper and Pen

I actually love learning, but I've discovered that there is a difference between completing an assignment and learning a topic. So, I've learned to barrel through the assignment, and then go back and learn whatever I want to about the topic. At times I've re-read the text book (not often) or studied beyond the course topic through other resources.

I love pens and paper. I use the Zebra SARASA brand 0.7 point jell pen. Thankyou yes, I am nerdy. I hate the way a ball point pen scrapes across the texture on most paper. Pay attention some time. You can actually feel the texture of the paper vibrating up through the body of the pen. It's quite unpleasant. The jell pens on the other hand, don't pick up all that vibration.

For my 30th birthday, my wife bought me a nice heavy fancy ball point pen. I eventually misplaced it (much to my chagrin). I always feel wasteful throwing away a perfectly good pen body when just the ink cartridge has gone empty. The SARASA is refillable. I'll probably have to order the refills online though as the local office supply doesn't consistently carry it.

At first I was digging the Pilot jell pens, but the ink flow starts to get spotty before the cartridge is empty. The SARASA runs clean lines all the way to the end of the ink supply.

Do I sound nerdy or what!

I like paper. Special paper is fun to write on and send letters. I used to write two or three multi-page letters each Sunday night after church. I much prefer to do the bulk of my writing on a keyboard as my typing can keep up with my thinking. I still think in pen and paper. If I'm writing music (notation that is) it has to be a number 2 pencil, and a good sharpener to keep that point.

I love books and I want to read all of them. I mean it. If some one told me that I could have an operation that would make it so that I only needed an hour of sleep and then could be up the rest of the night speed reading I would jump at the chance. I find sleep boring and usually ache and feel groggy when I wake up.

That's not at all what I was going to write about.

More Later.

Adam

Sunglasses in the Office

I'm finding that I wear my sunglasses at my desk all the time now and I can actually read things on the computer screen comfortably. Also, in meetings, I put on my sunglasses if the words on the page are pulsing. It just cuts down on all the intensity.

I had heard about going to get a test done that would tell you the optimal tinting for your glasses so that it was easiest to read things. I've seen news shows about people whose lives were changed because they could finally see clearly with tinted glasses. Sometimes yellow tint. They look goofy, but if they work, let me at them. I'm not so sever that I haven't been able to survive, but I'm realizing how much discomfort that I put up as just a matter of life.

At home, we use lots of soft lighting and have very few bright overhead lights.

I don't suppose I can get everybody in my life to turn the lights down a little.

Adam

What exactly is he asking me to do?

I received an e-mail about a project on which I was working. It ended with this comment:

---We are planning a follow up for next year, so let me know if you have anything to report from your end.---

Uh…

It took me a second to process that one. All I could see in my mind was a picture of my own fanny. That's not a pretty site by any account. I was quite thankful that this coworker didn't say this in a face to face meeting.

Maybe I should wear sunglasses so that I can hide when something doesn't make sense to me.

Adam

Sunglasses are great!

I've noticed that the sunglasses help me feel less agitated by my environment. In my odd scrambled way, having the sunglasses make things seem a little quieter. Then I put in my earplugs and things are just so peaceful.

When I ride my bike and it's quite cold the earplugs help keep the cold air from whistling into my ears. So, as I was riding I realised that with my ear plugs (less sound) and sunglasses (less intense visual input), I felt like I was gliding through silk. I have often enjoyed walking (or running) in twilight. I remember as a child running through the neighborhood or woods at twilight playing some kind of game. I was hard to catch. When I ride my bike to work on the paved hiking trail and it's still dark, I find it peaceful and I can still ride fairly fast.

So, here I am walking across the campus with earplugs, sunglasses, and my cool hard hat. We are required to wear a hard hat when we are out and about, and it looks like a cool construction sit guy sort of thing. No one ever looks at me odd when they see the ear plugs, because there are areas with loud machines in which ear plugs are required.

It's peaceful not to have to hear the ten vehicles in various places or the various machines in operation that my brain is trying to categorize and understand. Instead it is filtered out and things are much more quiet. Peaceful. One day when I got back to my desk I left the sunglasses on for hours and even left the ear plugs in for a while.

