Important Things That Guide My LIfe–Part 1

So, you may wonder, how do I keep from being an angry Aspie who melts down and rages at the neurotypical world.  Medication?  That has helped in the past, and helps many individuals.  Assistive devices such as a weighted blanket?  Use one at night.  Would look a little odd if I had it with me in the office.

Perhaps there is a therapist?  I always seemed better informed than they.  Do you count the many helpful individuals at church?  If so, then yes, they are helpful.

Alcohol?  Not for a very long time.  It’s a deceptive freedom that destroys my mind and offers a crutch to convince me that I am actually lame.  So are the many other options available for me to hide away in and numb my brain.

What sets me free from angry melt downs and places me on “upward” road to personal fulfillment?  My deeply held religious beliefs.

Sorry if that disappoints, but it is quite true.  Neurological and physical deficits not withstanding, there are emotional and personal difficulties that we Aspies face, because the neurotypical world seems so inexplicable.  The only way to face those difficulties is with powerful truth that reshape our perspective.  With a commitment to those truths, I am armed with a power to stand strong in my environment and not melt, not run away and hide, and not seek a mind numbing crutch after I get home.

I’ve committed myself to core affirmations, that I strive to live out at all times.  These affirmations are based in the Bible.

Here is the first:

All humans are made in the image of God. Today I will treat each person with commensurate respect and in doing so will reverence for my creator.

Genesis 1:27  “So God created man in His [own] image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.”

Every person around me, no matter how they irritate me, is a reflection of the infinitely powerful, just, and loving God who made them.  He is the only God who exists, and deserve my respect.

Needless to say, when I respect those he has made, I disrespect the one who made them.  Also, if I am reverent toward God then I will also be reverent toward one who bears the image of that same God. 

Sprinkle Don’t Douse

Some one is quite warm and you mist them with a little cool water.  Very nice.  A bit refreshing.  Then you open up a fire hose on them.  Ouch.

We Aspies have a tendency to open up the verbal fire hose on folks when it comes to areas in which we have the most interest.  Perhaps we want to be exact in our description so we talk for 40 min to give what the neurotypical thought would be a five min answer or we are enjoying the feeling of disgorging our knowledge.

Regardless it just bores or irritates everyone else that has to listen.  It annoys the Neurtoypicals, because they didn’t want that much detail, and it annoys the other Aspies, because it’s not them talking.

I could recommend that you employ the 3-5 rule.  Three min. of talking alternated with at least 5 min. of listening.  Or the 3-Now Listen – Ask – Now Listen – Relate rule. 

That means

• I speak for no more than three min
• Listen to understand the key idea of what the other person is saying
• Ask a question about what they are saying
• Listen to understand again
• Then, if I want to say something, it has to relate directly to what the other person was talking about
• After that I can say something about another topic, but it should be something connected in some way and then I start the whole cycle over again.

This has helped me develop reciprocity in my conversations.  Conversations are successful when participants feel I value them enough to actually work to understand what they are saying.

If I just get to verbally unload everything in my brain on them, they feel like they are simply being used like a word barrel where I toss ideas. 

What is most helpful to me is when I evaluate my thinking and behavior in light of what the Bible says:

James 1:9  “…be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath…”

The Greek word translated as “hear” has the sense not only of hearing, but considering and seeking to understand.  That implies that if I’m committing to be biblical in my listening to others, then when another speaks to me I ask enough questions and listen enough to come to an understanding that matches what they intended.

“slow to speak” points to a hesitancy to begin talking, but instead give a full amount of time to the other.  I should be slow to comment on what they are saying, but instead ask appropriate questions so that I have a sense of what is they are thinking.

I know, “But what about me!  I want others to hear what I have to say!”  As I listen and value other people, they will come to feel valued and want to hear what I have to say. 