It bothers some people when I have them on and talk to them. I like people to take their sunglasses off as well, when I talk to them, so I need to be sensitive to that.

I've worn my sunglasses during the last two movies I saw in the theatre. It's much more pleasant. Unless I'm near the back of the theatre I find movies hurt my eyes. It's also so visually intense that its hard to take it in. The sunglasses mellow out the brilliance and make it much more comfortable.

The problem now is that I have to make myself not wear them. It would be easy to hide inside them all the time. I could just relax inside my darkened world, and be at peace. Then I would be recluse and not a real person. I wouldn't be able to really have relationships or help anyone or serve God quite right, because you can't have a real relationship with some one if they can't look into your eyes.

Adam

Helloooo Sunglasses!

I've always avoided wearing sunglasses. I don't like speaking with people that are wearing them, because I can't see what their eyes are doing. It's also hard to imagine what my face looks like without eyes in it.

However, my father has suffered from Macular Degeneration, and has wisely advised me to start wearing them. There was also some extra flexible spending in my health account this year, so I purchased a pair of prescription sunglasses.

It has been a breakthrough.

The company in which I work has a large campus. Often I need to walk across campus to various meetings. Also walking across campus are various other people, and I never know what to do with my eyes.

When I am walking and a person I don't know is coming in the opposite direction when do I start looking at that person. If I look to early, then I am staring and the person will either be uncomfortable, offended, and think I know them some how. So, you don't want to look at the person too early (whenever that might be). So you have to look somewhere else. Normally, I look straight ahead. That way I don't fall down. If I do that then I'm looking at the person coming from the other direction, so I have to vary my gaze.

I could just not look at anyone, but then I'm being rude. Some people expect you to say hello or good morning(afternoon, day, etc). From to tough looking tradesmen (the ones that really look believable in a hard hat and tool belt), you often get abbreviated versions of hello such as
Hey
Hey'p
Hep
Uhhh
Yep

Never understood the "yep" one since I haven't asked them a question. You also have to know if the person you encounter is a waver, nod-upper, or nod-downer. I've noticed that most Caucasians nod their heads down (if they are nodders). O.K. spell check just tried to make me change nodders to dodders. What in the world is a dodder? Tradesmen and farmers tend to nod more than wave unless they are over a block away and not heading toward each other. Then they are too far away for a nod of the head and they wave. Minorities tend to nod up as a greeting and sign of initial respect.

If I'm in my own neighborhood in front of my own house and a person under the age of 20 walks or rides by, I always nod up and say "sup". Typically the other person does the same. Some times a quasi conversation takes place in which the other person says, "Namuch boutchu?" and I would say "Namuch man." Having thus exchanged greetings there is that general understanding that initial respect and positive emotions have been exchanged.

So, back to sun glasses.

With the sun glasses, I don't have to decide if or when to start looking at some one. If I want I can stare out into the trees and not worry that the other person coming toward me will think that I'm weird or offensive.

It makes for a much less stressful walk.

Adam

In 20 Min.

This is roughly how this conversation went at work:

Coworker: Can you show me how to use the Change Database in 20 min. I have a meeting.
Me: What are you asking for?
Coworker: I'm asking can you show me in 20 min.
Me: It is 12:45. Are you asking me to wait until 01:05 to show you this or are you asking that my demonstration be of less than 20 min. duration?

Show me in 20 min. Can easily mean two things, and the context (I have a meeting) didn't help at all. She could have had a short meeting, and wanted me to wait around until she got out.

So, I told her, "It's the Aspie thing, I didn't understand."

Her response was that it was o.k. She said most people don't understand and just pretend that they do.

Don't I know it.

Adam

Little Tiny Meltdown

Yesterday I was running late for work, but I still wanted coffee. I had the bright idea that I would make a pot of coffee. put some in this small metal thermous that I have, and strap it to the bag holder on the back of my bike. I've done that before.

I couldn't find the thermous. I new if Marge were here she could find it in less than five min. In my case, if it has been moved from its spot I can't always see it. Sometimes, things have been moved from the place were I normally put them, and are now in plain site. Just in a different place. I've been known to look right at something and not recognise it for what it is, because it is not where I expected it to be.

I was frozen, I had so planned on that coffee. I knew it was illogical, but it threw off my whole morning. I even castigated myself with sayings like, "Grow up jr. it's just coffee." That just made me angry.

So, I put the pot of coffee in the fancy caraf that we use (which I can not take on my bike), and pedalled off to work.

Sometimes I hate Asperger.

So, last night I got home from work, and my wife said, thanks for making me the pot of coffee. I explained that I was not so nobel as she thought. She found my metal thermous in under five min.

See, if I were a neurotypical, things couldn't be invisible on me. I could find what I want, when I wanted to. O.K., I know, a bunch of my neurtypicals are patronizingly saying, "Oh, we all loose things once in a while."

I hate it when people do that. In fact, I've heard it so much, I can hear it when they aren't saying it.

O.K. This post is nothing but an Aspie rant.

And I'm running late for work.

Later,

Adam

Surrounded by Smart Neurotypicals - Now What?

I agreed to be part of the Kalamazoo Public Library's "Read Together Program" in which everyone read the same book and talks about it, does art about it, etc. It might sound a bit odd at first glance, but it is a cool way to get people engaged in thinking through what they read instead of just reading. There is real value in working through the aspects of a books style and writing and its content.

Well, the book is called, "The Mysterious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time." It's about a boy with high functioning autism. I'm on the group because I'm in the ASD spectrum.

Well, I never felt so ASD in all my life. Normally I'm in groups of IT folks, engineers, Quality Assurance weenies, scientists. Instead I'm surrounded by library staff, educators, museum employees, book lovers, and advocates for the disabled. I introduced myself as being in the spectrum and having had fallen into some public speaking.

I worked hard at understanding the body language around me, but I couldn't. I assumed the worst. I'm just some idiot, what am I doing here with the educated elite? So, I tried to keep quiet, but just couldn't. Oddly enough, my ideas were well received, and afterward I was thanked. Also, some one said that they were changing some of their ideas based on one of my comments.

I know full well, that tonight I experienced, like never before, what the books call "mind blindness". I hated it. All of the methods I normally have for guessing or extrapolating what people might be thinking failed me in the rarefied air of the library environment.

I'm really intimidated. I love the arts, academia, and especially libraries.

Now , you might be thinking, this is a public blog, this is all out in the open now. Very true, but I'm committing to keeping a certain level of transparency, so that there is some incite into the Aspie mind. When a new group of people is also a new type of people, it is very un-nerving for an Aspie. I had the urge to leave, to say smart-alek comments, or just to rock back and forth. I did a little rocking when I got home. I repress it so much, but it really does feel nice.

There is really nothing that group of people could have done any better. I was made to feel welcomed, and my comments were welcomed. It will simply take me time to get used to them. In the meantime, I control my urges and filter my comments. In no time I'll fit right in.

I'm stepping so far out of my comfort zone, but i was telling my wife, this is what I'm all about. Helping people. This is it. God has given me Asperger, I want to use it to help others and in so doing bring the Lord pleasure.

Later,

Adam

Now that's disturbing - Halloween

I don't like Halloween anymore.

When I was a kid it seemed like a lot of fun. As an adult in my neighborhood, we get tons of kids (and teens) who are there to make a major candy haul. So, I don't know hardly any of the people who come to our door. The holiday has also taken on an even stronger occult and violent focus.

Then, at work, my coworkers dressed up as did my boss. It was disruptive for me. My boss didn't look like my boss, and the people with scary masks really bugged me.

Now, I would imagine that there are Aspies that just love dressing up and being some one else. I didn't say dressing up as some one else, but the act of dressing up transforms you into some one else. Aspies probably make great character actors. There could be a great deal of freedom in playing dress-up.

I do offer this caution: we Aspies are bright enough to know that we don't fit in. Many of us have come to accept and understand our condition, but there is still a sense of loss. Also, Aspies are often teesed and we don't typically understand why. It isn't logical. When I was in junior high, I had strong feelings of anger and a desire to get back at everyone who had rejected me. Here's the caution: It may not be wise to encourage an Aspie to act out his aggressive fantasies on Halloween by dressing up as a violent character as it could also reinforce those fantasies as a behavior.