Also, I have experienced that when I hold most of my comments and try to limit myself to when I have something really good to say, I still end up talking a lot, but have just excluded lots of things that bore other people.  Other times, I might purposely sit a listen a lot in a group, just to force myself to be quiet for a while.  I learn a lot, and usually end up talking anyway at some point.

Ultimately, I actually enjoy the conversation more as well.  Much better than when I do the knowledge dump truck.

It’s important for Aspies to remember that there is no tragedy if I don’t say everything I think about something.  In fact I do folks a service if I hold everything but the most important parts back.

Still, then most important thing to do, is to order my speech after concepts found in the Bible, and asses my behavior against that.  If I strive to love and value other people like God does, then I will want to know what is on their mind and what is important to them.  I will want to listen to them.

Eye to Eye

Often we Aspies have difficulty making eye contact, knowing when to and when not to stair.  I have developed a routine when in casual conversation, so that the other party does field uncomfortable or that I’m doing something unexpected.

The Eye Count:  While I’m talking I count: eyes, 2, 3, 4 / mouth 2, 3, 4 / elsewhere 2, 3, 4 then I start over.  I throw in a forehead every so often.  What happens is that I look the person in the eye for four seconds then I look at their mouth for four seconds, then somewhere else for four seconds then I start the cycle over.  This approximates what a typical person does without thinking.

If I five nonstop eye contact the person feels like they are being “drilled”.  It’s too intense.  I used to just watch people’s mouths the whole time so that it was easier to understand what they were saying and that made some uncomfortable.  The gaze of neurotypical folks naturally drifts around as they talk and they just don’t realize it. 

Once you get in the habit of doing the Eye Count it will become an internalized process that won’t take as much conscious thought.  Then it’s time to move on to Advanced Eye Count.  While you are counting you listen for verbal cues to change what you are doing.

“My boyfriend broke up with me” or some other sad or happy revelation means you look near some one’s eyes and do a facial expression of sympathy.  Most women will want eye contact at the points in the conversation when they reveal something of emotional importance.  Men also, but if you are having casual conversation with guys, you can get away with very little eye contact.  Just look some where, anywhere, and ask questions about football or something.  When they say, Hey guess what or I have to tell you something, then you give eye contact to initiate the next step in the conversation, but it usually doesn’t have to be long.

UNLESS, you are in a confrontation, then you give non stop unwavering eye contact.

Ultimately, you can develop a routing way of using your eyes when speaking that will be pleasing to the neurotypical and manageable for you.

When you are with your spouse or close friends then you can relax a little and not be so disciplined about you eyes.

There Is Hope (Remembering 9/11)

Fires burn
Countless mourn
We realize we are but dust
As walls collapse
Our strength fails and
Hope fades
What super power can bring it back?

Fear grows
Countless hide
We realize we are under attack
As soldiers move out
Our sense of safety dies
Souls ache
What weapon can defeat this terror?

No need to fear when you’re cradled in the hand
Of the one who spread the stars in space
When time and earth began
There is hope in the one who holds the keys
To life and death, heaven and hell
King of eternity

No need to fear, for weapons cannot steal
The life bestowed by Jesus blood
Eternity with Him
There is hope in the life beyond the grave
Eternal joy, forever peace
Secure in eternity

(c)2011 Adam M. Parmenter – Creative Commons  http://www.archive.org/details/ThereIsHope_624

There is Hope (Remembering 9/11)

Fires burn

Countless mourn

We realize we are but dust

As walls collapse

Our strength fails and

Hope fades

What super power can bring it back?

Fear grows

Countless hide

We realize we are under attack

As soldiers move out

Our sense of safety dies

Souls ache

What weapon can defeat this terror?

No need to fear when you’re cradled in the hand

Of the one who spread the stars in space

When time and earth began

There is hope in the one who holds the keys

To life and death, heaven and hell

King of eternity

No need to fear, for weapons cannot steal

The life bestowed by Jesus blood

Eternity with Him

There is hope in the life beyond the grave

Eternal joy, forever peace

Secure in eternity

Grief Expressed as Anger

In June of last year, I left my quest to be a missionary, and got a contract as a tech writer.  I was told it would be 6 to 18 months, and that they really, really wanted to hire me.  Then a little church asked me to be their pastor.  About 30 people.  They couldn’t really afford to pay me anything much, but I didn’t care.

So, I would work 40 hours and spend time outside of work prepping to lead singing and preach.  It was draining, but such a great joy to teach and care for these folks.

Then in December, with no warning, the contract ended.  I’ve been jobless for eight months.  Since June, when I started keeping track again, I’ve applied for 75 jobs.

Today, I spent some time taking care of things at church, and came home furious.  It took me hours to figure out that I was feeling grief.  Baring a miracle, I will have to leave the church when I finally find a job.  I’ve been there over a year, and have grown to care for these folks.

No tears though, just fury.  It helps if when I figure out what it is, because then I don’t feel quite so angry.  My wife is cool with it if I explain it to here.  My wife is the coolest neuro-typical I’ve ever met.

The last time I cried, other than during times of worship, was two years ago when my mother died.  Intense times of worshiping God lead me to tears when I have a sense of His mercy and holiness.  But those tears are not about grief necessarily.

Adam

This Weekend’s Concert Canceled

There’s a medical emergency in my wife’s extended family, so we need to leave town.

The concert has been canceled.

Adam

Aspie Family Performs Concert of Music

Parmenters in Concert
Saturday, June 11th @ 2pm
(Including special musical guests)

Red Brick Coffee House
105 N. Paw Paw, Lawrence, MI 49064
269-674-8080

Admission is Free
Listen to a music sample online at http://sharethecrown.com/stc.aspx

One……Thing……At…..A…..Time

I’ve been frantically looking for work as a technical writer or project manager for months.  I’ve even submitted my name to do some songwriting and recording.  Just one of those though. 

(If you’re curious what my song writing is like go here)

It makes it nearly impossible to focus on anything else.  Money and eating are something I’m very attached to.  My family and I are also attached to the little country church where I’ve been asked to be pastor. 

I know, an Asperger pastor.  It’s working really well.

It’s been an immense challenge to focus on anything else other than finding a suitable job, and not to apply for something, anything, regardless of how far away.

One way that I’m learning to deal with it is to have different places where I work on different things.  If I can separate different activities into different physical places, then it’s easier to concentrate. 

I also set a specific time limit each day on job hunting.  Actually, there are certain places I look each day.  When those are done, job hunting ceases to exist for the day.  It may take me 2 hours or 6, but when it’s done I stop.

I try not to think about the other things when I’m doing something.  You see, I also have to do some repairs on my home and work in my yard.  I just have to separate it in my mind and actively ignore what I’m not working on.

The “glue” that is holding it all together is my personal faith in Christ.  I believe that I’m supposed to be in geographical area so that I can be at this little country church and serve the people there.

That conviction has made me a bit more brazen and able to resist the urge to move to a location where jobs are more plentiful.  I’m starting to learn and understand that serving people, bringing hope and meaning to their lives is more important than material possessions.  My wife and I run the risk of running out of money.  It could get bad.

Yet, if that is the cost of doing something that has eternal value in the lives of people, it’s worth it.

Adam

I Called in Advance in it Didn't Work Out

I have to confront some one about inapropriate behavior in a professional environment (that's as specific as I can be).  I could let it go and nothing would come of it, but it's something that I really should say something about.

So, I made the phone call in my mind first to see how it would go.  This works well for event planning, logistical matters and standard operating procedures, but it never seems to work for people.  Never works for people.  So, in my mind it turned ugly.  I tride it twice and it simply ended in lots of bad fellings and a "never talk to me again moment".

It really won't go that way.  Most likely the bloke won't agree and just disregard what I have to say, and we will move on.  Nothing will be resolved, but I will have done what I consider to be my moral duty.  No, I'm not a crusader.  If I explained the details you would understand.