I think that it will be better to direct an Aspie toward more positive characters:
Rock Star
Business Executive
Doctor
Lawyer (that could be fun. he could file suit against his tormentors)
Super Hero
Historical Figure

What is your Aspie's area of interest? Develop a costume that corresponds to it.

So there's my two cents.

Adam

Agitated? Yes, just a bit!

I feel like I am rocketing past my limit. My wife has her 50th birthday celebration tonight, and her family is travel (at this moment) from Eureka, Illinois. I’ve been working my head off to get the living room, painted (including repairing age related damage in one wall) and furniture cleaned. Also, needed to be ready to present at the teacher’s in-service yesterday. On top of all of it, my family and I are considering a career change.

So yesterday, after presenting at the in-service, I drove an hour up to Grand Rapids to help some friends with a recording session. The session fell through so why chatted and brought each other up to speed on our lives. That was cool, but I was looking forward to doing some music. I also got to bed late, and didn’t have last night to feel prepared for my wife’s party tonight.

Also, I had to fill in an annual self assessment. It is part of my annual review at work, but there are over two months left in the year, how can I make an annual assessment. We don’t get to do our annual objectives for the coming year until months into the year, and then we do our annual assessment early. It really means nothing to me.

I’m also reeling from the experience of presenting at the conference. Some one said that my presentations (both on Thursday and at another occasion) were “life changing”. No one has ever said that to me. Not after a Sojourn concert (www.sojournband.com) and not even after I have preached at church.

People have enjoyed both my singing and preaching, but never spoken to me with such urgency and gratefulness. Also, I really found my wife to be a natural and effective speaker.

I’m not contemplating a career as a motivational speaker or anything, but the “success” of it just hit me like a freight train. I worked harder and spent more as a singer and never was so inspiring.

It’s too much for me to integrate. I was tired to begin with, but I’m having a hard time just sitting still. I want to sleep and run around all at once. It’s like what emotions and feelings I do have are shut off, and there is a sick sense of calm. A calm as a result of an absence of activity, not the presence of peace.

I’m not really not at peace. I think fatigue and change overload is muting my emotional reactions.

So, I’m sitting at work typing this into a work document as a means of managing my feelings. Mostly feelings of agitation. So, I guess I’m feeling something.

Maybe I shouldn’t have had the two 16 oz. cups of coffee this morning. It was the only way to stay awake and keep functioning in some form or fashion.

I am looking forward to seeing my wife’s family. They are wonderfully warm and caring people. They are very different from me, but that has never blocked the closeness of familial caring. They are very good people, whom I trust and respect.

O.K., I’m feeling a little better. It helps me to write. I’ll post this to the blog. Perhaps this too will inform or encourage some one.

Adam

I Still Can't Believe It!

Yesterday, my wife Marge and I spoke at a one day conference for teachers and parents of children with Asperger Syndrome. I had a portable tape recorder on the podium and was able to record much of it.

I listened to a little bit of it, and was incredulous all over again. Did I really do a good job? Is what I have to say really entertaining and insightful? Wow. Was that really me? Yes, I have proof. That's my voice, but how can it be that by displaying my "weakness" and "disability" I am a source of strength to others.

I was slightly detached yesterday as I spoke. I normally filter so much that yesterday I made every effort to stay out of the way, and just watch me talk. The whole time I'm thinking, "Is this really what people want to hear? This is all the goofy stuff. It's the stuff that I've wanted to restrict in favor of the responsible adult sounding material."

I've worked hard at becoming a responsible adult, yet I subscribe to the principals of clowning. Really. A truly skilled clown is vulnerable with his/her flaws in a way that both entertains and teaches. By doing so, the clown exposes flaws or even evils in his/her audience in a way that stirs a change without discouraging the listener. That is the fundamental heart of a clown.

Perhaps I state too specifically to my own situation. Let me say it more correctly: A clown uses foolishness as a tool to point to the value of another.

Some clowns are purely entertainers. The circus clowns come to mind, but their entertainment may not be only that. By laughing at them we are really laughing at ourselves. We are laughing at our flaws and minimizing their power over us. We all fall down, we all fail, clowns redirect our perspective to see the humor in our own failings.

Failure can become a monster that haunts us continually. The monster of failure can gain strength as it feeds on our energy, draining from us our will to try new and scary things. Draining from us our daring to attempt that which frightens us.