As hard as I've tride I can't create a predictive model for human behavior.  I can identify patterns in behavior and match them to models that describe mental/emotional state or intent.  Yet, I can't predict regular day to day behavior.

Why am I posting this?  Well, as they say, missery loves company. 

Adam

Art by an Aspie for sale - Darkness Hides from the Sun

Darkeness Hides from the Sun.  Original Oil on canvas by Adam Parmenter.
$50 plus $25 for shipping.

Purchases via PayPal or money order.  For more information send me an e-mail or phone. 

All shipping is via UPS or FedEx.
Adam

I’m Back!!!

(@Aspie @Aspies)

Well, I think I’ve been away for about a month.  I just reached the overload limit in life and started switching to survival mode.  Job hunting and pastoring at a church at the same time got to be a bit much.

One reason is that I never do anything part way.  I want to do the best with what I have.  That takes a great deal of energy and creativity.  Well, as you can imagine, a church, being a group of people, is an ever changing, cascade of personal textures.  Planning becomes an exercise in understanding what volunteers are capable of and how far I think that I can help them grow.

The first mistake (one of numerous I’m sure) was to take the stated intentions of a new person at face value.  I should have considered age, background, maturity, stability.  So, I invested far more in this volunteer than I should have.  Now this person has pulled back, and I’m having to rethink a number of things. 

I think we Aspies can train ourselves to look inside of people and discern more about them than we do naturally.  I also think that sticking to some guidelines will guard against future error.

Not every Aspie reading this has a group of volunteers whose development and growth he/she is responsible for.  However, you  might be a parent, teacher, manager, friend, etc.  All of us have expectations of what the people around us will be, do and become.

For Aspies, especially, those expectations can be based on an idealized view of the world.  Because of the sensory integration deficit in most Aspies, the world around us is a mass of incoming chaos.  We manage the chaos through rigidly defining the world around us.  Thus it becomes manageable.  When we look at expectations for people we tend to set our expectations in the best terms possible for our own benefit.

The world doesn’t simply revolve around my wants and needs.  No one can see inside my head and read my list of expectations.  If they could they would probably laugh out loud.  So what do I do?

First, I slow down.  Before throwing some one into a role they may or may not be suited for, take the time to get to know that person.

Second, set clear requirements for the role.  Be specific on the few important things you expect.  If your list of expectations is over five items, you can count on the person failing.

Third, decide in advance your tolerance for variation or at least decide to expect nothing to be just the way you like it.

Fourth, ask for status updates.  How are you doing?  Where can you improve?  Here is what I expect of you.

Fifth, be an encourager.  Highlight what the person is doing well and what you like about it.  Don’t discuss failures, but instead discuss growth opportunities.

I’ll try to remember to let you know how this works out in my case.  It’s difficult to talk things through in a positive way.  I would much rather people just be able to do the stuff I ask them to.  In my case, though, I’m a shepherd; a pastor.  My job is to gently lead.  I think that form of leadership will be successful for everyone.

Adam

Aspie Artwork

Here are some paintings that I've done in the past.  Right now, oil painting is a great stress reliever.

Hit the link below.

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=8289&l=c5e466a5d5&id=1314469237


Adam

Fibromyalgia

Back in May of 2007 I published a short post proposing a link between sensory defensiveness and Fibromyalgia.  Over the years of this blog, that one is the most read and most commented.

Several days ago, I received a comment on that 2007 post that put a different spin on things:

Hi 
I have FM and have been diagnosed for the last 8 years...I have a 5 year old daughter with Autism ..The stress that I have had to deal with helping her to be verbal and get a proper education has made me have more flare ups and now find sometimes loosing my balance and falling and getting injured.
I just wonder if anyone else out there relates.
Thank you

As a Fibromyalgia sufferer whose symptoms are primarily in remission, tension causes a flair up.  The tension of dealing with a child in the Autism Spectrum can be exhausting and can create tension.  I am an Aspie and both my children are Aspies.  In my opinion it's easier for me to help my Aspie children then it would if they had a more extreme case of Autism.  The tension of that could easily cause a flare up in Fibromyalgia as could any prolonged period of tension.

What we should consider, however, is that it's not the challenges of raising a special needs child that triggers the flair up in Fibro, it's our response to the challenges.  I first had symptoms of Fibro when I got my first corporate job as a tech writer at a major pharmaceutical manufacturer.  I had absolutely no background in science, tech writing, or manufacturing.  I'm good at guessing, so they hired me and I moved into big projects quickly.  Problem was I didn't know what I was doing.  The prolonged tension of that started manifesting itself in health issues.  I was finally diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.  It wasn't until several years later that I received the Asperger diagnosis.

Today, I have been out of work for three months.  In addition, I pastor a small church that can't afford to pay me.  If I were to leave the area for work, it could be the end of them.  Frankly, the last four years have been intensely challenging and now I'm facing the possibility of financial disaster.  My symptoms have returned in a small way.  I have some pain and soreness, but not severe like before.

What has changed?  The tension hasn't changed.  The challenges I face are much greater now than ever before.  How I react to them has changed.

I've matured spiritually.  I work to view my life in the perspective of my eternal life with Christ.  I am also struggling to have greater trust in God.  I'm pretty honest with my prayers.  I doubt it's anything that God hasn't heard before.  As a result of prayer and intently studying the Bible, I have become more calm, loving, gentle, and frankly a stronger person.  I'm more sure of myself when I am more confident of who Christ is.

I have also changed my diet, try to get regular exercise, and try to figure out ways to take refreshment breaks.

I work on meditating on Bible verses.  Here is one that I've enjoyed lately:
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.  Isaiah 43:2

Clearly, medication and daily stretching, aerobics and even resistance training should be included.  But, for me, the most critical aspect of managing challenges of chronic pain, Asperger, and everything else have been focusing on the Bible and prayer.

Best and Worst Jobs for Aspies

(#Aspie #Aspies #Aspergers)  Just read an interesting post by Darian Peters called, Best and Worst Jobs for people with Aspergers.  Some interesting thoughts, but don't know if I agree with all his conclusions.  What have been your best and worst jobs?  What about about them did you or didn't you like?

Best of Aspie’s, Inc.–Watch My Mouth

(Originally posted August 30, 2006)

I sat through a two day training on Microsoft Access at New Horizons Computer Training Center. It was actually quite useful really. That said, I realized that could understand what the teacher was saying when I watched his mouth.

At times I would work on other things, wright down notes and ideas, or edit a working data base that I need at my job. However, I found that if I really wanted to catch and understand each word (and what they meant together) it was best to watch his mouth.

That brings me back to the phenomenon of sensory scrambling.
I'm guessing that the visual reinforcement of the mouth movements reinforces the auditory input, especially sense some of the auditory and visual stimulus is being mixed up. By locking them together (watching a persons mouth), it essentially defeats the effects of scrambling. 

Over the years, I've made an effort not to watch peoples mouths while they talk, because neurotypicals don't expect that kind of behavior. I have a routine that I follow of eye contact for a few second, look at mouth, look back at eyes, look away, look down, repeat. People then feel like they are having a normal conversation instead of being "drilled" with my eyes in one spot.

That said, in a class situation, I'm just going to get the most out of it that I can and watch the teachers mouth.

Adam

What do you really believe?

What is the meaning of life?  What is my purpose in life?  We ask that question, often not in those words, but we ask it.  We usually don't think about it too hard and just try to stay busy or spend more time online hoping the answer will show up in our e-mail box.  But, meaning doesn't come out of activity.  It comes from closely held beliefs that I have about life and God.