In reality the monster of failure is only as large as our perspective of it. The lower we feel the taller it appears. Conversely, the taller I feel the smaller my failures appear. Failure has no power. The power of failure is a lie. In the Bible (John 8:44) Jesus is recorded as saying that the Devil is a liar and the father of lies. That's the Devil's real power. His power to convince us of that veracity of a lie.

It's so easy to embrace the power of a lie, and to live in it. It takes energy and daring to step out in faith, and live by different principals even when the lie still has some grip on us. It still has some grip on me. The lie that people won't like the real me so I'm better to wear a variety of personalities that people would rather see.

I remember once when a coworker stopped me in the hall after a meeting and said, "Quite telling everyone that you don't know what you are doing or they might start believing it." I was stunned. It hit me like a bolt of lightning: my value in this job is my thoughts and ideas not my official credentials or work history. My expertise is already in my head. My value to my employer is in the way I think about things.

Shock! I am valuable to my employer just as I am.

Huh?

So at the conference yesterday, I just let my inner Aspie pour out through my public speaker face in a way that I have never done. It was mildly organized chaos. A mosaic of thought. To my audience it had essential value.

What a shock!

It's hard to untangle the chains of the lies I've held so dear for so many years. I embraced the "Adam is junk" lie well over 20 years ago and it lurked in the corners like a secret addiction. I've heard that an abused spouse may choose to stay with the abuser rather than risk living lonely. I don't see myself as a victim frankly, but my wrong thinking became a constant companion, and it is easier to maintain the current state than it is to bust into unusual ground. So much so that the "Adam is junk" lie had taken on an air of reliability.

This is really getting long, and I need to go back to work.

Let me close with this: Relentlessly stay on message with everyone you know. The message is that everyone has intrinsic value because they were created by God and created in His image. For that reason and that reason alone every single person has inestimable value that is neither bound to what they can do or what they can't do. We all need to improve and grow, but that is our source of joy, for God never condemns those who try to please Him and fail.

Success or failure should never be the issue, but the measure of . . . a . . . "successful" person (is there another way to say that?) is that they reach beyond their current limits and aspire to something more.

Adam

Social Stories - "Mom Has Bad Days"

Social Stories can be a big help for children with Autism Spectrum Disorders. Several years ago my wife wrote one for the kids to help them understand how to deal with her when she was having a bad day.

Marge and I had the opportunity to speak at a conference and Marge read the social story. She hadn't looked at it for a long time, but when she first wrote it she would actually hand a copy to Michael to read again each time she was having a bad day.

It is re-printed below.

-----------------------

Mom Has Bad Days

Sometimes my mom is in a crabby mood. She yells at me and I can't do anything right. I don't like it when she is not happy.

Sometimes my mom is having a bad time and it is not about me. Just because she raises her voice or has a sad face, does not mean she is made at me. She is having her own bad day.

On bad days, it is good to let mom be alone. This is a good day not to ask too many questions. This is a good tim to do my work as much as I can on my own.

I can help my mom by not bugging her. I can help my mom by getting along with my sister.

I will not worry about what I did to make mom mad. She will tell me if there is something I need to do differently.

It is OK to have bad days, sometimes. I will let mom have a bad day.

-----------------------------

This social story proved helpful to my son. In time he was able to internalize this thought process, but initially, the social story helped him work through a particular situation.

Carol Grey is the Social Story guru. The Grey Center web site has a useful page about social stories including resources for sale. http://www.thegraycenter.org/socialstories.cfm

Adam

Famous Aspies

How do I know who the famous Aspies (or autistics) are? I found it on the Internet so it must be true. O.K. I've pulled some interesting names from a number of lists. Each name is a hyper link to a web page where that name, and others, is listed.

Michelangelo
Vincent van Gogh
Albert Einstein
Bill Gates

Makes you wonder about it is an "abnormality" or "disorder" or "disability". The list above is just a sampling of numerous famous eccentrics that had a major impact on the societies around them.

I believe that all individuals who want to make a contribution to the world around them can, and should be allowed to their fullest extent. Who knows, maybe the next van Gogh could be sitting in a special needs classroom waiting to be pointed in the right direction.

Adam