My faith is the foundation of who I am.  My beliefs shape my identity.  My beliefs and identify will give me a sense of my purpose in life.  If I choose my actions to fulfill my purpose then I will pursue that purpose with passion, creativity and tenacity.

Often, I ignore beliefs, identity and purpose and try to look for things to fix me.  Especially as Aspies we are often on a constant hunt for the latest “intervention” that will help us… you name it.

Some of us want to feel or at least seem more normal.  Others of us just want to know the key to better relationships or getting the best jobs or dealing with sensory overload.  Those are all good things to work on, but we spend so much time dealing with the symptoms of our lives that we don’t ever deal with the causes of many symptoms.

If we ignore what it is that shapes us, then it will continue to shape us, regardless of how many treatments or interventions we choose.

If I believe that the only worth while people are normal people, and that Aspies are defective, then I will identify myself as an individual that is fundamentally flawed.  It’s very likely that my purpose will include fixing myself so that I can be or at least feel normal.  I will relentlessly pursue normality, which doesn’t exists, and never attain it.

If I believe that everyone is uniquely created by God and as such reflect something of their creator.  I will identify myself as special, because my creator God is very special.  Being different will not bear the mark of error, but the mark of uniqueness.  I’ll also see the skills I have as gifts and my potential as being open to development.  How my purpose develops will also be far more open as I will tend to see myself as having potential.

So, what are the fundamental beliefs that are at the core of who you are, and how are they being lived out in your life?

Adam

The Silent Core

This is a poem I wrote a few years back.  It was inspired by my daughter when she was in elementary school. So much of what my daughter experienced, then and now, happened inside her richly populated mind.  The world inside never quite matches the one outside and it can be struggle to communicate between them.

SILENT CORE
By Adam Parmenter

Locked inside the silent core
Little escapes
The relentless embrace of
The inner mind

So alive.
On the inside.
Worlds, unseen, bloom and wane
Beyond the reach of
Hands and smiles
If they only knew
The miles and miles
I’ve journeyed alone
Songs unknown
Stories untold
Yearning to break free
To be known and seen

From the silent core.

©Adam M. Parmenter 2010

Surviving High School Tip 2

Develop a very serious hobby.

Aspies that don’t fit in anywhere except with other Aspies are just seen as weird.  An Aspie with a skill that neurotypicals recognize and value will be seen as Eccentric.

Everybody loves an eccentric.  Bill Gates & Steven Jobs are eccentric.  Does you school age Aspie have any interest in music.  Band is a great way to bridge the social barrier between neurotypicals and Aspie.

When my son was in public school, he was respected because he was a great trumpet player.  The kids over looked his ticks and social fumbles.

If your school age Aspie likes to run, train for track and field.  Jocks will accept an odd person when they respect him as an athlete.

So, this summer if your school age Aspie is worried about next year, talk through a hobby that can become an extra curricular activity and train seriously at it over the summer.

Adam

Surviving High School Tip 1

(Tags #Aspie #Aspies)

The topic came up on Facebook about having problems in high school.  I had plenty in junior high.  For high school, my parents moved me to a small Christian high school and it was great.

Now, I’m 46 years old, and have two Aspie children.  They were in a small public school until junior high and high school and then we started home schooling.  The public schools in our area are large and there’s lots of aggression.

We might be moving to a smaller town that has a better school.  If that happens, then my daughter might go there.

One way of surviving high school is to change to a learning environment that fits you (or your child if you are the parent).  The same is true of adult learners.  Does online work best for you?  Then take as many courses as you can online.

People want will tell you that your children need socialization or they won’t turn out right.  I figure my children won’t ever benefit from bullying, teasing or being assaulted.  They do benefit from church and all the other activities we do with them.
 
When they get into the adult world, if they are talented and work hard, then socialization is not as important at work and being quirky is a little more acceptable if you are good at your job.

Is the environment doing damage?  Change to a different environment.